grief, healing, love, parenting

Rage against the machine

It’s the middle of the night, I awake again to a nightmare. My body is soaked in sweat and my anger has no solace. It has taken me four days since the current mass high school shooting in Florida to be able to write this.

I am the mom of a child who survived a high school shooting in 2013 in Littleton, Colorado. Every time there is a high school shooting this happens to me, I awake in nightmares and the day that shooting happened to my daughter goes on replay for me. I get to re exeperiance the fear and helplessness. I had to deactivate my Facebook account because I cannot maintain my personal sanity and see the things that people I actually know say or don’t say. My daughter will be twenty years old this year. She still has to do trauma therapy and still struggles with her physical body due to this shooting. She has post traumatic stress disorder, that happens pretty regularly without the reminder of a brand new high school shooting happening again in ‘murica. When is a good time to discuss laws and gun control? When does that work out for everyone’s opinions?

I am so angry that nothing happens to stop these shootings immediately. No laws of any kind are addressed. Thoughts and prayers. There is real solutions. There are many reasons why these shootings happen. It is understandable to want to talk to about issues in our society; mental health, extreme violence in men, lack of parenting, genetics and childhood trauma when these shootings occur. When you are the parent or child who has experienced a school shooting,  you want answers. Real tangible answers that take guns out of the hands of people with any of the above issues. All of the issues are important and laws need to help find solutions to help these people. We also need gun control laws. You and I don’t need an AR-15 EVER!

I wonder why I feel crazy asking for gun control? Laws change lives. We have to be political, we have to know who currently is in office taking money from the NRA to vote them out and be active. I will tell you it’s the Republican Party to the tune of $5,900,000.00 in 2016. The Democratic Party is at $107,000.00 for 2016. Source; Politico magazine. Numbers don’t lie. Nothing will ever change, more children will die at the hands of gun violence if the people running our country are purchased by the National Rifle Association. My personal state; Colorado Republican senator Cory Gardner is one of the most lined pockets out there from the NRA, he is also the first one to say, “mental health is the issue!” I would like to bring up the fact that laws don’t change around mental health either with that being said as a response. As a state we have experienced Columbine, the Aurora movie shooter and my daughter’s Arapahoe high school shooting. ENOUGH!

It is so disheartening to know this is these shootings will to happen again. No gun law changes, no talk of gun law changes.  It seems in ‘murica, unless it’s happening personally to you, it doesn’t seem to matter. The amount of children’s faces on our screens dead from gun violence does not faze people. Empathy is a lost emotion. We can scream at each other why these shootings happen or we can make laws to take guns that are so easily accessible out of hands that will pull the trigger without thought and with warnings ignored. It’s actually really cut and dry. Other countries seem to understand that, they pass gun laws and don’t experience gun violence. It is maddening!

love, parenting

A mother’s story of love

Do you have fear about how your child will turn out? As a strong willed person myself, I gave birth to a child, that is strong willed with wings. She was my first child so I had no comparison of personalities until my other two children arrived. I really wasn’t that freaked out when she was little, I bought and own every ‘ your strong willed child ‘book available to help me and she was developmentally ahead and ready for school at 4 years old, I didn’t think that was odd, considering my disposition and her bad behavior thankfully stayed at home, most of the problems were with me. There were years I seriously didn’t think she would live through, in her late teens. So many sleepless nights.  I give her credit for my grey hair and the bags that seem to get darker under my eyes from lack of sleep and worry over the years.

She gave birth in August and became this stellar mom. It was jaw dropping to watch her transform into this responsible, loving mom. Her natural protection for her daughter and this instinctual ability to calm and nurture her little one was the most amazing thing I have ever seen.  I was fortunate to be a big part of copeland’s first six months of life when they lived with me. I am so attached as a Gma, I literally feel withdrawal if I don’t see her at least once a week. She is a single mom supporting copeland on her own and refuses to use the welfare system, for her own desire to provide for Copeland, I find that admirable, it is incredibly challenging at times for her to do this.  She and I talk daily and the wisdom at such a young age comes pouring out of her mouth, I definitely was not that self aware at 22. All the hard work, fights, counseling, prayers and unconditional love payed off. My dad once told me, “never give up on your kid.” He can say that with experience,  I was a total nightmare myself growing up. It is the best gift I have ever received ,to watch this process and growth in her,she has choosen to use the tools she learned in counseling and applies them to her daily life. She also is a voracious reader where she also finds and applies knowledge from.

We went grocery shopping together recently,  I am used to seeing my daughter buy and live on processed and fast food, normal for a young person, but left me reeling inside because I am such a health nut. Whenever I would juice she would reject it and she would eat at home as least as possible so she would not have to eat chicken, she hated chicken, or vegetables. So you can imagine my internal jumping for joy when she started filling the cart with fresh fruit, vegetables, herbs, meats and things that actually benefits your body. She had made a menu for the week and was actually meal planning. I recently made one of her creations with turkey sausage and peppers.  Mother’s day she made steak street tacos, seriously amazing! Through osmosis this happened! I guess the moral of the story is our kids learn from us even when it looks and acts like they are not.

So if you are parenting a strong willed child right now in the midst of a lot of despair and turmoil, hold on! That strong will turned into purpose is worth every thing you are going through and have gone through. I have no doubt that life will be amazing for these two! Love is always where it’s at.

Namaste ♡