addiction, binaural beats, consciousness, evolving, healing

Epiphany

The dictionary definition of  Epiphany has multiple meanings. The definition I am talking about is, ” a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something.” This morning when I awoke, I decided to do something different than my usual consuming unending amounts of caffeine, cigarettes and reading the first thing in the morning . I am sick of it, I feel so trapped. I was thinking do something different, use the information you have. Smoking cigarettes is the bane of my existence. It is an uphill battle I have fought since 15 years old. I quit every year for 90 days, then something happens in life that feels overwhelming or I feel better physically because I am not smoking and return to it. Smoking cigarettes is the quickest way to deliver dopamine. It is faster than eating. I am aware this is why I am locked in this cycle.

In November 2017, I quit smoking again. I did it with nicotine gum and patches which I have done several times in the past too. Quitting cold turkey I experience a longer quit time but the shock of just quitting is so miserable for me and everyone around me. I started smoking again the end of February while visiting Europe where everyone smokes, I probably should too. I did not attempt to quit upon returning home because of the big move I was making the end of March from my birth state to Nevada. I also have brought up with counselors I have worked with on quitting smoking but their advice is usually not to quit till I get through something. Let me tell you I am always going through something or my kids are, that I can always justify smoking again. This morning I decided to listen to binaural beats for quitting smoking. I have been listening to binaural beats when I have been meditating or when I’m writing for creativity. I understand that these beats are interacting with my brain waves to help create what I am looking for. I looked at the clock this morning when I had my first cigarette, I told myself to not have one for an hour. I read online about a meditation I can use while listening to these binaural beats to quit smoking. The meditation was to focus on what chakra center the desire to smoke is coming from, I identified the heart chakra as the center of my desire. I know the heart chakra is about my identity. while listening to these sounds on my earphones, thoughts of my 15 year old self came up. The rebellious one, the poet, the depressed teenager came into my view.

As I sat outside and listened to these beats  meditating, I found myself breaking down in total tears streaming down my face. I was thinking of how I parent my children when they are struggling. I was thinking of my friend who came to tell me of his opioid addiction. I was thinking of how different I treat other people suffering than how I would treat myself. I know if my child was struggling I would not beat them up nor my friend who needs support. In this meditation I could see my past failed attempts to quit, I was able to see the judgement I have used with myself. Fear was actually the motive for quitting. The problem with using fear as a motivation is, it never sticks. I was also able to see how I replaced the cigarette addiction with food. It’s a vicious circle. So when I saw my rebellious inner child full of depression today meditating, I reached out to her and told her I would help her grow up. I am going to use the same support I would give my children or my friend who was suffering by offering solutions, being there to cheerlead, coming up with a plan. Instead of judging myself, condemning or trying to substitute.

In my attempts to quit smoking  in the past I did cry a lot, out of pure misery. I did not feel connected to this inner girl though ever in those tears. It was just a mission I was on with my will and fear. I decided if I have to listen to these beats non stop, I will. I will only allow myself so many cigarettes a day, which I have never done but that friend who was struggling with opioids did this and has been successful to wean himself off and stay off.  I am going to heal and empower that little girl inside who feels so broken and helpless. We hear information about healing our inner child. To see her and reach out to her was quite mind blowing. Truly saving yourself because you can parent that girl and rid the messages that lock her into defeat. Our heart chakra is our identity, I think it’s empowering to ask, “who am I?” I don’t want to be this helpless girl I beat up. I don’t want to go through another failed attempt. I think it’s vital to understand ourselves if we are wanting change in our lives. I think it’s important to do something different instead of thinking the same and doing the same but wanting a different result. That is the definition of insanity. I identify with that now.

I am taking into consideration the need to help my dopamine. I went for a walk this morning. I am going to take supplements to help and support my neurotransmitters in a different way. I know healthy food is the key to repairing my physical body. Smoking is a slow suicide. I think everyone who smokes knows that. I feel like I gave myself a reason to quit this morning in this epiphany of parenting myself in a loving way. I think it might be the first time I am “excited” to quit but more than that I feel I found the root of my problem.

