consciousness, education for the mind, accessing the subconcious,, evolving, grief, healing, suicide survivor

Deathday year 4

My dad took his life four years ago today, I thought it was yesterday but I realized it came into my consciousness to start the emotional unwrapping I need to process for this year. . This year I feel sad but I don’t feel the other emotions tied to his suicide I have felt in years past. Like anger. I have been angry at him for not meeting my granddaughter, committing suicide in the hell year 2014 my family was in. There is so much underneath anger. In my experience with anger, it felt like a protective emotion. I felt pretty ruled by the feelings of anger and hopelessness. I talked to my dad all the time, I told him my woes which was a lot in 2014, he was helpful when he wasn’t depressed. The day before his suicide I spoke to him. Of course that conversion echoes in my mind. He told me he was depressed and that he didn’t understand his purpose for living. That was really normal for him to say that. He struggled big time with depression, he was on meds and institutionalized off and on in the V.A. my entire life. He had several attempted suicides too. He was going back on meds because he was so depressed, he had an appointment the day after his suicide. In my mind having our last conversation, I knew his circular patterns and I thought he would start his meds and start to feel better. Not this time.

Last year in March, I started EMDR trauma therapy. That was the most healing eight months I have had around his suicide and other trauma I experienced with him in my life. It helped me understand our relationship. It helped me understand some of the emotions I struggled with around his suicide.

My dad was my savior and abuser. He taught me so many amazing, valid, helpful ways to navigate through life. He gave me opportunities with nature and the love of the outdoors. We biked, hiked, backpacked, canoed, ran, downhill skied, cross country skied all over the Rocky Mountains. He was there for me, my number one support system. He also taught me codependency in his need to control because he was a lieutenant. If I didn’t do what he said, something bad would happen like his soldiers. It was his unresolved issues with Vietnam I came to understand. He also was my example as a man, which lead to the men and friendships I choose . I am so grateful for EMDR therapy. It changed my life! By understanding the messages I received through the trauma, I was able to navigate through the emotions that were stumbling blocks and change those messages.

EMDR trauma therapy is developed to help the mind reprocess trauma. We have information coming at us all day, our subconscious is able to process unneeded information in the moment. When we experience trauma it is too much overload on the subconscious and we experience trauma in our bodies and do not process the trauma, we get locked in the negative messages we receive in trauma. This therapy is done holding sensors that are vibrating communicating with both sides of the brain to go back to the trauma and reprocess it without the body responding or holding on to the negative emotion. It helps us to see the messages we received in those traumas, giving the negative emotions names and meanings. Then you go back in and tell yourself your new truths and their meanings. It also helps with ptsd. When I met my guy if he came near me sleeping I would punch him. Thankfully we worked through that. My nerve system was reactive and sensitive due to this trauma of suicide but also other trauma I went through in 2014.

Loosing a support system you have had your whole life is difficult, especially in suicide which is instant. There is no time to prepare or think about their loss, it’s just over. It has been my catalyst for being my own support system. It helped me learn to meditate and go inside to hear because I am able, not because dad said so, not because I’m angry, I can trust myself. I don’t need to be controlled by anyone but me. When you are raised very controlled it instills a message, I am not able, I need to be controlled, I need someone’s else’s opinion. Being able to hear myself, seek my higher self and hear my intuition through meditation, yoga, intentions and to be able to trust me, it is the most freeing, empowering experience I have ever had.

