healing, love, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

Shameless

I am not ashamed of suicide, it took the life of my greatest support and example, my father. It is because of shame, people who struggle with suicide don’t get the support they need or the family members experiencing suicide don’t either. It is a veil of blackness we must remove around suicide.

I am not ashamed of mental illness, it has had ravaging affects on my family members, it is no different than having a physical disease, it’s in the mind. Shame stops people from seeking help or even having an open conversation about the mind not working properly.

I am not ashamed to speak of rape in a culture that stopped punishing men for their crimes because their lives would be ruined and the women? She has to live in shame. No, we are going to talk about it, we are going to take shame out of it for females. Shame stops women from talking about rape, 1 out of 3 females this will happen too in their lives, shame stops them from reporting it and is ruining lives.

I am not ashamed to fight for equal rights. I am not ashamed to stand up for those who need protection when they can’t help themselves.

I am not ashamed of my openly gay son. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He is a glorious human with a heart of gold in his service toward others who are also gay and the homeless and the people in need from other places around the world.

I am not ashamed to have any of these conversations. It is the only way we can change how we are dealing with these issues by removing shame and secrecy. Shameless is an attitude of caring more about the person who is suffering than opinions of others or culture.

Join with me in having these conversations to remove shame. Shame is not a sustainable value, no matter where you apply that principle there is mass destruction.

Namaste 💕

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Uncategorized

What’s your sign?

IMG_2524.PNGYep, when you meet me for the first time, that is what I am going to ask you, “what is your sign?” Then as you get to know me or your a friend of mine, you will know this is how I understand humans. This is my language ,some call it my gift. I have been studying astrology for about 7 years.

Last week I was given an amazing opportunity to go to the town of Morrison and lead a team building lunch based on everyone’s zodiac chart, that worked in the office. I love skeptics. As I told them, many who work in astrology are not taken seriously because they change their names to star beam and quit shaving their armpits. That has not been my experience with astrology. It has given me great understanding about people and their temperaments and dispositions in life. As a hairdresser of 24 years I have worked with everyone. What I started understanding over the years is that, there is a theme in which people live their lives consciously or unconsciously. I like to know or relate to someone  so I can understand them and the way they communicate with me. That is the power of understanding astrology.

My first skeptic entered the room for lunch in Morrison, declaring she was there for the free pizza. She asked me ,”what I could tell her that would make her believe anything I was about to say? “I asked her, what her sign was?  She answered,”Leo.” I asked her if she suffered from headaches?  She answered, ” yes, horrible headaches.” I explained to her that the Sun was the ruling planet of Leo. The energy of the Sun can be so intense for these lions that they have to retreat to the dark due to their ruling planet ,the Sun or they will be plagued by headaches. She proceeded  to get her pizza and find a seat because I just explained something to her, her own doctors don’t understand. It gave her value, so she listened. My mom is a Leo and has suffered from migraines her entire life.  That is the power of astrology, knowing ourselves and others and understanding the differences. Each sign is ruled by a different planet, symbol, element, chakra and body part affected by these. We have several signs and planets ruling us within our charts but most people know only their sun sign. That is why we are so different even in the same sun sign. Most of the time we can relate to the element in the same sign.

I had everyone at the office in Morrison  pull their charts on their phones, so they could read further on their own time if they chose about their charts and how each planet affected them. We also used the information during the meeting to find out the strengths of each person in the workplace.  I have to tell you how happy I was to find out earth elements are running that town and government . We did not discuss the election at this meeting or politics because this was team building. I have written about my concerns with our elected president who by the way has no earth in his charts and explains why he is so flippant and fiery. He is Gemini sun (air), Leo rising (fire), Sagittarius moon (fire). That chart screams reality t.v. Show. It’s fine he doesn’t  have it in his charts but he needs to put Earth elements around him. He will naturally never be stable or practical. Earth elements are the practical people of the zodiac; stable, salt of the earth, practical. These are people you want running government. Those Earth elements are Virgo, Capricorn, Taurus. Even if these are not your sun sign they can be dominant somewhere else in your chart. Which was the case in this situation in Morrison. It was awesome as we talked about each sign, for them to point at each other and say,” that is totally you.”

I was given a gift certificate to use at any restaurant from the town of Morrison. It came to me in the mail,in a card from everyone who attended the meeting and signed with newfound zeal for this information. That is what it is. Information you can use to transform your own understanding about yourself and those around you. So glad they all got so much from it!