Namaste🙏🏻

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consciousness, education for the mind, accessing the subconcious,, evolving, grief, healing, suicide survivor

Deathday year 4

My dad took his life four years ago today, I thought it was yesterday but I realized it came into my consciousness to start the emotional unwrapping I need to process for this year. . This year I feel sad but I don’t feel the other emotions tied to his suicide I have felt in years past. Like anger. I have been angry at him for not meeting my granddaughter, committing suicide in the hell year 2014 my family was in. There is so much underneath anger. In my experience with anger, it felt like a protective emotion. I felt pretty ruled by the feelings of anger and hopelessness. I talked to my dad all the time, I told him my woes which was a lot in 2014, he was helpful when he wasn’t depressed. The day before his suicide I spoke to him. Of course that conversion echoes in my mind. He told me he was depressed and that he didn’t understand his purpose for living. That was really normal for him to say that. He struggled big time with depression, he was on meds and institutionalized off and on in the V.A. my entire life. He had several attempted suicides too. He was going back on meds because he was so depressed, he had an appointment the day after his suicide. In my mind having our last conversation, I knew his circular patterns and I thought he would start his meds and start to feel better. Not this time.

Last year in March, I started EMDR trauma therapy. That was the most healing eight months I have had around his suicide and other trauma I experienced with him in my life. It helped me understand our relationship. It helped me understand some of the emotions I struggled with around his suicide.

My dad was my savior and abuser. He taught me so many amazing, valid, helpful ways to navigate through life. He gave me opportunities with nature and the love of the outdoors. We biked, hiked, backpacked, canoed, ran, downhill skied, cross country skied all over the Rocky Mountains. He was there for me, my number one support system. He also taught me codependency in his need to control because he was a lieutenant. If I didn’t do what he said, something bad would happen like his soldiers. It was his unresolved issues with Vietnam I came to understand. He also was my example as a man, which lead to the men and friendships I choose . I am so grateful for EMDR therapy. It changed my life! By understanding the messages I received through the trauma, I was able to navigate through the emotions that were stumbling blocks and change those messages.

EMDR trauma therapy is developed to help the mind reprocess trauma. We have information coming at us all day, our subconscious is able to process unneeded information in the moment. When we experience trauma it is too much overload on the subconscious and we experience trauma in our bodies and do not process the trauma, we get locked in the negative messages we receive in trauma. This therapy is done holding sensors that are vibrating communicating with both sides of the brain to go back to the trauma and reprocess it without the body responding or holding on to the negative emotion. It helps us to see the messages we received in those traumas, giving the negative emotions names and meanings. Then you go back in and tell yourself your new truths and their meanings. It also helps with ptsd. When I met my guy if he came near me sleeping I would punch him. Thankfully we worked through that. My nerve system was reactive and sensitive due to this trauma of suicide but also other trauma I went through in 2014.

Loosing a support system you have had your whole life is difficult, especially in suicide which is instant. There is no time to prepare or think about their loss, it’s just over. It has been my catalyst for being my own support system. It helped me learn to meditate and go inside to hear because I am able, not because dad said so, not because I’m angry, I can trust myself. I don’t need to be controlled by anyone but me. When you are raised very controlled it instills a message, I am not able, I need to be controlled, I need someone’s else’s opinion. Being able to hear myself, seek my higher self and hear my intuition through meditation, yoga, intentions and to be able to trust me, it is the most freeing, empowering experience I have ever had.

It’s really beautiful to feel at peace today even in my sadness. Today I am grateful for the birds I hear singing, the running water from my pool. I miss my dad, I miss the good times, his interaction with my kids, his silliness, his generosity. I do not miss the explosive, angry, terrifying human he could be. I had to accept the reality of the duality of him. I don’t have to interact with my dad’s violence, depression, anger and all the consequences he had because of those unresolved emotions in him. It is so much easier to remember the good things in him because I am not interacting with the negative. And now I know it’s okay to feel that way. It’s the road to acceptance in suicide for me.

Namaste🙏🏻

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addiction, consciousness, evolving, friendship, healing

Friend or Foe?

When we decide to consciously evolve in our lives many times that means friendships end. Sometimes you drift apart, other times it’s an ugly dramatic ending. I am realizing that they weren’t even friendships then or what I want in qualities of friends in this time in my life, anyways. They were formed when I was young and out of the dysfunction of my family of origin. They are connections from the past formed in a place and time I no longer live in physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally. When I was young I was quiet, I let people pick on me and a people pleaser. I didn’t understand boundaries or how to be healthy. When we change it doesn’t mean others do. Physically aging happens to all humans, maturing or evolving does not.

