Optimistic concept.Once there was a farmer whose horse ran away, and all his neighbors came over and said, “What bad luck.” The farmer replied, “Maybe.” A few days later, the horse came back and brought five wild horses with it. The neighbors came over again and said, “what good luck.” The farmer said, “Maybe.” Then the farmer’s son tried to ride one of the wild horses, but he was thrown and broke his arm. The neighbors said, “what bad luck.” And again the farmer said, “maybe.” Finally the army came through the village conscripting all the able-bodied young men to fight in a war, but they left the farmer’s son at home because of his broken arm. The neighbors came over to say, “what good luck!” The farmer said, “maybe.”

That is life, right? We say, “yay” to all the good and we judge the bad as misfortune. We have no idea what is coming at us at any given time in this life. I love the farmer’s response because he understands this principle of truly never trusting in judging the experience and outcome as we have no f$&@ing clue what is about to come at us around the corner.

I suppose it’s optimism that keeps us in a state to receive whatever is coming our way. It’s learning lessons from the hard stuff we have gone through and understanding the good that came out of those dark times. In our most anxiety driven times what happened internally when we quit that job we hated? When we left that toxic relationship? When we experience death and loss. What happened during all those times? Is there resurrection too in all the heartache? Yes! There. Is!

I am becoming a believer in edifying my pain and embracing it full on. There are so many lessons of growth if we aren’t judging the experiences we are having as good or bad. Understanding our pain and emotional state and sitting with that pain being okay and knowing it will pass! There is a lesson, like a choose your own adventure story unfolding. It is our attitude in life that carries us through. Trusting the universe for everything coming at us is an appointment with our optimism and how we choose to perceive this life as good or bad or an amazing journey we are not in control of and that’s okay.




Thank you silence


Standing in a moment that is really painful and accepting everything you are experiencing in your body, the tightness in your chest, the coldness in your feet, the feeling of sadness radiating from your heart center that seems to hang over you like a grey cloud, without fixing judging or changing anything in that moment, only acceptance that all these uncomfortable feelings are present and you accept that moment for all it holds, is called self compassion.

Life is full of ups and downs, the world is changing everyday, we cannot control our external circumstances. We can only control how we respond to these circumstances. It is very normal for us to resist feelings that are painful or when we physically don’t feel great, we don’t want to feel it. We want to push against it and resist those feelings. Our critical voice comes in to let us know we are blowing it hard core. Our voice of what we think will motivate us to move forward shows up, this false friend salutes and takes over barking orders and letting you know how many times you have sucked and failed causing the endless push against everything we feel and the consumption of our endless poisons to numb that voice.

The freedom we can experience in this life is in acceptance of these painful and uncomfortable feelings. It  is what monks, Buddhism, yogi and every spiritual teacher teaches us about. When we can accept that it’s normal for us to go through pain, suffering, challenges in this every changing world. We have a choice how we will get through it fighting and resisting  or having acceptance along this path. It’s not easy. It’s tons of forgiveness for ourselves , it’s tons of letting go of controls that totally don’t work, its acceptance that our reality lives in this moment. When life is really hard sometimes we need to live moment by moment. How do we eat an elephant? Bite by bite.

Just because we feel horrible sometimes does not make that our reality forever even though it feels like time stopped and we got dropped off in the twilight zone. We also aren’t defined by what we consider our failures.  It means in this time of life it’s super hard. The self compassion is letting yourself know this too shall pass. You have made it 💯 percent to this point. It’s firing our critical voice and ushering in our voice that soothes and reminds us of our amazing times we have had on this journey too, how many times we did succeed, how many hard times we have already made it through. It’s allowing yourself to be human and consider your failures lessons. For me, this is my connection to yoga. Yoga is meditative poses, some poses hurt like a mother f”?!er sometimes. To breathe through the pain and accept the physical pain helps me also allow the channel of emotional flow too. Sometimes I cry during yoga. It helps to breathe when you feel crazy emotional it resets our brain. Breathe is our most powerful tool.

I am really learning that acceptance  of the moment is where life is abundant and full of gratitude. Channeling this new calm, supportive and accepting voice opens a door to hope that this too shall pass and not only that but greater things are to come and in the horizon. Happiness and abundance is possible, it lives in total acceptance of the awesomeness of this life and the depths of hell we crawl through that we learn more about ourselves from than anything else, we have to have gratitude for those lows, we evolved, that’s the point of this life. Go blow it and give yourself a high five and a hug and a reminder that doesn’t define you!


healing, suicide survivor, Uncategorized


IMG_0081.JPGRecently I was shown this model that made perfect sense to me when it comes to the origin of emotional triggers. Within each of us we have a core belief system about ourselves, a truth we have come to know and many times we aren’t conscious of and can be detrimental to us if our core belief is negative about ourselves. Negative Core beliefs that no one cares, I don’t matter, I don’t have value, I am messed up, are a few examples.