It’s really beautiful to feel at peace today even in my sadness. Today I am grateful for the birds I hear singing, the running water from my pool. I miss my dad, I miss the good times, his interaction with my kids, his silliness, his generosity. I do not miss the explosive, angry, terrifying human he could be. I had to accept the reality of the duality of him. I don’t have to interact with my dad’s violence, depression, anger and all the consequences he had because of those unresolved emotions in him. It is so much easier to remember the good things in him because I am not interacting with the negative. And now I know it’s okay to feel that way. It’s the road to acceptance in suicide for me.


education for the mind, accessing the subconcious,, Uncategorized

The power of music

It is obvious music affects us. It is everywhere we go, we take it with us to listen too, we go to concerts, we sing, shout and scream music together and alone. It is a huge part of the human existence. Why is that? Music or sound is energy that’s in a frequency, it has an affect on our bodies and minds. There is no independent organ in our bodies, they all connect. We call sound just that but the energy power it holds is still quite unused in the medical fields for healing and really misunderstood outside of emotional connectedness we have with it. We can heal on a cellular level, physically, emotionally, mentally and even in addiction. We can access creativity, intelligence, subconscious states, dream state through different sound waves and frequencies of pitch. It can become a workout for our brain if we understand the relationship of sound and what we are trying to access from it.

You have heard the analogy of wine glasses matching a pitch that is sang at the same pitch or even exploding if too high of a pitch for that individual wine glass. Our bodies are responsive to our own pitch. It is individual to us. Sound waves have varying affects on us energetically. It is why we can listen to the same song repeatedly, it is our brain waves interacting with that sound energy we are hearing at the decimal or frequency it is being played. We also have seen water interacting with sound energy and it dancing in shapes. Air is the lowest energy conductor of sound, water is next, our physical body is last and highest in energy due it being the most molecular solid in form. We are made perfectly for conduits of sound energy in a frequency.

Low frequency sounds can not only be heard but felt energetically and carry messages to the spinal cord and to the brain. That is how Beethoven was able to achieve writing and playing music without his hearing. He would physically feel the low frequency or energy of what he was playing by laying on the floor and feeling the vibration but it could only be achieved at low frequency notes and pitches. Music actually heals our bodies on a cellular level if we have physical contact such as a speaker playing low frequency music we physically put ourselves against. Holistic physicians use sound tables for patients. We can also listen in our earphones to low frequency music as each side will be different in hearing pitch but not enough decimal difference to discern between the two, or interpret at different pitches. The ear only hears one but there is one inside of that called binaural. It changes our energy to be more calm, less anxious but only at low frequency does this happen, it accesses both sides of the brain to be more in conjunction.

The brain is made of cells called neurons and use electricity to communicate with each other. We mostly live in Beta. It is when we experience these lower frequencies of sound energy, the brain wave frequency gives us the capacity to change a lot as you can see below.

Ben greenfield fitness

Shamanism is the oldest known spiritual practice on earth. They used drums and the frequency of that energy sound to be able to change their conscious state to have shamanic trances or journeys. Monks use their voices in sound frequency pitches to achieve a meditative state.

Our minds are so powerful and not disconnected from our bodies, just misunderstood it seems. When we are experiencing emotional pain it affects our bodies, when we experience physical pain it affects our emotions. We are one big energy source that’s completely connected and intertwined. There are resources online for music to achieve these low frequency states at You tube and Apple Music have binaural Alpha, Delta, Theta music to listen too. You can’t sleep on reading material and learn but you can listen to low frequency music sleeping or not, be changed and learn.



Resource: Dr. Jeffrey Thompson,

Against Trump and a hateful agenda, Election, grief, Uncategorized

Confessions of a so called “crybaby”

I write this to the sounds of a nearby train, in the light of the super moon,  I wish I could enjoy more at 3:30 a.m. I awoke from what feels like the millionth nightmare I have had since Trump/Pence won the election. I know I am not alone as I go on Facebook to see my friends up at this hour too, posting they are unable to sleep.

Why are we not sleeping? Why are we having nightmares? Why can’t we get out of bed? It has been suggested and posted a lot that we may be a bunch of crybabies. Unable to accept the results of what the people spoke they wanted. For me and the ones I know in my personal life not sleeping, it is because we are scared for our futures. We are scared to have rights taken from us. Rights that are not equal yet, but we may be loosing the only rights we have protecting us. As the hate crimes against African Americans, Muslims and women are reported across the nation, my fears increase.

