grief, healing, suicide survivor

The reading

I have been struggling with some deep depression. It feels very heavy to the core, it is unbearable at times. I am doing trauma therapy weekly trying to process emotionally my fathers suicide three years ago, I haven’t been the same, since.  My oldest daughter has really struggled with her grandpa’s suicide because he was like a dad to her,  as a single mom to her for 4 years he helped a lot with her and she was his” little-hotshot”. My father was my greatest supporter so his loss was huge to me in so many ways.

My daughter sought a psychic this week in her healing process, my dad came up a ton in her reading. The psychic asked about me several times in her reading and told her I needed to come to see her because of my dad. So I did.

Yesterday,  I had an appointment with this psychic. I was leary as I think you should be a bit at first or with a pyscic the first time, but I have a had a reading by someone else before and it was a positive experience that helped me move forward. I pulled up to her house with signs that pointed the way inside. I was greeted by her super furry, fawn colored, yapping dog at the door. I was concerned the dog was psychic too and barking because I was being read by it. A woman in her fifties, olive toned skin, darker hair, greying on the sides, intense hazel eyes and of Eastern Europe decent with a little bit of an accent greeted me and told me to sit down across from her at a wooden table. She had jars of oils on her wooden table she had prepared, her house was very clean and void of energies. She spoke slowly to me and explained all my choices I could have for my reading. I choose the most in depth reading which includes your palm and an entire tarot card reading. She handed me the cards to shuffle and put my energy on the cards, the deck was so worn. Many cards had torn edges. It spoke of her time with these cards and it made feel comfortable because she had probably done hundreds, if not thousands of readings with these cards.

She took the deck from me and started to lay them in a brick lay fashion, stacking them. She didn’t say a lot at first. She just kept laying the cards down in top of each other in the same fashion. She paused and grabbed my hand. She turned my palms upwards and said very sternly, ” you have a very long life but you bring yourself close to death too many times, the next time you attempt suicide you will be paralyzed, your children and their children will follow suite and suicide will live in your family forever.” She leaned into me and spoke into my eyes, ” you must break this curse!” That really scared the shit out of me!

She went back to brick laying and reading my cards and told me,”because my dad had committed suicide he is stuck here, he is confused and he is also trying to protect my daughter and I, his energy is toxic and he is angry and lonely for the past three years”. She told me, “my daughter and I have to help him pass on and lead him to the light because he was never supposed to commit suicide”. She said, “his energy of depression that lead him to suicide is so strong in me and has such a hold that I needed to cleanse myself, heal myself and help him move on to the next life.”

In order to do this, she gave me cleansing oils I need to apply nightly to sleep in for 14 days, I then will use love oil or reparative oil for another 14 days. These are oils prepared by her and prayed over specifically for these energies. As well I have to smudge my home with sage everywhere, leave the house with all the animals and return 30 minutes later to light a white candle and open doors and windows to help and encourage my dad move on.

It maybe sounds hokey to some but the truth of suicide is that it is sudden for everyone, including my dad. I have never considered my dad tortured and not passed on until this was pointed out. If this is what we need to do I am open because nothing has worked so far to get closure with his suicide.

I also belong to a suicide survivor support group called heartbeat, they have always recommended psychics to help with the passing of a loved one that has committed suicide. We actually at one group had a psychic that is local named Deb Shepherd who did a group reading. My dad didn’t come through at that group. It wasn’t something I put a lot of value into until now. I will let you know how this goes as I work through this process. It is imperative to stop this cycle of suicide and depression I my family and it will start with me!

Namaste💕🦄

 

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healing, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

Cycle

IMG_0081.JPGRecently I was shown this model that made perfect sense to me when it comes to the origin of emotional triggers. Within each of us we have a core belief system about ourselves, a truth we have come to know and many times we aren’t conscious of and can be detrimental to us if our core belief is negative about ourselves. Negative Core beliefs that no one cares, I don’t matter, I don’t have value, I am messed up, are a few examples.