When a trigger happens it is rooted from this core belief about ourselves that starts forming around age 2.  It doesn’t mean when we are going through a difficult situation that is triggering that it doesn’t hurt, the pain we are feeling is very validated and real. Many times we obsess about the person who caused this trigger instead of looking at the core belief we have about ourselves that was actually triggered by that person and the negative core belief being validated is where this pain is shooting from. It’s not to say or excuse someone from treating you poorly but the depths of pain  we are feeling are actually coming from is our negative core belief system being triggered in the situation we are in.

Why is this important? If we aren’t in awareness of our core beliefs about ourselves  and we become triggered it starts a process called build up. It starts the depression cycle of feeling victimized, anger, blaming, expecting the worst, not feeling hope that things will improve, isolation and avoidance becomes our best friend. It feels like time has stopped and we are stuck in this intensity of all these emotions and feel extremely victimized.

Left in that build up state for too long can lead us down the road to the act out phase where suicidal thoughts and maybe even follow through by attempting suicide,  feeling all these emotions without going back to the original source which is our negative core belief system.

We can also jump into pretending everything is normal, we feel fear and guilt when triggered,  this is the justification phase. That also comes from core beliefs and handling it through justification to those negative core beliefs.

We can change our negative core beliefs if we know what they are, how they got there. We can affirm a new positive core belief system that enables us to not be triggered by someone else and their choices. We can rid ourselves of this defeating message from the past, to see clearly and not become triggered by the negative core belief system but empowered by a new real time positive core belief system and validating our truth in who we are today.







My written word


Pain has always motivated me to write since I was a child. It is this access to a wellspring of words that describe the devastation of feelings I am experiencing that want to explode out of  me with immense intensity that make you hold onto whatever you around to sustain the power of the vomit of words coming out. When I decide to accompany music to this writing it is an orchestra of pain intertwined, swirling coming from the depths bubbling  beneath me. It has become a relationship of  having the greatest written material ever from this pain and the reality of living through the  experience causing the pain. It is a vortex of a different reality  that pulls me forward , I can fill a whole notebook in a week, it becomes an obsession to get it out of me. It is my healer, it is always what I return too, it is my best friend, my written word is what I seek in my relationship with the truth.

Do you ever listen to a song repeatedly because the words pierce your heart making your gut literally physically react without consent, making you scream without noise, the vibration of music that is sixth sense with words describing everything you are feeling?  The tears rolling down in cascades,  the uncontrollable sobbing  holding your face in your palms feeling the very depths of your raw exposed, wounded  soul. It’s healing, feel it to the core, the pain is seeking refuge.

As humans we suck at feeling pain we never give enough credence to closure and goodbyes. We move on way to quick to run from that shadow that we can’t face lurking with so much heartache we can’t face. We soothe the pain in whatever our poison of choice we choose to numb those pangs of feelings we cannot tolerate that shake us to our core.

Today I am grateful for the almighty, never ending, written word. My endearment and salvation is inarticulate, it is circle that is never broken in a world that is changing every day.




healing, love, suicide survivor, Uncategorized


I am not ashamed of suicide, it took the life of my greatest support and example, my father. It is because of shame, people who struggle with suicide don’t get the support they need or the family members experiencing suicide don’t either. It is a veil of blackness we must remove around suicide.

I am not ashamed of mental illness, it has had ravaging affects on my family members, it is no different than having a physical disease, it’s in the mind. Shame stops people from seeking help or even having an open conversation about the mind not working properly.

I am not ashamed to speak of rape in a culture that stopped punishing men for their crimes because their lives would be ruined and the women? She has to live in shame. No, we are going to talk about it, we are going to take shame out of it for females. Shame stops women from talking about rape, 1 out of 3 females this will happen too in their lives, shame stops them from reporting it and is ruining lives.

I am not ashamed to fight for equal rights. I am not ashamed to stand up for those who need protection when they can’t help themselves.

I am not ashamed of my openly gay son. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He is a glorious human with a heart of gold in his service toward others who are also gay and the homeless and the people in need from other places around the world.

