addiction, astrology, consciousness, evolving, grief, healing, love, suicide survivor

Full moon in Scorpio, what needs to die to live?

This morning I awoke at 4:20 a.m. to do some moon-bathing. It was mind blowing to see the sun come up with the full moon together in the sky this morning. The energy we receive from the moon is different than the energy we receive from the sun and without risk of overexposure. The moon is energizing. The full moon in Scorpio is here to clean emotions and renew vision.

Scorpio is a water sign and water deals with our emotions. Scorpio is the sign of death and rebirth. The symbol is a scorpion but it also a bald eagle for its ability to see clearly through a situation instinctually. Scorpio helps us see what needs to die emotionally to give life. Scorpio is the still, deep waters of intuition in the water signs.

Under this full moon like retrogrades we use this time to heal and be aware of what needs to die or be realized emotionally to live fully in the next phase. I immediately felt my father this morning as I was outside where my dad lives. He was always outdoors by a homemade fire at home, even when not camping, backpacking or sleeping under the stars. Every time I’ve seen him after his death it’s outside under a tree. His suicide or death-day is almost here May 6, four years ago. This morning I realized there is still pain there. It is a different pain than what I have experienced already, more of a release I believe. More of a desire to have closure. To honor my dad for the amazing things he taught me and forgiveness for what he did taking his life from so many people that loved him. However I am truly realizing in his pain he was unable to see his value. That is where I can release him is that he is free. Sometimes we go through hardship to grow beyond what we would if we didn’t experience that hardship.

Suicide is a bitch slap. You are not ready. You aren’t prepared and it is very different than natural death or someone passing with illness. It takes you through cycles of grief it feels endlessly. I love him and am thankful for his teachings with nature. I miss him. I feel like I’m moving into acceptance in the grief cycle. Acceptance is the desire as we climb the grief ladder and the last stage.

This pink Scorpio moon really is here to heal. You have tonight as an opportunity to bathe or take walks, sleep under this full moon. I will sleep under it tonight if the wind ceases. It recharges us and heals us if we are open and allow it to.

Namaste 🙏🏻🌕

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consciousness, evolving, love

Consciousness

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Living in low consciousness is really a bummer and the world is out of control, lost. Our news is the most horrific dream playing a reel 24-7 of everything fucked up six ways to Sunday. Is it to control us? Is it to put fear in is? There are good things happening in the world too. Is there worse more than good? It seems that way, looking at our t.v., our computer screens, our phones. We also personally live through traumas and hell. It is why I seek higher consciousness living and reality. It is a path to seek reality beyond earthly circumstances and earthly desires. Our society has messages that are toxic to us, especially females. Goals to live in extreme materialism despite consequences.

The light is desperate to live. It is our perspectives. Even in the darkest hours and times, what gets us through that moment? If it’s a destination, what happens when you get there? The light show us the wrongs of the world to fix or have resolution, not to fear and not want to leave our homes or change. The light does not want us to be separate. We need each other but light and dark have conflict. We are in these times.

Don’t you want to be okay no matter what? I’ve had plenty and I have had scarcity. I will tell you I feel apathetic in plenty. When the E light is on and nothing is in sight of changing that, I am not apathetic. It is through my E light being on, magic has happened in my life and provision has come from nowhere. I seek desperately when I am on E. To me we are aware of the magic when we are on E. We are aware or awake to see this perspective. There is absolute magic in optimism. It’s the law of attraction. If you think you will be fucked or you think you will be great, you are right. The beginning of all truth lives in gratitude. How can you be grateful if you haven’t suffered?

We watch on social media the lives of actors who are super successful, who came from the depths of hell in their upbringing. How does this happen over and over? Optimism and the inner strength to endure challenges in this life. When we struggle we teach ourselves inner strength. We rise internally. We understand circumstances is just that. Everything is always changing including our circumstances. Personally the worst thing I have ever done is stay in a toxic marriage to a man with narcissistic personality disorder because I was so scared of change for 18 years. 90% of people would rather die than make changes. It turned out to be the most freeing experience and it taught me a lot about my father who took his life 4 years ago, and what his example was to me as a man, it gave me understanding to why I sought such men.

When we decide we are worth more we change what we will put up with. When we decide that the person or job we are involved with is hurting us worse than we hurt ourselves, we change. It takes courage to give up security of material wealth built in that relationship. It is why many don’t leave. To me money is not what I am looking for. It is a means I have to have to survive but I live for the passion burning inside me. Like writing, hair coloring, painting. I am going to makeup school in the fall to learn body painting. I have done hair 26 years because it’s not a job to me, it’s an outlet of creativity, making people feel beautiful and it’s being around humans I have formed deep relationships with over years.