I understand why people in middle America voted for Trump. It is so awful what has happened in Flint Michigan and cities across America like Flint. It is a unaddressed problem by our government. It is the rise of greed and not caring about jobs for Americans. Now they are currently drinking poisonous water that is not fixed but told it is. They have been struggling for years with the collapse of the auto industry and job loss. It was completely arrogant of Hillary, when she had the Democratic ticket to not step foot in every Democratic state. They needed their voice heard and she took it for granted that they would vote party line.

Trump went to them to hear them and ordered hats for them to wear. The Democratic Party made fun of this. It was a genius move for Trump because he understands these people. They wear hats all the time, he knows this culture, they felt heard, that gave them hope, so they shouted his name and went out and VOTED. It doesn’t mean what he said to them will happen. It means they believed what he said and he showed up!

Also, I believe the DNC is responsible for not giving the Democratic ticket to Bernie Sanders. I understand people see the corruption of Hillary, I saw it myself. People who also voted for Trump from these cities were also Bernie fans and would have voted for him, given the choice. The Democratic Party no matter what it looks like in this moment, has had an agenda of more freedoms. It has supported unions always. Bernie was a voice of change too and also had the millennial vote. Many people could not vote for Trump or Hillary and chose not too or chose a third party. What screams to me everywhere, is people want change. Even if it means overlooking and endorsing the person they elected who is a bigot, misogynist, fascist, white elite racist.


As we have watched Trump speak, he doesn’t seem consistent in anything he says. He isn’t a politician, he isn’t polished. It’s what Americans like about him. He is different than Hillary, he is not the MACHINE. That makes people seem to feel better and trust him more. People want change. People want to feel heard that have been suffering financially for a long time. They want hope and a plan. For me it has to say more than,”Let’s make America great again.” To me America has only been great from some people, mainly the white, straight, advantaged man who seems to not see his privilege.





The days have moved on since Trump became the President elect and we are watching him pick the people he will surround himself with, to help him lead. That folks is why I am terrified in these wee hours of the morning. Pence is the scariest thing to me, Trump has said so many crazy things we can’t focus on this scary man’s agenda. Pence views homosexuality out of a fear base and built on religion, to the point I question if the man is straight himself? He hates gay people more than the God he endorses. I see Jesus saying,” forgive them for voting for Trump/Pence, they don’t know what they’ve done.” Like he did when he was crucified. As a recovering born again Christian, I have read the Bible and know that this a Christian agenda trying to keep the patriarchy  alive. Pence endorses shock therapy to heal gay people. Trump said on 60 minutes that he won’t overturn gay marriage. That is good news that I hope and pray stays intact! I still can’t help but not be able to feel peace because if Trump goes ,then Pence? Why are we not talking about Pence?

Trump did talk about abortion as well on 60 minutes. Ladies aren’t we lucky it won’t be banned in all states? Now your state decides on your vaginal rights, not the nation. Trump feels that you need to travel to another state if your state doesn’t allow you to get an abortion after being grabbed by the pussy and impregnated, that is your right if you choose. Just callous your way to another state, because truly if you stayed to prosecute the man that raped you in your state, well he might have had a couple drinks before raping you, which means that he won’t be prosecuted or have his life ruined because he raped you, he was drunk, he has too much to live for.. We have watched this play out too. Does this pro life agenda plan on giving more to welfare recipients, forced to keep children because they can’t afford an abortion traveling to another state? Change I want. Not this change.