I am not ashamed to have any of these conversations. It is the only way we can change how we are dealing with these issues by removing shame and secrecy. Shameless is an attitude of caring more about the person who is suffering than opinions of others or culture.

Join with me in having these conversations to remove shame. Shame is not a sustainable value, no matter where you apply that principle there is mass destruction.

Namaste 💕


What’s your sign?

IMG_2524.PNGYep, when you meet me for the first time, that is what I am going to ask you, “what is your sign?” Then as you get to know me or your a friend of mine, you will know this is how I understand humans. This is my language ,some call it my gift. I have been studying astrology for about 7 years.

Last week I was given an amazing opportunity to go to the town of Morrison and lead a team building lunch based on everyone’s zodiac chart, that worked in the office. I love skeptics. As I told them, many who work in astrology are not taken seriously because they change their names to star beam and quit shaving their armpits. That has not been my experience with astrology. It has given me great understanding about people and their temperaments and dispositions in life. As a hairdresser of 24 years I have worked with everyone. What I started understanding over the years is that, there is a theme in which people live their lives consciously or unconsciously. I like to know or relate to someone  so I can understand them and the way they communicate with me. That is the power of understanding astrology.

My first skeptic entered the room for lunch in Morrison, declaring she was there for the free pizza. She asked me ,”what I could tell her that would make her believe anything I was about to say? “I asked her, what her sign was?  She answered,”Leo.” I asked her if she suffered from headaches?  She answered, ” yes, horrible headaches.” I explained to her that the Sun was the ruling planet of Leo. The energy of the Sun can be so intense for these lions that they have to retreat to the dark due to their ruling planet ,the Sun or they will be plagued by headaches. She proceeded  to get her pizza and find a seat because I just explained something to her, her own doctors don’t understand. It gave her value, so she listened. My mom is a Leo and has suffered from migraines her entire life.  That is the power of astrology, knowing ourselves and others and understanding the differences. Each sign is ruled by a different planet, symbol, element, chakra and body part affected by these. We have several signs and planets ruling us within our charts but most people know only their sun sign. That is why we are so different even in the same sun sign. Most of the time we can relate to the element in the same sign.

I had everyone at the office in Morrison  pull their charts on their phones, so they could read further on their own time if they chose about their charts and how each planet affected them. We also used the information during the meeting to find out the strengths of each person in the workplace.  I have to tell you how happy I was to find out earth elements are running that town and government . We did not discuss the election at this meeting or politics because this was team building. I have written about my concerns with our elected president who by the way has no earth in his charts and explains why he is so flippant and fiery. He is Gemini sun (air), Leo rising (fire), Sagittarius moon (fire). That chart screams reality t.v. Show. It’s fine he doesn’t  have it in his charts but he needs to put Earth elements around him. He will naturally never be stable or practical. Earth elements are the practical people of the zodiac; stable, salt of the earth, practical. These are people you want running government. Those Earth elements are Virgo, Capricorn, Taurus. Even if these are not your sun sign they can be dominant somewhere else in your chart. Which was the case in this situation in Morrison. It was awesome as we talked about each sign, for them to point at each other and say,” that is totally you.”

I was given a gift certificate to use at any restaurant from the town of Morrison. It came to me in the mail,in a card from everyone who attended the meeting and signed with newfound zeal for this information. That is what it is. Information you can use to transform your own understanding about yourself and those around you. So glad they all got so much from it!

We all have our charts. We can learn about ourselves. We are going to do what we do naturally,unless we on purpose put people in our lives who help give us elements we don’t have in our charts. Some of us interestingly do it without knowledge or seek that missing element or elements. Statistically we marry within our sun elements. Air (Aries,Gemini,Libra), Fire ( Leo,Aries,Sagittarius),Earth (Taurus,Virgo,Capricorn),Water( Pisces, Scorpio,Cancer).  For me, I don’t have Earth elements in my chart. I have been aware of this for some time and need that balance. I have never dated or married in my Air element as a Gemini.  My best friend, my fiancé, my daughter  are all earth elements. When I am loosing my mind, I call them or talk to them. They present fact and stability to my emotions in practical ways. If we know we are going to react a certain way we can learn what to do to stop and think before we do it. Typically,Waters  feel before thought, Fires react before thought, Earth is critical before thought, Air communicates before thought. Finding out about charts is hugely fascinating to me but also expains the how and why of people. I think it brings great value to the workplace to know your starters,  your maintainers and your changers in the personalities you have working for you. It brought me no greater pleasure than to see this working in local government and their willingness to be open to it.

🙏🏻 Namaste