grief, healing, suicide survivor

The reading

I have been struggling with some deep depression. It feels very heavy to the core, it is unbearable at times. I am doing trauma therapy weekly trying to process emotionally my fathers suicide three years ago, I haven’t been the same, since.  My oldest daughter has really struggled with her grandpa’s suicide because he was like a dad to her,  as a single mom to her for 4 years he helped a lot with her and she was his” little-hotshot”. My father was my greatest supporter so his loss was huge to me in so many ways.

My daughter sought a psychic this week in her healing process, my dad came up a ton in her reading. The psychic asked about me several times in her reading and told her I needed to come to see her because of my dad. So I did.

Yesterday,  I had an appointment with this psychic. I was leary as I think you should be a bit at first or with a pyscic the first time, but I have a had a reading by someone else before and it was a positive experience that helped me move forward. I pulled up to her house with signs that pointed the way inside. I was greeted by her super furry, fawn colored, yapping dog at the door. I was concerned the dog was psychic too and barking because I was being read by it. A woman in her fifties, olive toned skin, darker hair, greying on the sides, intense hazel eyes and of Eastern Europe decent with a little bit of an accent greeted me and told me to sit down across from her at a wooden table. She had jars of oils on her wooden table she had prepared, her house was very clean and void of energies. She spoke slowly to me and explained all my choices I could have for my reading. I choose the most in depth reading which includes your palm and an entire tarot card reading. She handed me the cards to shuffle and put my energy on the cards, the deck was so worn. Many cards had torn edges. It spoke of her time with these cards and it made feel comfortable because she had probably done hundreds, if not thousands of readings with these cards.

She took the deck from me and started to lay them in a brick lay fashion, stacking them. She didn’t say a lot at first. She just kept laying the cards down in top of each other in the same fashion. She paused and grabbed my hand. She turned my palms upwards and said very sternly, ” you have a very long life but you bring yourself close to death too many times, the next time you attempt suicide you will be paralyzed, your children and their children will follow suite and suicide will live in your family forever.” She leaned into me and spoke into my eyes, ” you must break this curse!” That really scared the shit out of me!

She went back to brick laying and reading my cards and told me,”because my dad had committed suicide he is stuck here, he is confused and he is also trying to protect my daughter and I, his energy is toxic and he is angry and lonely for the past three years”. She told me, “my daughter and I have to help him pass on and lead him to the light because he was never supposed to commit suicide”. She said, “his energy of depression that lead him to suicide is so strong in me and has such a hold that I needed to cleanse myself, heal myself and help him move on to the next life.”

In order to do this, she gave me cleansing oils I need to apply nightly to sleep in for 14 days, I then will use love oil or reparative oil for another 14 days. These are oils prepared by her and prayed over specifically for these energies. As well I have to smudge my home with sage everywhere, leave the house with all the animals and return 30 minutes later to light a white candle and open doors and windows to help and encourage my dad move on.

It maybe sounds hokey to some but the truth of suicide is that it is sudden for everyone, including my dad. I have never considered my dad tortured and not passed on until this was pointed out. If this is what we need to do I am open because nothing has worked so far to get closure with his suicide.

I also belong to a suicide survivor support group called heartbeat, they have always recommended psychics to help with the passing of a loved one that has committed suicide. We actually at one group had a psychic that is local named Deb Shepherd who did a group reading. My dad didn’t come through at that group. It wasn’t something I put a lot of value into until now. I will let you know how this goes as I work through this process. It is imperative to stop this cycle of suicide and depression I my family and it will start with me!

Namaste💕🦄

 

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Against Trump and a hateful agenda, Election, grief, Uncategorized

Confessions of a so called “crybaby”

I write this to the sounds of a nearby train, in the light of the super moon,  I wish I could enjoy more at 3:30 a.m. I awoke from what feels like the millionth nightmare I have had since Trump/Pence won the election. I know I am not alone as I go on Facebook to see my friends up at this hour too, posting they are unable to sleep.

Why are we not sleeping? Why are we having nightmares? Why can’t we get out of bed? It has been suggested and posted a lot that we may be a bunch of crybabies. Unable to accept the results of what the people spoke they wanted. For me and the ones I know in my personal life not sleeping, it is because we are scared for our futures. We are scared to have rights taken from us. Rights that are not equal yet, but we may be loosing the only rights we have protecting us. As the hate crimes against African Americans, Muslims and women are reported across the nation, my fears increase.