When a trigger happens it is rooted from this core belief about ourselves that starts forming around age 2.  It doesn’t mean when we are going through a difficult situation that is triggering that it doesn’t hurt, the pain we are feeling is very validated and real. Many times we obsess about the person who caused this trigger instead of looking at the core belief we have about ourselves that was actually triggered by that person and the negative core belief being validated is where this pain is shooting from. It’s not to say or excuse someone from treating you poorly but the depths of pain  we are feeling are actually coming from is our negative core belief system being triggered in the situation we are in.

Why is this important? If we aren’t in awareness of our core beliefs about ourselves  and we become triggered it starts a process called build up. It starts the depression cycle of feeling victimized, anger, blaming, expecting the worst, not feeling hope that things will improve, isolation and avoidance becomes our best friend. It feels like time has stopped and we are stuck in this intensity of all these emotions and feel extremely victimized.

Left in that build up state for too long can lead us down the road to the act out phase where suicidal thoughts and maybe even follow through by attempting suicide,  feeling all these emotions without going back to the original source which is our negative core belief system.

We can also jump into pretending everything is normal, we feel fear and guilt when triggered,  this is the justification phase. That also comes from core beliefs and handling it through justification to those negative core beliefs.

We can change our negative core beliefs if we know what they are, how they got there. We can affirm a new positive core belief system that enables us to not be triggered by someone else and their choices. We can rid ourselves of this defeating message from the past, to see clearly and not become triggered by the negative core belief system but empowered by a new real time positive core belief system and validating our truth in who we are today.

Namaste💕🦄

 

 

 

 

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healing, love, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

Shameless

I am not ashamed of suicide, it took the life of my greatest support and example, my father. It is because of shame, people who struggle with suicide don’t get the support they need or the family members experiencing suicide don’t either. It is a veil of blackness we must remove around suicide.

I am not ashamed of mental illness, it has had ravaging affects on my family members, it is no different than having a physical disease, it’s in the mind. Shame stops people from seeking help or even having an open conversation about the mind not working properly.

I am not ashamed to speak of rape in a culture that stopped punishing men for their crimes because their lives would be ruined and the women? She has to live in shame. No, we are going to talk about it, we are going to take shame out of it for females. Shame stops women from talking about rape, 1 out of 3 females this will happen too in their lives, shame stops them from reporting it and is ruining lives.

I am not ashamed to fight for equal rights. I am not ashamed to stand up for those who need protection when they can’t help themselves.

I am not ashamed of my openly gay son. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He is a glorious human with a heart of gold in his service toward others who are also gay and the homeless and the people in need from other places around the world.

I am not ashamed to have any of these conversations. It is the only way we can change how we are dealing with these issues by removing shame and secrecy. Shameless is an attitude of caring more about the person who is suffering than opinions of others or culture.

Join with me in having these conversations to remove shame. Shame is not a sustainable value, no matter where you apply that principle there is mass destruction.

Namaste 💕

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healing, love, suicide survivor

Awareness

So strange the sensation I feel, responding  to a instinctual urge,  the connectedness to it, it is a cord unbroken, a path that never ends. Nothing can block it. It felt that way today about writing. I felt that want and longing for my thoughts to appear on the screen in front of me.

I have been locked out of my WordPress account for a while. It was okay though because I didn’t have this burning feeling inside to write this summer. So I followed my desire to write this morning and went to log in and it remembered my password somehow. So here we are😊

So this burning going on in me is about living in Awareness. What does that mean, anyway? It’s a Viewpoint you allow yourself  to see how you are  reacting or responding to situations. Are we personalizing every negative person’s behavior we interact with? Maybe we do live like that, but don’t want to, It causes too much drama. So we are willing to look at or we are open to not living in a defensive state or wanting to see or be open to a different perspective about how to handle things differently.

Awareness does not mean perfection. Rome was not built in a day! Sometimes in my experience, it’s all in retrospect that I see things, not necessarily in that moment. If I am hormonal and going through pms,  I will be more loud, angry and vocal about things that are wrong in the world and all the injustices. But I do have awareness that shows me that, so if I don’t want to be psycho. I can do something about it. I am middle aged and starting through major hormone changes. Being middle aged is confusing because my mind is the same and operating better cognitively but my body is having more restrictions. Injuries from the past are now not so simple. It requires a lot more physical working out and yoga for me to maintain what I once took for granted physically . The bod is changing!