Worshiping money is the worst lie on earth currently. Money comes from passions being lived and lucrative creative ideas flowing out of passions. It’s about finding a job for the long haul, kind of like dating. Saying no when the intuition is screaming out to be heard. We don’t always see why something is wrong but we have built in protection with intuition. It’s an unseen energy reaction to the person or environment. Yep, we might have to budget some ramen meals because of a choice to live this way but long term it won’t be that way. When we wait for the right job or person it’s worth it in the long run. We don’t sacrifice our peace, identity, and self respect, self love.

Most spiritual awakenings happen to people out of trauma, desperation, drug use that alters the conscious and trials in this life. It’s the greatest thing that’s happened to me because I know through each trial I am learning something I need to learn. It’s not a punishment it’s a lesson. That is a perspective. It’s a perspective of optimism and being deliberate in my intentions moving forward in what I am really seeking. It’s a trust of being authentic with my higher self. I also know living in ego sucks. Spiritual awakenings are really about loss of ego. Operating out of motives that don’t serve self or others. It becomes about spreading the good news that there is a path to higher self, subconscious truths and passions that are lived out, without fear of provision even when it doesn’t look that way. It’s a different dimension of living. It’s here in real time. I know because I am personally on E and seeking like crazy knowing it’s going to come together, not just to support me financially but to fulfill me as a whole person. I know because I live it over and over and become deeper and deeper in love with seeking the truth and my higher self.

Namaste🙏🏻

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grief, healing, love, parenting

Rage against the machine

It’s the middle of the night, I awake again to a nightmare. My body is soaked in sweat and my anger has no solace. It has taken me four days since the current mass high school shooting in Florida to be able to write this.

I am the mom of a child who survived a high school shooting in 2013 in Littleton, Colorado. Every time there is a high school shooting this happens to me, I awake in nightmares and the day that shooting happened to my daughter goes on replay for me. I get to re exeperiance the fear and helplessness. I had to deactivate my Facebook account because I cannot maintain my personal sanity and see the things that people I actually know say or don’t say. My daughter will be twenty years old this year. She still has to do trauma therapy and still struggles with her physical body due to this shooting. She has post traumatic stress disorder, that happens pretty regularly without the reminder of a brand new high school shooting happening again in ‘murica. When is a good time to discuss laws and gun control? When does that work out for everyone’s opinions?

I am so angry that nothing happens to stop these shootings immediately. No laws of any kind are addressed. Thoughts and prayers. There is real solutions. There are many reasons why these shootings happen. It is understandable to want to talk to about issues in our society; mental health, extreme violence in men, lack of parenting, genetics and childhood trauma when these shootings occur. When you are the parent or child who has experienced a school shooting,  you want answers. Real tangible answers that take guns out of the hands of people with any of the above issues. All of the issues are important and laws need to help find solutions to help these people. We also need gun control laws. You and I don’t need an AR-15 EVER!

I wonder why I feel crazy asking for gun control? Laws change lives. We have to be political, we have to know who currently is in office taking money from the NRA to vote them out and be active. I will tell you it’s the Republican Party to the tune of $5,900,000.00 in 2016. The Democratic Party is at $107,000.00 for 2016. Source; Politico magazine. Numbers don’t lie. Nothing will ever change, more children will die at the hands of gun violence if the people running our country are purchased by the National Rifle Association. My personal state; Colorado Republican senator Cory Gardner is one of the most lined pockets out there from the NRA, he is also the first one to say, “mental health is the issue!” I would like to bring up the fact that laws don’t change around mental health either with that being said as a response. As a state we have experienced Columbine, the Aurora movie shooter and my daughter’s Arapahoe high school shooting. ENOUGH!

It is so disheartening to know this is these shootings will to happen again. No gun law changes, no talk of gun law changes.  It seems in ‘murica, unless it’s happening personally to you, it doesn’t seem to matter. The amount of children’s faces on our screens dead from gun violence does not faze people. Empathy is a lost emotion. We can scream at each other why these shootings happen or we can make laws to take guns that are so easily accessible out of hands that will pull the trigger without thought and with warnings ignored. It’s actually really cut and dry. Other countries seem to understand that, they pass gun laws and don’t experience gun violence. It is maddening!

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healing, love, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

Shameless

I am not ashamed of suicide, it took the life of my greatest support and example, my father. It is because of shame, people who struggle with suicide don’t get the support they need or the family members experiencing suicide don’t either. It is a veil of blackness we must remove around suicide.