I understand why people in middle America voted for Trump. It is so awful what has happened in Flint Michigan and cities across America like Flint. It is a unaddressed problem by our government. It is the rise of greed and not caring about jobs for Americans. Now they are currently drinking poisonous water that is not fixed but told it is. They have been struggling for years with the collapse of the auto industry and job loss. It was completely arrogant of Hillary, when she had the Democratic ticket to not step foot in every Democratic state. They needed their voice heard and she took it for granted that they would vote party line.

Trump went to them to hear them and ordered hats for them to wear. The Democratic Party made fun of this. It was a genius move for Trump because he understands these people. They wear hats all the time, he knows this culture, they felt heard, that gave them hope, so they shouted his name and went out and VOTED. It doesn’t mean what he said to them will happen. It means they believed what he said and he showed up!

Also, I believe the DNC is responsible for not giving the Democratic ticket to Bernie Sanders. I understand people see the corruption of Hillary, I saw it myself. People who also voted for Trump from these cities were also Bernie fans and would have voted for him, given the choice. The Democratic Party no matter what it looks like in this moment, has had an agenda of more freedoms. It has supported unions always. Bernie was a voice of change too and also had the millennial vote. Many people could not vote for Trump or Hillary and chose not too or chose a third party. What screams to me everywhere, is people want change. Even if it means overlooking and endorsing the person they elected who is a bigot, misogynist, fascist, white elite racist.

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As we have watched Trump speak, he doesn’t seem consistent in anything he says. He isn’t a politician, he isn’t polished. It’s what Americans like about him. He is different than Hillary, he is not the MACHINE. That makes people seem to feel better and trust him more. People want change. People want to feel heard that have been suffering financially for a long time. They want hope and a plan. For me it has to say more than,”Let’s make America great again.” To me America has only been great from some people, mainly the white, straight, advantaged man who seems to not see his privilege.

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The days have moved on since Trump became the President elect and we are watching him pick the people he will surround himself with, to help him lead. That folks is why I am terrified in these wee hours of the morning. Pence is the scariest thing to me, Trump has said so many crazy things we can’t focus on this scary man’s agenda. Pence views homosexuality out of a fear base and built on religion, to the point I question if the man is straight himself? He hates gay people more than the God he endorses. I see Jesus saying,” forgive them for voting for Trump/Pence, they don’t know what they’ve done.” Like he did when he was crucified. As a recovering born again Christian, I have read the Bible and know that this a Christian agenda trying to keep the patriarchy  alive. Pence endorses shock therapy to heal gay people. Trump said on 60 minutes that he won’t overturn gay marriage. That is good news that I hope and pray stays intact! I still can’t help but not be able to feel peace because if Trump goes ,then Pence? Why are we not talking about Pence?

Trump did talk about abortion as well on 60 minutes. Ladies aren’t we lucky it won’t be banned in all states? Now your state decides on your vaginal rights, not the nation. Trump feels that you need to travel to another state if your state doesn’t allow you to get an abortion after being grabbed by the pussy and impregnated, that is your right if you choose. Just callous your way to another state, because truly if you stayed to prosecute the man that raped you in your state, well he might have had a couple drinks before raping you, which means that he won’t be prosecuted or have his life ruined because he raped you, he was drunk, he has too much to live for.. We have watched this play out too. Does this pro life agenda plan on giving more to welfare recipients, forced to keep children because they can’t afford an abortion traveling to another state? Change I want. Not this change.

In all this mayhem we are all living in right now , there is much division. People are grieving. We are all upset. For all of our own reasons. The reason I am upset is;
freedom is for all colors, religions and gender, that is not what I am seeing right now and have failed to see ever, in America . Our constitution was written to protect our freedoms. People wanted religious freedoms in America. It’s okay if you want your own religion to practice but you must respect that for others too. You can’t force people into your religion, even if it’s Christianity and that is what is predominantly practiced in America. Free will. Where is separation of church of and state in this agenda? How is this not like Muslim countries with Christianity in America? The man Trump wants to lead education in America is a creationist. The world is flat people, don’t you know? How is this not a Christian agenda to keep patriarchy alive? Or how about the decision to put a self proclaimed white supremacist beside him? I would like to point out Hitler did not come on the scene declaring, “I am killing all Jewish People “, at first. He had to get the voice and belief of the people first, before he could implement the massacre of the Jewish people agenda.