Awareness is a friend to your self. It’s the only way to change because we are aware we need too. It protects you because it allows a free viewpoint if you don’t judge your awareness. Intuition and awareness are connected. Typically no matter what situation we are in, we know we are safe or not, right away. Sketchy things are happening around us and our awareness is taking it all in and gives a shout out to our  intuition in the fight or flight response. We are so connected. The blockage is defending our positions instead of having awareness about how we really feel inside.

Being a Gemini is difficult, to say the least. I struggle with my own duality and who is in charge that day. I see every view point and both sides so making decisions is agonizing. I am aware though that this goes on and I have a say because I am aware of what part of myself I need to express. In my path I am learning not judge myself a lot from my mistakes. I try to learn and know that I am going to be human. I am done feeding the perfection. Perfection is ego based. That is a debilitating state to live that has no happiness. I can’t compare myself to anyone. I am me. I have my story you have yours.

We all have gifts that are unique and personal to who we are. So many people are living in their gifts , not aware that is what they are doing. Maybe not for a living but the passion that drives within you that you pursue. It’s the causes we have to help people. It’s the empathy for someone going through the same heartache you went through. It’s our humanity.

Awareness is changing my life and I am grateful for the connectedness I feel to my intuition. I get to spend time doing what my soul is longing for and  it feels exhilarating and hopeful, no matter the current personal battles or circumstances going on. We can only change what we are open to seeing and not defending the person you were in the past. Change is what is happening all the time, we can grow and change because that is natural. It is part of the life cycle.

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Namaste❤️

 

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grief, healing, love, suicide survivor

1 year 7 months and 1 day

 

 

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It’s been that long since my dad passed, It feels like an eternity. Suicide is sudden, there are no goobyes,hugs, kisses or apologies, reconciliation to be had. It’s just over.  It is his birthday today which is why I am writing this blog. He would have been 72 years old today. I know many people reading this have experienced the pain of their parents dying. It is not easy and the pain still feels very heavy for me. People tell me it will get easier as time goes on, I don’t think about my dad as much as I used too, but the pain is still there.

I sat this morning sobbing while my boyfriend held me, just missing my dad. The pangs in my heart feel like a sharp knife. The memories flood in of his loud but charming laughter and ability to be silly and take over a room full of people. As I spend time with my gbaby, I sometimes shock myself as it comes into awareness  that I am mimicking my dad as I play with her. He would with all his grand babies play on the floor with them and do gymnastics moves  and let them climb all over him. He loved them and would teach and interact with whatever activity was going on.

20150411_073124-1I hold on the good memories of my dad. The suicide has become less of a focus for me as time passes. I feel terrible I couldn’t do more for my dad or enough but I am relieved that he doesn’t have to suffer with depression anymore. He doesn’t have to battle through memories of Vietnam or night terrors that he would have to sedate himself with medication to sleep through the night. He is free. I hold on to the things he taught me which was being passionate, bold and having integrity about the things I believed in life. He made me strong and gave me life skills that are innumerous. He never treated me like a princess, I was taught as a girl to carry our own weight in life,literally when we would backpack we had to be able to carry our body weight. I would cry and throw a fit like a girl but my dad would not hear it. We did Ride The Rockies as a family and if you don’t think riding up a mountain pass on a bicycle  I wasn’t freaking out, I was. My dad would just ride beside me and tell me to keep going and that I was wasting my energy crying. I also played on the baseball team my dad coached. He was a semi professional baseball player. I laugh, as I remember him yelling at me from the sideline , “SHAUNA, slide into base.” I would yell back, “not in these jeans,DAD!” He never did understand my want to be fashionable. I fought him but I  realize now it was all for my benefit. Hind sight in always 20/20.

Today I honor my dad on his birthday for the amazing memories of the life we shared and all the traits he left behind in myself, my children and my grandchildren.

 

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flower, friendship, healing, suicide survivor

It hits the spot

I hear my dad’s booming voice, ” That hit the spot”, after eating a meal my mother had prepared for us, rubbing his protruding beer belly in satisfaction. Now that my dad is gone in person, my memory echoes these events that embedded the value of food and the ability for it to somehow fill something inside of us.