There is this thing about being friends because of time in our society and how long we have been friends. In my growth I realize time means nothing. Friendships are built in the now, on time spent together, trust, honesty and loyalty. If your friend betrayed you but you keep the title of friendship because of time, is that a friend? Not in my book anymore.

Being middle aged is a trip. There are so many people locked in addictions and dysfunctions. When we are young it’s normal to party, we don’t see the future at that point and we all think we will grow out of it. For many the party never ends. The party becomes a middle aged hell of addiction. The problem with that is that when people are actively using they don’t have control, the substance does. How can you trust your “friend”, when they aren’t in control? It’s very sad to watch the train wreck and deal with all the behaviors of their out of control lives, they refuse to acknowledge or change. They also want you on the roller coaster with them because of time. Somehow you owe them? You don’t. That’s the narcissism of addiction and the outlook of that person that everyone owes them. “You are here for me”, says the addict. It’s also looking at your watch when you want to call to see if they will be sober or not. That feels like parenting at this point in my life, not friendship. When they are raging at you in their substance abuse, do they even remember or do they just act like it didn’t happen? Ugh! No thanks!

Let’s talk about competition, I am so over and past “friends ” who want to compete with me. They want to sleep with my current guy or have slept with my exes. They want my life because of the work I’ve invested on myself to grow out of things they are stuck in, if they can’t have my life they want to be a sidekick. No way. I understand this is not friendship, it’s the anti of that definition. It is such an immature outlook to compete. I truly would rather spend time alone than in these relationships. We are all different in our gifts to the world. Competition does not honor that. What is developmentally normal in high school is not in middle age but many still live this way. If your circle of friends isn’t celebrating loudly and supporting your good news but competing, get a new circle!

One of my counselors worked with me on the issue of , I couldn’t care for myself if I was caring about the other person more. It’s true. It’s also true no matter how much love I give it doesn’t mean it will change anything or anyone. People change because they are ready and willing to either voluntarily or because of consequences.

I believe it’s really normal to outgrow relationships if you are working on creating a higher consciousness. It’s okay. It happens in marriages and intimate relationships all the time. It also happens in friendships. It’s also freeing to know you have a high standard, the things that were once okay in your “friendships”, are not anymore because you love yourself to much to get hurt in those ways.

Namaste🙏🏻

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addiction, astrology, consciousness, evolving, grief, healing, love, suicide survivor

Full moon in Scorpio, what needs to die to live?

This morning I awoke at 4:20 a.m. to do some moon-bathing. It was mind blowing to see the sun come up with the full moon together in the sky this morning. The energy we receive from the moon is different than the energy we receive from the sun and without risk of overexposure. The moon is energizing. The full moon in Scorpio is here to clean emotions and renew vision.

Scorpio is a water sign and water deals with our emotions. Scorpio is the sign of death and rebirth. The symbol is a scorpion but it also a bald eagle for its ability to see clearly through a situation instinctually. Scorpio helps us see what needs to die emotionally to give life. Scorpio is the still, deep waters of intuition in the water signs.

Under this full moon like retrogrades we use this time to heal and be aware of what needs to die or be realized emotionally to live fully in the next phase. I immediately felt my father this morning as I was outside where my dad lives. He was always outdoors by a homemade fire at home, even when not camping, backpacking or sleeping under the stars. Every time I’ve seen him after his death it’s outside under a tree. His suicide or death-day is almost here May 6, four years ago. This morning I realized there is still pain there. It is a different pain than what I have experienced already, more of a release I believe. More of a desire to have closure. To honor my dad for the amazing things he taught me and forgiveness for what he did taking his life from so many people that loved him. However I am truly realizing in his pain he was unable to see his value. That is where I can release him is that he is free. Sometimes we go through hardship to grow beyond what we would if we didn’t experience that hardship.

Suicide is a bitch slap. You are not ready. You aren’t prepared and it is very different than natural death or someone passing with illness. It takes you through cycles of grief it feels endlessly. I love him and am thankful for his teachings with nature. I miss him. I feel like I’m moving into acceptance in the grief cycle. Acceptance is the desire as we climb the grief ladder and the last stage.

