consciousness, education for the mind, accessing the subconcious,, evolving, grief, healing, suicide survivor

Deathday year 4

My dad took his life four years ago today, I thought it was yesterday but I realized it came into my consciousness to start the emotional unwrapping I need to process for this year. . This year I feel sad but I don’t feel the other emotions tied to his suicide I have felt in years past. Like anger. I have been angry at him for not meeting my granddaughter, committing suicide in the hell year 2014 my family was in. There is so much underneath anger. In my experience with anger, it felt like a protective emotion. I felt pretty ruled by the feelings of anger and hopelessness. I talked to my dad all the time, I told him my woes which was a lot in 2014, he was helpful when he wasn’t depressed. The day before his suicide I spoke to him. Of course that conversion echoes in my mind. He told me he was depressed and that he didn’t understand his purpose for living. That was really normal for him to say that. He struggled big time with depression, he was on meds and institutionalized off and on in the V.A. my entire life. He had several attempted suicides too. He was going back on meds because he was so depressed, he had an appointment the day after his suicide. In my mind having our last conversation, I knew his circular patterns and I thought he would start his meds and start to feel better. Not this time.

Last year in March, I started EMDR trauma therapy. That was the most healing eight months I have had around his suicide and other trauma I experienced with him in my life. It helped me understand our relationship. It helped me understand some of the emotions I struggled with around his suicide.

My dad was my savior and abuser. He taught me so many amazing, valid, helpful ways to navigate through life. He gave me opportunities with nature and the love of the outdoors. We biked, hiked, backpacked, canoed, ran, downhill skied, cross country skied all over the Rocky Mountains. He was there for me, my number one support system. He also taught me codependency in his need to control because he was a lieutenant. If I didn’t do what he said, something bad would happen like his soldiers. It was his unresolved issues with Vietnam I came to understand. He also was my example as a man, which lead to the men and friendships I choose . I am so grateful for EMDR therapy. It changed my life! By understanding the messages I received through the trauma, I was able to navigate through the emotions that were stumbling blocks and change those messages.

EMDR trauma therapy is developed to help the mind reprocess trauma. We have information coming at us all day, our subconscious is able to process unneeded information in the moment. When we experience trauma it is too much overload on the subconscious and we experience trauma in our bodies and do not process the trauma, we get locked in the negative messages we receive in trauma. This therapy is done holding sensors that are vibrating communicating with both sides of the brain to go back to the trauma and reprocess it without the body responding or holding on to the negative emotion. It helps us to see the messages we received in those traumas, giving the negative emotions names and meanings. Then you go back in and tell yourself your new truths and their meanings. It also helps with ptsd. When I met my guy if he came near me sleeping I would punch him. Thankfully we worked through that. My nerve system was reactive and sensitive due to this trauma of suicide but also other trauma I went through in 2014.

Loosing a support system you have had your whole life is difficult, especially in suicide which is instant. There is no time to prepare or think about their loss, it’s just over. It has been my catalyst for being my own support system. It helped me learn to meditate and go inside to hear because I am able, not because dad said so, not because I’m angry, I can trust myself. I don’t need to be controlled by anyone but me. When you are raised very controlled it instills a message, I am not able, I need to be controlled, I need someone’s else’s opinion. Being able to hear myself, seek my higher self and hear my intuition through meditation, yoga, intentions and to be able to trust me, it is the most freeing, empowering experience I have ever had.

It’s really beautiful to feel at peace today even in my sadness. Today I am grateful for the birds I hear singing, the running water from my pool. I miss my dad, I miss the good times, his interaction with my kids, his silliness, his generosity. I do not miss the explosive, angry, terrifying human he could be. I had to accept the reality of the duality of him. I don’t have to interact with my dad’s violence, depression, anger and all the consequences he had because of those unresolved emotions in him. It is so much easier to remember the good things in him because I am not interacting with the negative. And now I know it’s okay to feel that way. It’s the road to acceptance in suicide for me.

Namaste🙏🏻

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addiction, astrology, consciousness, evolving, grief, healing, love, suicide survivor

Full moon in Scorpio, what needs to die to live?

This morning I awoke at 4:20 a.m. to do some moon-bathing. It was mind blowing to see the sun come up with the full moon together in the sky this morning. The energy we receive from the moon is different than the energy we receive from the sun and without risk of overexposure. The moon is energizing. The full moon in Scorpio is here to clean emotions and renew vision.

Scorpio is a water sign and water deals with our emotions. Scorpio is the sign of death and rebirth. The symbol is a scorpion but it also a bald eagle for its ability to see clearly through a situation instinctually. Scorpio helps us see what needs to die emotionally to give life. Scorpio is the still, deep waters of intuition in the water signs.