We all have our charts. We can learn about ourselves. We are going to do what we do naturally,unless we on purpose put people in our lives who help give us elements we don’t have in our charts. Some of us interestingly do it without knowledge or seek that missing element or elements. Statistically we marry within our sun elements. Air (Aries,Gemini,Libra), Fire ( Leo,Aries,Sagittarius),Earth (Taurus,Virgo,Capricorn),Water( Pisces, Scorpio,Cancer).  For me, I don’t have Earth elements in my chart. I have been aware of this for some time and need that balance. I have never dated or married in my Air element as a Gemini.  My best friend, my fiancé, my daughter  are all earth elements. When I am loosing my mind, I call them or talk to them. They present fact and stability to my emotions in practical ways. If we know we are going to react a certain way we can learn what to do to stop and think before we do it. Typically,Waters  feel before thought, Fires react before thought, Earth is critical before thought, Air communicates before thought. Finding out about charts is hugely fascinating to me but also expains the how and why of people. I think it brings great value to the workplace to know your starters,  your maintainers and your changers in the personalities you have working for you. It brought me no greater pleasure than to see this working in local government and their willingness to be open to it.

🙏🏻 Namaste

 

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Against Trump and a hateful agenda, Election, grief, Uncategorized

Confessions of a so called “crybaby”

I write this to the sounds of a nearby train, in the light of the super moon,  I wish I could enjoy more at 3:30 a.m. I awoke from what feels like the millionth nightmare I have had since Trump/Pence won the election. I know I am not alone as I go on Facebook to see my friends up at this hour too, posting they are unable to sleep.

Why are we not sleeping? Why are we having nightmares? Why can’t we get out of bed? It has been suggested and posted a lot that we may be a bunch of crybabies. Unable to accept the results of what the people spoke they wanted. For me and the ones I know in my personal life not sleeping, it is because we are scared for our futures. We are scared to have rights taken from us. Rights that are not equal yet, but we may be loosing the only rights we have protecting us. As the hate crimes against African Americans, Muslims and women are reported across the nation, my fears increase.

I understand why people in middle America voted for Trump. It is so awful what has happened in Flint Michigan and cities across America like Flint. It is a unaddressed problem by our government. It is the rise of greed and not caring about jobs for Americans. Now they are currently drinking poisonous water that is not fixed but told it is. They have been struggling for years with the collapse of the auto industry and job loss. It was completely arrogant of Hillary, when she had the Democratic ticket to not step foot in every Democratic state. They needed their voice heard and she took it for granted that they would vote party line.

Trump went to them to hear them and ordered hats for them to wear. The Democratic Party made fun of this. It was a genius move for Trump because he understands these people. They wear hats all the time, he knows this culture, they felt heard, that gave them hope, so they shouted his name and went out and VOTED. It doesn’t mean what he said to them will happen. It means they believed what he said and he showed up!

Also, I believe the DNC is responsible for not giving the Democratic ticket to Bernie Sanders. I understand people see the corruption of Hillary, I saw it myself. People who also voted for Trump from these cities were also Bernie fans and would have voted for him, given the choice. The Democratic Party no matter what it looks like in this moment, has had an agenda of more freedoms. It has supported unions always. Bernie was a voice of change too and also had the millennial vote. Many people could not vote for Trump or Hillary and chose not too or chose a third party. What screams to me everywhere, is people want change. Even if it means overlooking and endorsing the person they elected who is a bigot, misogynist, fascist, white elite racist.

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As we have watched Trump speak, he doesn’t seem consistent in anything he says. He isn’t a politician, he isn’t polished. It’s what Americans like about him. He is different than Hillary, he is not the MACHINE. That makes people seem to feel better and trust him more. People want change. People want to feel heard that have been suffering financially for a long time. They want hope and a plan. For me it has to say more than,”Let’s make America great again.” To me America has only been great from some people, mainly the white, straight, advantaged man who seems to not see his privilege.

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The days have moved on since Trump became the President elect and we are watching him pick the people he will surround himself with, to help him lead. That folks is why I am terrified in these wee hours of the morning. Pence is the scariest thing to me, Trump has said so many crazy things we can’t focus on this scary man’s agenda. Pence views homosexuality out of a fear base and built on religion, to the point I question if the man is straight himself? He hates gay people more than the God he endorses. I see Jesus saying,” forgive them for voting for Trump/Pence, they don’t know what they’ve done.” Like he did when he was crucified. As a recovering born again Christian, I have read the Bible and know that this a Christian agenda trying to keep the patriarchy  alive. Pence endorses shock therapy to heal gay people. Trump said on 60 minutes that he won’t overturn gay marriage. That is good news that I hope and pray stays intact! I still can’t help but not be able to feel peace because if Trump goes ,then Pence? Why are we not talking about Pence?