This pink Scorpio moon really is here to heal. You have tonight as an opportunity to bathe or take walks, sleep under this full moon. I will sleep under it tonight if the wind ceases. It recharges us and heals us if we are open and allow it to.

Namaste 🙏🏻🌕

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grief, healing, love, parenting

Rage against the machine

It’s the middle of the night, I awake again to a nightmare. My body is soaked in sweat and my anger has no solace. It has taken me four days since the current mass high school shooting in Florida to be able to write this.

I am the mom of a child who survived a high school shooting in 2013 in Littleton, Colorado. Every time there is a high school shooting this happens to me, I awake in nightmares and the day that shooting happened to my daughter goes on replay for me. I get to re exeperiance the fear and helplessness. I had to deactivate my Facebook account because I cannot maintain my personal sanity and see the things that people I actually know say or don’t say. My daughter will be twenty years old this year. She still has to do trauma therapy and still struggles with her physical body due to this shooting. She has post traumatic stress disorder, that happens pretty regularly without the reminder of a brand new high school shooting happening again in ‘murica. When is a good time to discuss laws and gun control? When does that work out for everyone’s opinions?

I am so angry that nothing happens to stop these shootings immediately. No laws of any kind are addressed. Thoughts and prayers. There is real solutions. There are many reasons why these shootings happen. It is understandable to want to talk to about issues in our society; mental health, extreme violence in men, lack of parenting, genetics and childhood trauma when these shootings occur. When you are the parent or child who has experienced a school shooting,  you want answers. Real tangible answers that take guns out of the hands of people with any of the above issues. All of the issues are important and laws need to help find solutions to help these people. We also need gun control laws. You and I don’t need an AR-15 EVER!

I wonder why I feel crazy asking for gun control? Laws change lives. We have to be political, we have to know who currently is in office taking money from the NRA to vote them out and be active. I will tell you it’s the Republican Party to the tune of $5,900,000.00 in 2016. The Democratic Party is at $107,000.00 for 2016. Source; Politico magazine. Numbers don’t lie. Nothing will ever change, more children will die at the hands of gun violence if the people running our country are purchased by the National Rifle Association. My personal state; Colorado Republican senator Cory Gardner is one of the most lined pockets out there from the NRA, he is also the first one to say, “mental health is the issue!” I would like to bring up the fact that laws don’t change around mental health either with that being said as a response. As a state we have experienced Columbine, the Aurora movie shooter and my daughter’s Arapahoe high school shooting. ENOUGH!

It is so disheartening to know this is these shootings will to happen again. No gun law changes, no talk of gun law changes.  It seems in ‘murica, unless it’s happening personally to you, it doesn’t seem to matter. The amount of children’s faces on our screens dead from gun violence does not faze people. Empathy is a lost emotion. We can scream at each other why these shootings happen or we can make laws to take guns that are so easily accessible out of hands that will pull the trigger without thought and with warnings ignored. It’s actually really cut and dry. Other countries seem to understand that, they pass gun laws and don’t experience gun violence. It is maddening!

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grief, healing, suicide survivor

The reading

I have been struggling with some deep depression. It feels very heavy to the core, it is unbearable at times. I am doing trauma therapy weekly trying to process emotionally my fathers suicide three years ago, I haven’t been the same, since.  My oldest daughter has really struggled with her grandpa’s suicide because he was like a dad to her,  as a single mom to her for 4 years he helped a lot with her and she was his” little-hotshot”. My father was my greatest supporter so his loss was huge to me in so many ways.

My daughter sought a psychic this week in her healing process, my dad came up a ton in her reading. The psychic asked about me several times in her reading and told her I needed to come to see her because of my dad. So I did.

Yesterday,  I had an appointment with this psychic. I was leary as I think you should be a bit at first or with a pyscic the first time, but I have a had a reading by someone else before and it was a positive experience that helped me move forward. I pulled up to her house with signs that pointed the way inside. I was greeted by her super furry, fawn colored, yapping dog at the door. I was concerned the dog was psychic too and barking because I was being read by it. A woman in her fifties, olive toned skin, darker hair, greying on the sides, intense hazel eyes and of Eastern Europe decent with a little bit of an accent greeted me and told me to sit down across from her at a wooden table. She had jars of oils on her wooden table she had prepared, her house was very clean and void of energies. She spoke slowly to me and explained all my choices I could have for my reading. I choose the most in depth reading which includes your palm and an entire tarot card reading. She handed me the cards to shuffle and put my energy on the cards, the deck was so worn. Many cards had torn edges. It spoke of her time with these cards and it made feel comfortable because she had probably done hundreds, if not thousands of readings with these cards.