Under this full moon like retrogrades we use this time to heal and be aware of what needs to die or be realized emotionally to live fully in the next phase. I immediately felt my father this morning as I was outside where my dad lives. He was always outdoors by a homemade fire at home, even when not camping, backpacking or sleeping under the stars. Every time I’ve seen him after his death it’s outside under a tree. His suicide or death-day is almost here May 6, four years ago. This morning I realized there is still pain there. It is a different pain than what I have experienced already, more of a release I believe. More of a desire to have closure. To honor my dad for the amazing things he taught me and forgiveness for what he did taking his life from so many people that loved him. However I am truly realizing in his pain he was unable to see his value. That is where I can release him is that he is free. Sometimes we go through hardship to grow beyond what we would if we didn’t experience that hardship.

Suicide is a bitch slap. You are not ready. You aren’t prepared and it is very different than natural death or someone passing with illness. It takes you through cycles of grief it feels endlessly. I love him and am thankful for his teachings with nature. I miss him. I feel like I’m moving into acceptance in the grief cycle. Acceptance is the desire as we climb the grief ladder and the last stage.

This pink Scorpio moon really is here to heal. You have tonight as an opportunity to bathe or take walks, sleep under this full moon. I will sleep under it tonight if the wind ceases. It recharges us and heals us if we are open and allow it to.

Namaste 🙏🏻🌕

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grief, healing, suicide survivor

The reading

I have been struggling with some deep depression. It feels very heavy to the core, it is unbearable at times. I am doing trauma therapy weekly trying to process emotionally my fathers suicide three years ago, I haven’t been the same, since.  My oldest daughter has really struggled with her grandpa’s suicide because he was like a dad to her,  as a single mom to her for 4 years he helped a lot with her and she was his” little-hotshot”. My father was my greatest supporter so his loss was huge to me in so many ways.

My daughter sought a psychic this week in her healing process, my dad came up a ton in her reading. The psychic asked about me several times in her reading and told her I needed to come to see her because of my dad. So I did.

Yesterday,  I had an appointment with this psychic. I was leary as I think you should be a bit at first or with a pyscic the first time, but I have a had a reading by someone else before and it was a positive experience that helped me move forward. I pulled up to her house with signs that pointed the way inside. I was greeted by her super furry, fawn colored, yapping dog at the door. I was concerned the dog was psychic too and barking because I was being read by it. A woman in her fifties, olive toned skin, darker hair, greying on the sides, intense hazel eyes and of Eastern Europe decent with a little bit of an accent greeted me and told me to sit down across from her at a wooden table. She had jars of oils on her wooden table she had prepared, her house was very clean and void of energies. She spoke slowly to me and explained all my choices I could have for my reading. I choose the most in depth reading which includes your palm and an entire tarot card reading. She handed me the cards to shuffle and put my energy on the cards, the deck was so worn. Many cards had torn edges. It spoke of her time with these cards and it made feel comfortable because she had probably done hundreds, if not thousands of readings with these cards.

She took the deck from me and started to lay them in a brick lay fashion, stacking them. She didn’t say a lot at first. She just kept laying the cards down in top of each other in the same fashion. She paused and grabbed my hand. She turned my palms upwards and said very sternly, ” you have a very long life but you bring yourself close to death too many times, the next time you attempt suicide you will be paralyzed, your children and their children will follow suite and suicide will live in your family forever.” She leaned into me and spoke into my eyes, ” you must break this curse!” That really scared the shit out of me!

She went back to brick laying and reading my cards and told me,”because my dad had committed suicide he is stuck here, he is confused and he is also trying to protect my daughter and I, his energy is toxic and he is angry and lonely for the past three years”. She told me, “my daughter and I have to help him pass on and lead him to the light because he was never supposed to commit suicide”. She said, “his energy of depression that lead him to suicide is so strong in me and has such a hold that I needed to cleanse myself, heal myself and help him move on to the next life.”

In order to do this, she gave me cleansing oils I need to apply nightly to sleep in for 14 days, I then will use love oil or reparative oil for another 14 days. These are oils prepared by her and prayed over specifically for these energies. As well I have to smudge my home with sage everywhere, leave the house with all the animals and return 30 minutes later to light a white candle and open doors and windows to help and encourage my dad move on.

It maybe sounds hokey to some but the truth of suicide is that it is sudden for everyone, including my dad. I have never considered my dad tortured and not passed on until this was pointed out. If this is what we need to do I am open because nothing has worked so far to get closure with his suicide.