I am not ashamed of mental illness, it has had ravaging affects on my family members, it is no different than having a physical disease, it’s in the mind. Shame stops people from seeking help or even having an open conversation about the mind not working properly.

I am not ashamed to speak of rape in a culture that stopped punishing men for their crimes because their lives would be ruined and the women? She has to live in shame. No, we are going to talk about it, we are going to take shame out of it for females. Shame stops women from talking about rape, 1 out of 3 females this will happen too in their lives, shame stops them from reporting it and is ruining lives.

I am not ashamed to fight for equal rights. I am not ashamed to stand up for those who need protection when they can’t help themselves.

I am not ashamed of my openly gay son. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He is a glorious human with a heart of gold in his service toward others who are also gay and the homeless and the people in need from other places around the world.

I am not ashamed to have any of these conversations. It is the only way we can change how we are dealing with these issues by removing shame and secrecy. Shameless is an attitude of caring more about the person who is suffering than opinions of others or culture.

Join with me in having these conversations to remove shame. Shame is not a sustainable value, no matter where you apply that principle there is mass destruction.

Namaste 💕

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healing, love, suicide survivor

Awareness

So strange the sensation I feel, responding  to a instinctual urge,  the connectedness to it, it is a cord unbroken, a path that never ends. Nothing can block it. It felt that way today about writing. I felt that want and longing for my thoughts to appear on the screen in front of me.

I have been locked out of my WordPress account for a while. It was okay though because I didn’t have this burning feeling inside to write this summer. So I followed my desire to write this morning and went to log in and it remembered my password somehow. So here we are😊

So this burning going on in me is about living in Awareness. What does that mean, anyway? It’s a Viewpoint you allow yourself  to see how you are  reacting or responding to situations. Are we personalizing every negative person’s behavior we interact with? Maybe we do live like that, but don’t want to, It causes too much drama. So we are willing to look at or we are open to not living in a defensive state or wanting to see or be open to a different perspective about how to handle things differently.

Awareness does not mean perfection. Rome was not built in a day! Sometimes in my experience, it’s all in retrospect that I see things, not necessarily in that moment. If I am hormonal and going through pms,  I will be more loud, angry and vocal about things that are wrong in the world and all the injustices. But I do have awareness that shows me that, so if I don’t want to be psycho. I can do something about it. I am middle aged and starting through major hormone changes. Being middle aged is confusing because my mind is the same and operating better cognitively but my body is having more restrictions. Injuries from the past are now not so simple. It requires a lot more physical working out and yoga for me to maintain what I once took for granted physically . The bod is changing!

Awareness is a friend to your self. It’s the only way to change because we are aware we need too. It protects you because it allows a free viewpoint if you don’t judge your awareness. Intuition and awareness are connected. Typically no matter what situation we are in, we know we are safe or not, right away. Sketchy things are happening around us and our awareness is taking it all in and gives a shout out to our  intuition in the fight or flight response. We are so connected. The blockage is defending our positions instead of having awareness about how we really feel inside.

Being a Gemini is difficult, to say the least. I struggle with my own duality and who is in charge that day. I see every view point and both sides so making decisions is agonizing. I am aware though that this goes on and I have a say because I am aware of what part of myself I need to express. In my path I am learning not judge myself a lot from my mistakes. I try to learn and know that I am going to be human. I am done feeding the perfection. Perfection is ego based. That is a debilitating state to live that has no happiness. I can’t compare myself to anyone. I am me. I have my story you have yours.

We all have gifts that are unique and personal to who we are. So many people are living in their gifts , not aware that is what they are doing. Maybe not for a living but the passion that drives within you that you pursue. It’s the causes we have to help people. It’s the empathy for someone going through the same heartache you went through. It’s our humanity.

Awareness is changing my life and I am grateful for the connectedness I feel to my intuition. I get to spend time doing what my soul is longing for and  it feels exhilarating and hopeful, no matter the current personal battles or circumstances going on. We can only change what we are open to seeing and not defending the person you were in the past. Change is what is happening all the time, we can grow and change because that is natural. It is part of the life cycle.

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Namaste❤️

 

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love, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

The art of being creative

I write this in rainy, grey, cold weather. The weather that seems to want us to curl into a ball and stay in bed, drink warm tea, read books that take us somewhere else or watch a movie to escape into another place, where magic and happy endings live. However life demands that we go to work and carry on regardless of the weather. My point is just that, when we don’t feel creative we must keep creating. I  am a stylist as my career choice. I cannot express in words the emotional roller coaster of creative lulls in a 24 year time with that creative outlet.