In all this mayhem we are all living in right now , there is much division. People are grieving. We are all upset. For all of our own reasons. The reason I am upset is;
freedom is for all colors, religions and gender, that is not what I am seeing right now and have failed to see ever, in America . Our constitution was written to protect our freedoms. People wanted religious freedoms in America. It’s okay if you want your own religion to practice but you must respect that for others too. You can’t force people into your religion, even if it’s Christianity and that is what is predominantly practiced in America. Free will. Where is separation of church of and state in this agenda? How is this not like Muslim countries with Christianity in America? The man Trump wants to lead education in America is a creationist. The world is flat people, don’t you know? How is this not a Christian agenda to keep patriarchy alive? Or how about the decision to put a self proclaimed white supremacist beside him? I would like to point out Hitler did not come on the scene declaring, “I am killing all Jewish People “, at first. He had to get the voice and belief of the people first, before he could implement the massacre of the Jewish people agenda.

As a women I am horrified to go back. I am horrified that most of my friends I know as females, have been sexually assaulted in their lives. I am included in that. We as females have to be callous about that too because there is shame in talking about that, on women. One out of three females know this is going to happen in their  lives, it’s a matter of when.

The callous nature of humans is what I fear. The callousness of women shouting,” you will be fine, shut up.” Because that’s what has been shoved down our throats always as females! The callousness that I have to tell my daughters that they will have to accept they are not equal still, men can grab your pussy, men can do what they want to your vagina and then vote on your vagina, as to what you can do after they are done in your vagina.

I have to tell my gay son in callousness you might not get to be married and have children because people don’t agree with you, they think it’s a choice. The suicide hotline and suicide number have skyrocketed last week for gay and transgender children. I don’t know very many people that choose to be gay to be outcasted in our very obviously Christian society and be unsupported by the government forever until last year. Those same people are facing AIDS/HIV treatments and support of those going away under Pence.

Also, Trump called my Army Lieutenant of special forces awarded 2 Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star medal veteran dad, a whimp. I have to deal daily with the fact that my dad committed suicide 2 years ago because his country failed him in mental health following Vietnam, along with millions of suffering veterans with ptsd who apparently are also whimps, some in the streets that I commit to feeding, because they could be my dad.

I have to tell my granddaughter in callousness who is half Native American that her people don’t matter and they never have, on top of the fact she was born female. Look at that current situation right now, how their promised land is being treated. Not to mention the atrocities they have endured as Native Americans, not as white men. We are moving forward with this agenda for the white man again, in our change as Americans. The whites man words that these changes don’t affect and is easy to scream, ” you will be okay!” That isn’t change, way more of the same, but worse! I know millions are not for this agenda, which gives me great hope, if we survive the next 4 years.

In closing, being an empath, I feel bad for everyone who suffers. All people. Not one group of people. I refuse to grow more callous than I already am, to survive as a female in America. Is this blog going to change anyone’s mind? I don’t know? That’s not why I wrote this. I never put up anything about the election on social media. When someone on my feed would say something about being for Trump it never changed me, it made me mad. I changed to being an independent voter. I never believed Trump could win. I believed Hillary and the machine would win too. I wasn’t excited about that, but I knew I wouldn’t be experiencing this pain under her. I feel better because I wrote this. I have been unable to function this past week. I needed to get it out of me because I myself have been grieving, going through anger and complete depression trying to cope with this this decision.

The answer to this problem isn’t callousness to people. Personally through my sufferings I have gained empathy for others. It’s looking like this Trump/Pence decision will bring about a great suffering, my hope is empathy is gained and bitterness, callousness does not grow worse.

I chose to participate in a peaceful protest in Denver Thursday night against this agenda of hate and oppression. I respect people and my father who fought for my rights, so I would never burn a flag. I completely understand why people no longer respect our flag. It is however under the first amendment in the constitution, their right to burn the flag or not stand for the pledge of allegiance. As my fiancé says,”If you want everyone to stand for the flag and never demonstrate their rights, I suggest you move to North Korea under that government.” Love him❤️. Protests, NOT RIOTS OR BREAKING THE LAW, is our first amendment right  and I chose and will continue to exercise that right. It is also difficult to communicate love and acceptance in raging riots. To be fair, most of these riots are started by the white supremacist groups showing up to counter protest. Protests have been impactful in civil rights, women’s rights and union rights throughout history. I choose not to be calloused, even if that means I am a so called ,”crybaby.”