I also belong to a suicide survivor support group called heartbeat, they have always recommended psychics to help with the passing of a loved one that has committed suicide. We actually at one group had a psychic that is local named Deb Shepherd who did a group reading. My dad didn’t come through at that group. It wasn’t something I put a lot of value into until now. I will let you know how this goes as I work through this process. It is imperative to stop this cycle of suicide and depression I my family and it will start with me!

Namaste💕🦄

 

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healing, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

Cycle

IMG_0081.JPGRecently I was shown this model that made perfect sense to me when it comes to the origin of emotional triggers. Within each of us we have a core belief system about ourselves, a truth we have come to know and many times we aren’t conscious of and can be detrimental to us if our core belief is negative about ourselves. Negative Core beliefs that no one cares, I don’t matter, I don’t have value, I am messed up, are a few examples.

When a trigger happens it is rooted from this core belief about ourselves that starts forming around age 2.  It doesn’t mean when we are going through a difficult situation that is triggering that it doesn’t hurt, the pain we are feeling is very validated and real. Many times we obsess about the person who caused this trigger instead of looking at the core belief we have about ourselves that was actually triggered by that person and the negative core belief being validated is where this pain is shooting from. It’s not to say or excuse someone from treating you poorly but the depths of pain  we are feeling are actually coming from is our negative core belief system being triggered in the situation we are in.

Why is this important? If we aren’t in awareness of our core beliefs about ourselves  and we become triggered it starts a process called build up. It starts the depression cycle of feeling victimized, anger, blaming, expecting the worst, not feeling hope that things will improve, isolation and avoidance becomes our best friend. It feels like time has stopped and we are stuck in this intensity of all these emotions and feel extremely victimized.

Left in that build up state for too long can lead us down the road to the act out phase where suicidal thoughts and maybe even follow through by attempting suicide,  feeling all these emotions without going back to the original source which is our negative core belief system.

We can also jump into pretending everything is normal, we feel fear and guilt when triggered,  this is the justification phase. That also comes from core beliefs and handling it through justification to those negative core beliefs.

We can change our negative core beliefs if we know what they are, how they got there. We can affirm a new positive core belief system that enables us to not be triggered by someone else and their choices. We can rid ourselves of this defeating message from the past, to see clearly and not become triggered by the negative core belief system but empowered by a new real time positive core belief system and validating our truth in who we are today.

Namaste💕🦄

 

 

 

 

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healing, love, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

Shameless

I am not ashamed of suicide, it took the life of my greatest support and example, my father. It is because of shame, people who struggle with suicide don’t get the support they need or the family members experiencing suicide don’t either. It is a veil of blackness we must remove around suicide.

I am not ashamed of mental illness, it has had ravaging affects on my family members, it is no different than having a physical disease, it’s in the mind. Shame stops people from seeking help or even having an open conversation about the mind not working properly.

I am not ashamed to speak of rape in a culture that stopped punishing men for their crimes because their lives would be ruined and the women? She has to live in shame. No, we are going to talk about it, we are going to take shame out of it for females. Shame stops women from talking about rape, 1 out of 3 females this will happen too in their lives, shame stops them from reporting it and is ruining lives.

I am not ashamed to fight for equal rights. I am not ashamed to stand up for those who need protection when they can’t help themselves.

I am not ashamed of my openly gay son. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He is a glorious human with a heart of gold in his service toward others who are also gay and the homeless and the people in need from other places around the world.

I am not ashamed to have any of these conversations. It is the only way we can change how we are dealing with these issues by removing shame and secrecy. Shameless is an attitude of caring more about the person who is suffering than opinions of others or culture.

Join with me in having these conversations to remove shame. Shame is not a sustainable value, no matter where you apply that principle there is mass destruction.

Namaste 💕

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healing, love, suicide survivor

Awareness

So strange the sensation I feel, responding  to a instinctual urge,  the connectedness to it, it is a cord unbroken, a path that never ends. Nothing can block it. It felt that way today about writing. I felt that want and longing for my thoughts to appear on the screen in front of me.

I have been locked out of my WordPress account for a while. It was okay though because I didn’t have this burning feeling inside to write this summer. So I followed my desire to write this morning and went to log in and it remembered my password somehow. So here we are😊

So this burning going on in me is about living in Awareness. What does that mean, anyway? It’s a Viewpoint you allow yourself  to see how you are  reacting or responding to situations. Are we personalizing every negative person’s behavior we interact with? Maybe we do live like that, but don’t want to, It causes too much drama. So we are willing to look at or we are open to not living in a defensive state or wanting to see or be open to a different perspective about how to handle things differently.