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Being a creative person I have gone through the lulls of not being able to be creative. If I think about it, fear is one reason that happens. Negative emotions  are another reason. As I processed  through this thought, I realized something huge. Sometimes we are focusing only on one type of creative outlet. We can hit a lull in that outlet and feel obsessed almost trying to get back to that place of creativity where we felt free to create endlessly.

The thing about being a creative person, which I personally feel we are all creative as humans, is that we have many outlets to being creative. What I have thought about lately is that we don’t give as much power or vilidity to some of the outlets we have. Recently I was going through a creative lull and I decided to start coloring at night because it was so therapeutic for my brain to not ruminate on my creative lull and fixing it. Coloring is said to be as beneficial as meditation for your brain. Studies have shown that coloring helps addictions, for the brain to be able to focus on coloring. Finding colors that are soothing to look at and create dimension.

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I have written in this blog off and on for 2 years. Sometimes everyday and not for months. I have experienced the lulls of creativity and writing too. Again I think it was that thought that my creative focus had to be there and not feeling free to let it flow from somewhere else. It’s also emotions and to me when I feel free I can create.  It is again the thinking that we must create from that one place we are focusing on. Writing has always been a focus when I am struggling emotionally. It is the most therapeutic outlet I have found when I can’t cope emotionally. I also think as a human it is good to be vulnerable to people who are suffering similarly to help them know they are not alone. When my father took his life and I wrote my heart out. It helped people who also went through suicide. There is shame around suicide and I would like to help remove that label. It also helped me to cope and move on,I am very grateful for the gift of writing!

The point that I want to hold on and share is that when we experience creative lulls, we have other ways within us to create. We just have to recognize that the other outlets have just as much value. Creativity is done with our hands. Painting, photography, cooking, sewing, writing etc…. it is endless the outlets we have to create. I am obsessed with flowers and the colors that burst forth from them. They inspire me. I have spent time growing them and photographing them throughout my life. The sunrises are one of the things I look forward too more than anything in this life. I have photographed so many.  I have cooked a million meals for my 3 kids and fell in love with cooking! Again sometimes with great vigor and sometimes barely able to boil noodles. All of these outlets matter. Don’t let fear rule you in the creative lull, let it out somewhere else.

Namaste❤️

 

 

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grief, healing, love, suicide survivor

1 year 7 months and 1 day

 

 

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It’s been that long since my dad passed, It feels like an eternity. Suicide is sudden, there are no goobyes,hugs, kisses or apologies, reconciliation to be had. It’s just over.  It is his birthday today which is why I am writing this blog. He would have been 72 years old today. I know many people reading this have experienced the pain of their parents dying. It is not easy and the pain still feels very heavy for me. People tell me it will get easier as time goes on, I don’t think about my dad as much as I used too, but the pain is still there.

I sat this morning sobbing while my boyfriend held me, just missing my dad. The pangs in my heart feel like a sharp knife. The memories flood in of his loud but charming laughter and ability to be silly and take over a room full of people. As I spend time with my gbaby, I sometimes shock myself as it comes into awareness  that I am mimicking my dad as I play with her. He would with all his grand babies play on the floor with them and do gymnastics moves  and let them climb all over him. He loved them and would teach and interact with whatever activity was going on.

20150411_073124-1I hold on the good memories of my dad. The suicide has become less of a focus for me as time passes. I feel terrible I couldn’t do more for my dad or enough but I am relieved that he doesn’t have to suffer with depression anymore. He doesn’t have to battle through memories of Vietnam or night terrors that he would have to sedate himself with medication to sleep through the night. He is free. I hold on to the things he taught me which was being passionate, bold and having integrity about the things I believed in life. He made me strong and gave me life skills that are innumerous. He never treated me like a princess, I was taught as a girl to carry our own weight in life,literally when we would backpack we had to be able to carry our body weight. I would cry and throw a fit like a girl but my dad would not hear it. We did Ride The Rockies as a family and if you don’t think riding up a mountain pass on a bicycle  I wasn’t freaking out, I was. My dad would just ride beside me and tell me to keep going and that I was wasting my energy crying. I also played on the baseball team my dad coached. He was a semi professional baseball player. I laugh, as I remember him yelling at me from the sideline , “SHAUNA, slide into base.” I would yell back, “not in these jeans,DAD!” He never did understand my want to be fashionable. I fought him but I  realize now it was all for my benefit. Hind sight in always 20/20.

Today I honor my dad on his birthday for the amazing memories of the life we shared and all the traits he left behind in myself, my children and my grandchildren.

 

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