Trump did talk about abortion as well on 60 minutes. Ladies aren’t we lucky it won’t be banned in all states? Now your state decides on your vaginal rights, not the nation. Trump feels that you need to travel to another state if your state doesn’t allow you to get an abortion after being grabbed by the pussy and impregnated, that is your right if you choose. Just callous your way to another state, because truly if you stayed to prosecute the man that raped you in your state, well he might have had a couple drinks before raping you, which means that he won’t be prosecuted or have his life ruined because he raped you, he was drunk, he has too much to live for.. We have watched this play out too. Does this pro life agenda plan on giving more to welfare recipients, forced to keep children because they can’t afford an abortion traveling to another state? Change I want. Not this change.

In all this mayhem we are all living in right now , there is much division. People are grieving. We are all upset. For all of our own reasons. The reason I am upset is;
freedom is for all colors, religions and gender, that is not what I am seeing right now and have failed to see ever, in America . Our constitution was written to protect our freedoms. People wanted religious freedoms in America. It’s okay if you want your own religion to practice but you must respect that for others too. You can’t force people into your religion, even if it’s Christianity and that is what is predominantly practiced in America. Free will. Where is separation of church of and state in this agenda? How is this not like Muslim countries with Christianity in America? The man Trump wants to lead education in America is a creationist. The world is flat people, don’t you know? How is this not a Christian agenda to keep patriarchy alive? Or how about the decision to put a self proclaimed white supremacist beside him? I would like to point out Hitler did not come on the scene declaring, “I am killing all Jewish People “, at first. He had to get the voice and belief of the people first, before he could implement the massacre of the Jewish people agenda.

As a women I am horrified to go back. I am horrified that most of my friends I know as females, have been sexually assaulted in their lives. I am included in that. We as females have to be callous about that too because there is shame in talking about that, on women. One out of three females know this is going to happen in their  lives, it’s a matter of when.

The callous nature of humans is what I fear. The callousness of women shouting,” you will be fine, shut up.” Because that’s what has been shoved down our throats always as females! The callousness that I have to tell my daughters that they will have to accept they are not equal still, men can grab your pussy, men can do what they want to your vagina and then vote on your vagina, as to what you can do after they are done in your vagina.

I have to tell my gay son in callousness you might not get to be married and have children because people don’t agree with you, they think it’s a choice. The suicide hotline and suicide number have skyrocketed last week for gay and transgender children. I don’t know very many people that choose to be gay to be outcasted in our very obviously Christian society and be unsupported by the government forever until last year. Those same people are facing AIDS/HIV treatments and support of those going away under Pence.

Also, Trump called my Army Lieutenant of special forces awarded 2 Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star medal veteran dad, a whimp. I have to deal daily with the fact that my dad committed suicide 2 years ago because his country failed him in mental health following Vietnam, along with millions of suffering veterans with ptsd who apparently are also whimps, some in the streets that I commit to feeding, because they could be my dad.

I have to tell my granddaughter in callousness who is half Native American that her people don’t matter and they never have, on top of the fact she was born female. Look at that current situation right now, how their promised land is being treated. Not to mention the atrocities they have endured as Native Americans, not as white men. We are moving forward with this agenda for the white man again, in our change as Americans. The whites man words that these changes don’t affect and is easy to scream, ” you will be okay!” That isn’t change, way more of the same, but worse! I know millions are not for this agenda, which gives me great hope, if we survive the next 4 years.

In closing, being an empath, I feel bad for everyone who suffers. All people. Not one group of people. I refuse to grow more callous than I already am, to survive as a female in America. Is this blog going to change anyone’s mind? I don’t know? That’s not why I wrote this. I never put up anything about the election on social media. When someone on my feed would say something about being for Trump it never changed me, it made me mad. I changed to being an independent voter. I never believed Trump could win. I believed Hillary and the machine would win too. I wasn’t excited about that, but I knew I wouldn’t be experiencing this pain under her. I feel better because I wrote this. I have been unable to function this past week. I needed to get it out of me because I myself have been grieving, going through anger and complete depression trying to cope with this this decision.