She took the deck from me and started to lay them in a brick lay fashion, stacking them. She didn’t say a lot at first. She just kept laying the cards down in top of each other in the same fashion. She paused and grabbed my hand. She turned my palms upwards and said very sternly, ” you have a very long life but you bring yourself close to death too many times, the next time you attempt suicide you will be paralyzed, your children and their children will follow suite and suicide will live in your family forever.” She leaned into me and spoke into my eyes, ” you must break this curse!” That really scared the shit out of me!

She went back to brick laying and reading my cards and told me,”because my dad had committed suicide he is stuck here, he is confused and he is also trying to protect my daughter and I, his energy is toxic and he is angry and lonely for the past three years”. She told me, “my daughter and I have to help him pass on and lead him to the light because he was never supposed to commit suicide”. She said, “his energy of depression that lead him to suicide is so strong in me and has such a hold that I needed to cleanse myself, heal myself and help him move on to the next life.”

In order to do this, she gave me cleansing oils I need to apply nightly to sleep in for 14 days, I then will use love oil or reparative oil for another 14 days. These are oils prepared by her and prayed over specifically for these energies. As well I have to smudge my home with sage everywhere, leave the house with all the animals and return 30 minutes later to light a white candle and open doors and windows to help and encourage my dad move on.

It maybe sounds hokey to some but the truth of suicide is that it is sudden for everyone, including my dad. I have never considered my dad tortured and not passed on until this was pointed out. If this is what we need to do I am open because nothing has worked so far to get closure with his suicide.

I also belong to a suicide survivor support group called heartbeat, they have always recommended psychics to help with the passing of a loved one that has committed suicide. We actually at one group had a psychic that is local named Deb Shepherd who did a group reading. My dad didn’t come through at that group. It wasn’t something I put a lot of value into until now. I will let you know how this goes as I work through this process. It is imperative to stop this cycle of suicide and depression I my family and it will start with me!

Namaste💕🦄

 

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healing, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

Cycle

IMG_0081.JPGRecently I was shown this model that made perfect sense to me when it comes to the origin of emotional triggers. Within each of us we have a core belief system about ourselves, a truth we have come to know and many times we aren’t conscious of and can be detrimental to us if our core belief is negative about ourselves. Negative Core beliefs that no one cares, I don’t matter, I don’t have value, I am messed up, are a few examples.

When a trigger happens it is rooted from this core belief about ourselves that starts forming around age 2.  It doesn’t mean when we are going through a difficult situation that is triggering that it doesn’t hurt, the pain we are feeling is very validated and real. Many times we obsess about the person who caused this trigger instead of looking at the core belief we have about ourselves that was actually triggered by that person and the negative core belief being validated is where this pain is shooting from. It’s not to say or excuse someone from treating you poorly but the depths of pain  we are feeling are actually coming from is our negative core belief system being triggered in the situation we are in.

Why is this important? If we aren’t in awareness of our core beliefs about ourselves  and we become triggered it starts a process called build up. It starts the depression cycle of feeling victimized, anger, blaming, expecting the worst, not feeling hope that things will improve, isolation and avoidance becomes our best friend. It feels like time has stopped and we are stuck in this intensity of all these emotions and feel extremely victimized.

Left in that build up state for too long can lead us down the road to the act out phase where suicidal thoughts and maybe even follow through by attempting suicide,  feeling all these emotions without going back to the original source which is our negative core belief system.

We can also jump into pretending everything is normal, we feel fear and guilt when triggered,  this is the justification phase. That also comes from core beliefs and handling it through justification to those negative core beliefs.

We can change our negative core beliefs if we know what they are, how they got there. We can affirm a new positive core belief system that enables us to not be triggered by someone else and their choices. We can rid ourselves of this defeating message from the past, to see clearly and not become triggered by the negative core belief system but empowered by a new real time positive core belief system and validating our truth in who we are today.

Namaste💕🦄

 

 

 

 

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