Yesterday, I visited my friend who found himself in a hospital after he was hit on his motorcycle, Friday afternoon. He has several broken ribs and his collarbone is broken and he has some head fractures but he will thankfully heal. I was thinking to myself, what do I bring to him to make him feel better? Hospital food is the worst, most of the time they have you so drugged up, candy is the most amazing thing you have ever tasted. I called him and asked him what he felt like eating because I have so much empathy for people who feel like shit and have to eat bad food. He said he trusted me to get him something awesome and healthy. I decided to go to whole foods, it reminds me of living in Europe and having fresh flowers,fruit, meat/fish, deli,bakery and fresh foods not in the open air but in one building. They have a juice bar so I got him a green juice with kale,apple, ginger and spinach with a shot of spirulina, which is the greatest superfood ever for immune support. Their salad bar is the most amazing thing ever so I got him that with a croissant and cream cheese that is made with half cow, half goat cheese and a chocolate bar. They carry the most amazing flowers and have mini bouquets that are really awesome so I got him one of those too. It is a custom in Europe when you visit a friend you bring wine or fresh flowers or food.

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As I was walking out of the hospital I was thinking of my dad and how these little things we do to affect others ,hits the spot.  Life isn’t worth living to me if I don’t feel like I am giving back to the universe . Last night my friend texted me and said, “Everything you brought today was right on point for flavor. none has ever done that before. I am amazed and thankful. Please know you can bring me food anytime.” That is such a great feeling to know you made someones day better. He is a great friend to me too, when I found myself in a dark place last fall he came and helped me with my business, home and gave me some words of comfort during that time. It is the little things in life. Food being the catalyst; it hits the spot of friendship, connection and empathy of being a human.

There are many days I spend after my dad took his life over a year ago, in thought of all things he taught me, I wish I could tell him. I recently went to a funeral and my father was mentioned there, he affected people and me positively. I just wish he knew the impact he had on other people. That is the bummer of death. However, I think I am learning to just pass down what my dad taught me and let his legacy live that way and not in regret of my unspoken words.

Namaste

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healing

Termination

I sat across from my therapist as he explained the process, he called it termination in psychology terms. He said, ” I don’t like terms as they label but that what it’s called, it means you have changed your thought processes and reactions for six months, the daily practice of meditation, breathing, living in the moment and really changing how you react to people, is the amount of time it takes the brain to process differently and change your responses”. I used to personalize way too much which caused me to feel and want to be defensive. That was exhausting and draining to live with on a daily basis.  Really hearing my voice and spending tons of time alone meditating and doing yoga, feeling my intuitive abilities has been mind blowing to help process heavy emotions and work through things I need too. I prioritized with my therapist to practice this daily to be able to change the way I processed and thought.

I have never felt this visually creative and connected to my work since I can remember but what I notice is that I feel happy. I haven’t felt happy in years and there is such a spark to creativity feeling happy and at peace. My life is hysterically imperfect but how  I respond is the only thing I have control over. I have so learned that Weither I loose my mind or not is my choice. I have been the queen of going through a stressful situation and making it ten times worse because I am not trusting and have great fear and look and sound like a howler monkey dying. We are human,I learned to quit judging myself and thoughts so much, I have to laugh at myself. That or cry. I have cried and been unhappy for a long time. I believe happiness is a choice. It comes from being grateful because when we are grateful we are able to see the good, if the NEGATIVE isn’t highlighted and underlined. There are always good things that happen on our shittiest of days, if we open to seeing them.  I am learning that I am loved and I can receive that now. I do not hate myself anymore and have accepted myself the good, bad, ugly, all of it. I truly have realized I am taken care of by a power greater than me but lives in me always and has, I just received it completely by trusting, not being driven by guilt or fear, but love. It is the greatest most freeing thing I have ever experienced, which is to accept myself, I notice I can accept other people and live in a moment and just be there, in a conversation, at lunch etc. To have control over my overactive brain of anxiety, worry, fear and control my whole life and to experience silence, love and peace is life changing.  I am so grateful!

Namaste♡images

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