The answer to this problem isn’t callousness to people. Personally through my sufferings I have gained empathy for others. It’s looking like this Trump/Pence decision will bring about a great suffering, my hope is empathy is gained and bitterness, callousness does not grow worse.

I chose to participate in a peaceful protest in Denver Thursday night against this agenda of hate and oppression. I respect people and my father who fought for my rights, so I would never burn a flag. I completely understand why people no longer respect our flag. It is however under the first amendment in the constitution, their right to burn the flag or not stand for the pledge of allegiance. As my fiancé says,”If you want everyone to stand for the flag and never demonstrate their rights, I suggest you move to North Korea under that government.” Love him❤️. Protests, NOT RIOTS OR BREAKING THE LAW, is our first amendment right  and I chose and will continue to exercise that right. It is also difficult to communicate love and acceptance in raging riots. To be fair, most of these riots are started by the white supremacist groups showing up to counter protest. Protests have been impactful in civil rights, women’s rights and union rights throughout history. I choose not to be calloused, even if that means I am a so called ,”crybaby.”

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🙏🏻 Namaste

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love, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

The art of being creative

I write this in rainy, grey, cold weather. The weather that seems to want us to curl into a ball and stay in bed, drink warm tea, read books that take us somewhere else or watch a movie to escape into another place, where magic and happy endings live. However life demands that we go to work and carry on regardless of the weather. My point is just that, when we don’t feel creative we must keep creating. I  am a stylist as my career choice. I cannot express in words the emotional roller coaster of creative lulls in a 24 year time with that creative outlet.

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Being a creative person I have gone through the lulls of not being able to be creative. If I think about it, fear is one reason that happens. Negative emotions  are another reason. As I processed  through this thought, I realized something huge. Sometimes we are focusing only on one type of creative outlet. We can hit a lull in that outlet and feel obsessed almost trying to get back to that place of creativity where we felt free to create endlessly.

The thing about being a creative person, which I personally feel we are all creative as humans, is that we have many outlets to being creative. What I have thought about lately is that we don’t give as much power or vilidity to some of the outlets we have. Recently I was going through a creative lull and I decided to start coloring at night because it was so therapeutic for my brain to not ruminate on my creative lull and fixing it. Coloring is said to be as beneficial as meditation for your brain. Studies have shown that coloring helps addictions, for the brain to be able to focus on coloring. Finding colors that are soothing to look at and create dimension.

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I have written in this blog off and on for 2 years. Sometimes everyday and not for months. I have experienced the lulls of creativity and writing too. Again I think it was that thought that my creative focus had to be there and not feeling free to let it flow from somewhere else. It’s also emotions and to me when I feel free I can create.  It is again the thinking that we must create from that one place we are focusing on. Writing has always been a focus when I am struggling emotionally. It is the most therapeutic outlet I have found when I can’t cope emotionally. I also think as a human it is good to be vulnerable to people who are suffering similarly to help them know they are not alone. When my father took his life and I wrote my heart out. It helped people who also went through suicide. There is shame around suicide and I would like to help remove that label. It also helped me to cope and move on,I am very grateful for the gift of writing!

The point that I want to hold on and share is that when we experience creative lulls, we have other ways within us to create. We just have to recognize that the other outlets have just as much value. Creativity is done with our hands. Painting, photography, cooking, sewing, writing etc…. it is endless the outlets we have to create. I am obsessed with flowers and the colors that burst forth from them. They inspire me. I have spent time growing them and photographing them throughout my life. The sunrises are one of the things I look forward too more than anything in this life. I have photographed so many.  I have cooked a million meals for my 3 kids and fell in love with cooking! Again sometimes with great vigor and sometimes barely able to boil noodles. All of these outlets matter. Don’t let fear rule you in the creative lull, let it out somewhere else.

Namaste❤️

 

 

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Uncategorized

What are you thinking?

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Our thoughts are powerful, they are so powerful that the existence we are living, is created out of them. Do you realize how much we think about the future and problems we aren’t having and coming up with solutions with how to fix those problems, we might have? That is not what is happening in the moment. That is a thought. That is all it is. If we recognize this, we can dismiss the thought and tell ourselves that is not happening right now, that is a fear and tell ourselves out loud, I feel scared and walk through the wave of the feeling and not resist it, we will feel better and be able to be present in what we are actually experiencing in the moment. It is amazing to me how much resistance I sometimes feel and I want to run away from that feeling, but I know if I just let the feeling come over me I can move on to thoughts about where I am and what I am actually doing in the moment.