As a women I am horrified to go back. I am horrified that most of my friends I know as females, have been sexually assaulted in their lives. I am included in that. We as females have to be callous about that too because there is shame in talking about that, on women. One out of three females know this is going to happen in their  lives, it’s a matter of when.

The callous nature of humans is what I fear. The callousness of women shouting,” you will be fine, shut up.” Because that’s what has been shoved down our throats always as females! The callousness that I have to tell my daughters that they will have to accept they are not equal still, men can grab your pussy, men can do what they want to your vagina and then vote on your vagina, as to what you can do after they are done in your vagina.

I have to tell my gay son in callousness you might not get to be married and have children because people don’t agree with you, they think it’s a choice. The suicide hotline and suicide number have skyrocketed last week for gay and transgender children. I don’t know very many people that choose to be gay to be outcasted in our very obviously Christian society and be unsupported by the government forever until last year. Those same people are facing AIDS/HIV treatments and support of those going away under Pence.

Also, Trump called my Army Lieutenant of special forces awarded 2 Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star medal veteran dad, a whimp. I have to deal daily with the fact that my dad committed suicide 2 years ago because his country failed him in mental health following Vietnam, along with millions of suffering veterans with ptsd who apparently are also whimps, some in the streets that I commit to feeding, because they could be my dad.

I have to tell my granddaughter in callousness who is half Native American that her people don’t matter and they never have, on top of the fact she was born female. Look at that current situation right now, how their promised land is being treated. Not to mention the atrocities they have endured as Native Americans, not as white men. We are moving forward with this agenda for the white man again, in our change as Americans. The whites man words that these changes don’t affect and is easy to scream, ” you will be okay!” That isn’t change, way more of the same, but worse! I know millions are not for this agenda, which gives me great hope, if we survive the next 4 years.

In closing, being an empath, I feel bad for everyone who suffers. All people. Not one group of people. I refuse to grow more callous than I already am, to survive as a female in America. Is this blog going to change anyone’s mind? I don’t know? That’s not why I wrote this. I never put up anything about the election on social media. When someone on my feed would say something about being for Trump it never changed me, it made me mad. I changed to being an independent voter. I never believed Trump could win. I believed Hillary and the machine would win too. I wasn’t excited about that, but I knew I wouldn’t be experiencing this pain under her. I feel better because I wrote this. I have been unable to function this past week. I needed to get it out of me because I myself have been grieving, going through anger and complete depression trying to cope with this this decision.

The answer to this problem isn’t callousness to people. Personally through my sufferings I have gained empathy for others. It’s looking like this Trump/Pence decision will bring about a great suffering, my hope is empathy is gained and bitterness, callousness does not grow worse.

I chose to participate in a peaceful protest in Denver Thursday night against this agenda of hate and oppression. I respect people and my father who fought for my rights, so I would never burn a flag. I completely understand why people no longer respect our flag. It is however under the first amendment in the constitution, their right to burn the flag or not stand for the pledge of allegiance. As my fiancé says,”If you want everyone to stand for the flag and never demonstrate their rights, I suggest you move to North Korea under that government.” Love him❤️. Protests, NOT RIOTS OR BREAKING THE LAW, is our first amendment right  and I chose and will continue to exercise that right. It is also difficult to communicate love and acceptance in raging riots. To be fair, most of these riots are started by the white supremacist groups showing up to counter protest. Protests have been impactful in civil rights, women’s rights and union rights throughout history. I choose not to be calloused, even if that means I am a so called ,”crybaby.”

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🙏🏻 Namaste

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grief, healing, love, suicide survivor

1 year 7 months and 1 day

 

 

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It’s been that long since my dad passed, It feels like an eternity. Suicide is sudden, there are no goobyes,hugs, kisses or apologies, reconciliation to be had. It’s just over.  It is his birthday today which is why I am writing this blog. He would have been 72 years old today. I know many people reading this have experienced the pain of their parents dying. It is not easy and the pain still feels very heavy for me. People tell me it will get easier as time goes on, I don’t think about my dad as much as I used too, but the pain is still there.

I sat this morning sobbing while my boyfriend held me, just missing my dad. The pangs in my heart feel like a sharp knife. The memories flood in of his loud but charming laughter and ability to be silly and take over a room full of people. As I spend time with my gbaby, I sometimes shock myself as it comes into awareness  that I am mimicking my dad as I play with her. He would with all his grand babies play on the floor with them and do gymnastics moves  and let them climb all over him. He loved them and would teach and interact with whatever activity was going on.