Awareness does not mean perfection. Rome was not built in a day! Sometimes in my experience, it’s all in retrospect that I see things, not necessarily in that moment. If I am hormonal and going through pms,  I will be more loud, angry and vocal about things that are wrong in the world and all the injustices. But I do have awareness that shows me that, so if I don’t want to be psycho. I can do something about it. I am middle aged and starting through major hormone changes. Being middle aged is confusing because my mind is the same and operating better cognitively but my body is having more restrictions. Injuries from the past are now not so simple. It requires a lot more physical working out and yoga for me to maintain what I once took for granted physically . The bod is changing!

Awareness is a friend to your self. It’s the only way to change because we are aware we need too. It protects you because it allows a free viewpoint if you don’t judge your awareness. Intuition and awareness are connected. Typically no matter what situation we are in, we know we are safe or not, right away. Sketchy things are happening around us and our awareness is taking it all in and gives a shout out to our  intuition in the fight or flight response. We are so connected. The blockage is defending our positions instead of having awareness about how we really feel inside.

Being a Gemini is difficult, to say the least. I struggle with my own duality and who is in charge that day. I see every view point and both sides so making decisions is agonizing. I am aware though that this goes on and I have a say because I am aware of what part of myself I need to express. In my path I am learning not judge myself a lot from my mistakes. I try to learn and know that I am going to be human. I am done feeding the perfection. Perfection is ego based. That is a debilitating state to live that has no happiness. I can’t compare myself to anyone. I am me. I have my story you have yours.

We all have gifts that are unique and personal to who we are. So many people are living in their gifts , not aware that is what they are doing. Maybe not for a living but the passion that drives within you that you pursue. It’s the causes we have to help people. It’s the empathy for someone going through the same heartache you went through. It’s our humanity.

Awareness is changing my life and I am grateful for the connectedness I feel to my intuition. I get to spend time doing what my soul is longing for and  it feels exhilarating and hopeful, no matter the current personal battles or circumstances going on. We can only change what we are open to seeing and not defending the person you were in the past. Change is what is happening all the time, we can grow and change because that is natural. It is part of the life cycle.

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Namaste❤️

 

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love, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

The art of being creative

I write this in rainy, grey, cold weather. The weather that seems to want us to curl into a ball and stay in bed, drink warm tea, read books that take us somewhere else or watch a movie to escape into another place, where magic and happy endings live. However life demands that we go to work and carry on regardless of the weather. My point is just that, when we don’t feel creative we must keep creating. I  am a stylist as my career choice. I cannot express in words the emotional roller coaster of creative lulls in a 24 year time with that creative outlet.

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Being a creative person I have gone through the lulls of not being able to be creative. If I think about it, fear is one reason that happens. Negative emotions  are another reason. As I processed  through this thought, I realized something huge. Sometimes we are focusing only on one type of creative outlet. We can hit a lull in that outlet and feel obsessed almost trying to get back to that place of creativity where we felt free to create endlessly.

The thing about being a creative person, which I personally feel we are all creative as humans, is that we have many outlets to being creative. What I have thought about lately is that we don’t give as much power or vilidity to some of the outlets we have. Recently I was going through a creative lull and I decided to start coloring at night because it was so therapeutic for my brain to not ruminate on my creative lull and fixing it. Coloring is said to be as beneficial as meditation for your brain. Studies have shown that coloring helps addictions, for the brain to be able to focus on coloring. Finding colors that are soothing to look at and create dimension.

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I have written in this blog off and on for 2 years. Sometimes everyday and not for months. I have experienced the lulls of creativity and writing too. Again I think it was that thought that my creative focus had to be there and not feeling free to let it flow from somewhere else. It’s also emotions and to me when I feel free I can create.  It is again the thinking that we must create from that one place we are focusing on. Writing has always been a focus when I am struggling emotionally. It is the most therapeutic outlet I have found when I can’t cope emotionally. I also think as a human it is good to be vulnerable to people who are suffering similarly to help them know they are not alone. When my father took his life and I wrote my heart out. It helped people who also went through suicide. There is shame around suicide and I would like to help remove that label. It also helped me to cope and move on,I am very grateful for the gift of writing!

The point that I want to hold on and share is that when we experience creative lulls, we have other ways within us to create. We just have to recognize that the other outlets have just as much value. Creativity is done with our hands. Painting, photography, cooking, sewing, writing etc…. it is endless the outlets we have to create. I am obsessed with flowers and the colors that burst forth from them. They inspire me. I have spent time growing them and photographing them throughout my life. The sunrises are one of the things I look forward too more than anything in this life. I have photographed so many.  I have cooked a million meals for my 3 kids and fell in love with cooking! Again sometimes with great vigor and sometimes barely able to boil noodles. All of these outlets matter. Don’t let fear rule you in the creative lull, let it out somewhere else.

Namaste❤️

 

 

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