I visualize this cage that has been around my thought life, through the traumas of life I have gone through and blogged about, it has brought me to a place of seeking truth. I knew what the depths of depression felt like loss,grief and hopelessness. I have always felt like there is more to life than material gain, being famous and really wanted to experience freedom and happiness. We live in a very negative world and bad things are happening all around us and the media focuses on them constantly. We focus on things we can’t control that is outside of us. We have been taught to be happy from external sources and in trying to please everyone and live in things we have told us make us happy ,we can’t hear ourselves anymore. When I started practicing yoga and meditation and shutting everything out I allowed myself to observe my thoughts without judgement and let them flow, by doing this I was able to start identifying future, past thoughts quickly to pull myself into the present moment. Our brains are producing thoughts constantly and we are able to be in control of that. It does nothing but stress us out when we think of future problems, it isn’t happening ,it is just a thought. Past thoughts can rule our reality as well, we can live in the terrible things that have happened years ago, those are thoughts. We can dismiss those thoughts, that happened and it’s not right now or in this moment. Feel the feelings around those future and past thoughts, say the feeling out loud and walk through the feeling, there is major freedom in that. You can tell yourself that and bring ourself to the present moment. I have shut off the radio when I drive and I listen to podcasts of speakers talking about living this way.   I have tried to slow down on my social media because I know it is an external source and the true key to living this life is being authentically you; meaning living inside out. I haven’t watched the news in years, the negative is insane to me to focus on and I find value in not focusing on things I can’t control. When we can focus on things we can change, that is when we become affective. All of our energy is focused on that and not on what we can’t do to solve the problem or go to negative thinking that is ineffective and again just a thought, that can be dismissed. It is very powerful to sit in the moment and be totally focused on just that and not a future or past thought taking over,that is our control, this moment. it’s just a thought, what we do with it, is up to us.

Namaste ❤

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Uncategorized

Inspired by nature

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There is nothing more beautiful to me than flowers. As a hair colorist, I use them as a guide for colors to be used together and patterns that are seamless. My Nana was an artist, she painted mostly with oils, she also made gorgeous silver jewelry. I have not spent much time painting on canvas but I do use the hair as a canvas and paint color into the hair.

My boyfriend, so wierd to say that, Lol, took me on a date to the Denver Botanic Gardens yesterday.  I can honestly tell you, that was hands down the best date I have ever been on. We both LOVE flowers, it is so great we share that passion, both of our mother’s were/are master gardeners. We took our time and strolled along the paths of perfectly placed stones for the bright colors of every flower imaginable,  to illuminate you on your journey through this paradise. We sat in these super comfy wicker chairs in a glass greenhouse, we sat on benches placed by ponds with  floating water lilies. We sat frequently because Craig’s toe was broken the evening before, by a very large toolbox that rolled over his second toe, helping a friend move. He was a trooper through the whole thing.

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My parents spent their summers in their garden that endlessly grew from flowers and a bird sanctuary,  to ponds, vegetables, fruits, a handmade gazebo my father built, a haven for their grandchildren to practice archery or  shooting BB guns. The peace I feel around flowers is inarticulate ,  just a deep sense of being taken care of by the universe. My dad took his life a year ago in this sanctuary he built for himself.  I can not imagine another place for him that is more perfect to move to the next path he is on in the universe. I imagine him laughing his big contagious laugh as he gives bear hugs to his mom and dad and all our relatives that have passed on,  men who served with dad in Vietnam, and his friends. Every time I look at a flower I have a deep connection with my parents and the love passed down to me through them.

I sold my house of 12 years recently and miss my garden so much!garden picture

Thankfully,Craig is in the process of a total remodel of his entire backyard ,that includes these incredible plants to attract butterflies. They are already coming , I am so grateful that I can participate in this project with him, to get my hands in the dirt.

I will leave you with what inspired me yesterday for colors. I have found that when we find something we are passionate about in this life we really start to live the gifts that have been given to us. I am so happy right now in my life and have found freedom, the emotions tied to this  has created a artistic flame I can’t say I have experienced before. I am very grateful and choose daily to not live in fear but trust that everything will be provided for in the perfect moment by living in the moment and day by day.

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Namaste ♡

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