20150411_073124-1I hold on the good memories of my dad. The suicide has become less of a focus for me as time passes. I feel terrible I couldn’t do more for my dad or enough but I am relieved that he doesn’t have to suffer with depression anymore. He doesn’t have to battle through memories of Vietnam or night terrors that he would have to sedate himself with medication to sleep through the night. He is free. I hold on to the things he taught me which was being passionate, bold and having integrity about the things I believed in life. He made me strong and gave me life skills that are innumerous. He never treated me like a princess, I was taught as a girl to carry our own weight in life,literally when we would backpack we had to be able to carry our body weight. I would cry and throw a fit like a girl but my dad would not hear it. We did Ride The Rockies as a family and if you don’t think riding up a mountain pass on a bicycle  I wasn’t freaking out, I was. My dad would just ride beside me and tell me to keep going and that I was wasting my energy crying. I also played on the baseball team my dad coached. He was a semi professional baseball player. I laugh, as I remember him yelling at me from the sideline , “SHAUNA, slide into base.” I would yell back, “not in these jeans,DAD!” He never did understand my want to be fashionable. I fought him but I  realize now it was all for my benefit. Hind sight in always 20/20.

Today I honor my dad on his birthday for the amazing memories of the life we shared and all the traits he left behind in myself, my children and my grandchildren.

 

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grief, love, suicide survivor

Deathday

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My dad took his life, a year ago ,yesterday. I can tell you now ,that I was in complete shock for some time, to function after he died. As I mourned and remembered him yesterday, I experienced this dull pain all day and it felt when I awoke, that someone had sat on my chest.

I had decided to take the day off from work, because I didn’t know exactly how I would feel. I went through photo albums in the morning from my childhood and happier times for my father. Suicide is difficult to process because it happens immediately,  there is no  time to prepare for them leaving this earth and having rational thoughts about why and time to process that they will be moving on. It happens and you are left to put the pieces together. I feel as though I have lived on the grief ladder all year, climbing through shock, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  That is the big one, accepting the loss.

I definitely wanted the day to hold meaning, but this isn’t a birthday celebration, it’s a deathday and to my knowledge there is no form of celebration for that. I decided to drive to see my oldest daughter and granddaughter. There is something magical about babies, their smell, smile and innocence that envelopes them. Copeland let me hold her for hours, she just seemed to melt in my lap and let me absorb her love. I am so grateful for her! This past year when I have had to go through dark times, Copeland’s energy and love has seen me through, almost like a direct link to healing. While I held my granddaughter tight and wished my dad could have met her, my daughter and I reflected on the person my dad was, while listening to Abba. My dad was goofy and would dance around the living room, shaking his hips to the sounds of Abba growing up. My daughter glowed as she recounted my dad calling her,” Hotshot”. I was a single mom to my oldest daughter until she was five, and my father was very close to her. In a way she lost a lot more than her grandpa, she lost her daddy too, or the only one she felt that way about.  It is so strange how when someone you love dies, it is really only the positive things, you really remember, at least in my experience.

I had made plans after school ,to go with my younger two children to visit the site, he was layed to rest. We stopped to get him a beer before we arrived.  My dad loved to sit outside in the gazebo he built and have a beer. We arrived feeling pretty sad and the weather was a perfect gray with a few drops of rain to let us know we weren’t alone in our grief.  We slowly walked back to the car, remembering his red, white and blue ballon release at his memorial  the year before as we looked at the sky in longing.

We left the church that held my dad’s remains and at this point I had decided we are going to celebrate my dad. So we went to his favorite restaurant and ordered steaks and lobster tail.  As I sat across from my kids we talked about memories of my dad, and all the time we got to spend with him. A older man approached our table and talked to my kids with the same silly ,demeanor my dad would have used. It really felt like my dad visited us in this man, he gave us a hug and returned to his table where his wife scolded him. He winked at us and said loudly ,”thanks for the conversation. ”

I am so happy I acknowledged this day. There was no better way to spend it, then remembering my dad for all the amazing qualities we have because of him. My children’s love for him is heart melting and I really wish he knew how much he meant to everyone. I decided I will celebrate his birthday and the day he left this earth every year. I miss him so much! I am grateful for all the lessons he taught me. Rest in peace pappa.

Namaste ♡

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