🙏🏻 Namaste


The weight of pain

I am listening to this song over and over, the chorus repeatedly singing, ” burning all the bridges,  burning all the bridges now, and were burning all the bridges.” My dad left every relationship the way it was. Good or bad. He walked over the last bridge he will ever experience in this life crossing to the next. I know he wasn’t thinking about the relationships when he ended his life, only that he felt it would improve them. If he saw the wake of brokenness he left behind,  I wonder if he would have done it?

I awoke with this weight of pain. I have never actually felt my heart be weighted with sadness to this point. It is debilitating.  I am the strong one in the family.  Do I push myself through and do what needs to be done practically?

You see,  I cannot.  I need to go hold my dead father’s hand today. I can’t go on not feeling his skin one more day.

I called the coroner yesterday to go see my father’s body. In my state they don’t do that. He talked to me about my father’s injuries and how he had committed suicide.  He told me that it was the decision of the funeral home if the body is viewable or not.

We went yesterday to the funeral home. They informed me that his face won’t he viewable.  I figured that talking to the coroner. My mom had to sign to release his body to the funeral home. He will arrive in his cremation box. I will be able to view his body. I am the only apparent morbid person in my family who needs to experience this. I will go pay 400 $ to hold my dad’s hands one more time. I need this. I don’t know why. I really can’t explain it but the need keeps rising to see his body one last time.
My husband is fulfilling his marital duty beyond expectations I could dream of. He cleaned up my father’s remains, because they don’t do that after a suicide, he did not want my mom seeing it .   He waters my mom’s lawn and is taking out her trash. He is being a super husband.  He will come today and most likely hold me physically up. Fuck! Where is that in your vows?

This is the most confusing, sad, fucked up experience I have yet to go through in this life.

Today is bad, tomorrow might be better.  I told my son that it is a rollercoaster of emotions. He will have a bad day, someone will be up to support. He will be better and have to hold one of us up. It is a day at a time. Sometimes you can’t talk enough and then there are the shutdown completely days.  It is awful to feel this pain, I hope I get something out of today, closure.


The blame game

It is strange to me that when I don’t feel good, I often want to blame someone.  For some bizarre reason, I can’t just say, ” I am fucked up right now.”  There is fault in every person,  so it easy to look at that and justify blame.  In the end, I am the common denominator of my unhappiness. I even have legitimate reasons for not feeling or being okay.

If I make a conscious decision to use wise mind and bring reason in with the emotional thoughts,  I will be okay,  right? I have not experienced that. I feel deeply all the pain of those emotions and that has nothing to do with my mind.

Something is changing.  Yesterday, my hubby had lunch with my ex best friends husband. I have not spoken to her in 2 years. We had a falling out during a time when my oldest child was loosing her mind. In retrospect, I see how fragile of a state I was in at that time. I have thought about her a lot over the past couple years. Our daughters are still best friends.

I called her yesterday, it went really well.  Life has a way of kicking our asses into what we need to be. She told me that her disk ruptured in her back, leaving her bedridden for a year. She got addicted to pain pills. She said, ” I was meant to go through this, because I have never been able to have empathy. ” she is better. It is crazy what time heals. We are getting together soon, I never thought I would talk to her again.

It makes me relise that we are all just human, doing this life the best we can. I am just going to say, ” I don’t feel good.” That is the truth. I don’t need to blame.  The end.   

Things I am grateful for: I have today off from work. Our loan is closing, after 3 months of ridiculous requests.  Yay!

Rant of the day: Teenagers are difficult to live with. We might start a no talking rule in the morning.  I understand school starts ridiculously early, hormone levels are high in the morning.  I have two of them like this. It is agonizing to have morning drama daily.