My heart hurts. Like a deep internal sting. My boy returned to school yesterday. My guy is leaving in an hour to return to the road with Lady Gaga. My heart is so full having my boys home for a week! I am exhausted totally but full from love. I have become conscious of my wants to fight with my guy as he is leaving. It is the coping mechanism of anger. Anger is motivating. Underneath that lives the true feeling which is depression, sadness and loss.
The only thing we have is awareness and the ability to decide if we want to act out of the same self defeating mechanisms we’ve learned to cope or to look at the real feelings underneath that. I had to decide to look at the depression and loss and how I am going to get through those feelings? In my experience with those feelings a lot of negative happened because I become a victim of my losses. Too much time spent thinking about the losses and feelings of aloneness. I know now what my life looks like alone. I can get too much alone time and things become bleak and hopeless.
I have to stay busy and reach out to my daughters and friends to make sure I don’t fall into depression and self loathing. I have to make sure I am actively giving back. I have to have routines with myself because I don’t have help or anyone to rely on for household needs. I think that is the loss that is hardest for me is not having help around the house. My guy is amazingly helpful when he is home. He has opened my car door since the day I met him. It is like living in day and night when he is home helping so much and going to the extreme opposite of that to doing it all alone.
No more intimacy. No more feet rubs. It is time to transition into that and it’s hard every time! I am grateful for the aging process and getting tired of my coping mechanisms that end up with me saying and doing things that aren’t genuine to how I really feel, which is destroyed. I am grateful to cry and say I feel so depressed about this and deal with it versus having a huge dramatic fight that I stab with my words in my heart of pain that I end up regretting and don’t really mean.
I also have to encourage myself and say you did it last time. You did it well. You are going to be okay and literally change the self defeating message to one that encourages my heart. Sick to death of the coping mechanisms that I have used. Even in my consciousness I have the desire to act but have the understanding of choice right now. I think that’s the key, we don’t stop wanting to do that coping behavior quickly but we become aware we don’t have to act on it. Profoundness in simplicity. I was lightning before the thunder.
I drove home crying uncontrollably from the airport dropping my guy off to his roadie life, listening to Thunder from Imagine dragons repeatedly. I have never had a song give me chills of truth like this song. Thunder is loud and explosive but invisible to the eye. We can feel it shake us. I feel evolvement shaking me. I was lightening before thunder with a short fuse. As a writer I really appreciate lyrics, when they sing these words accompanied by a beat,they penetrate my soul. I envy that ability.
Faced with the feeling of sadness and depression just to feel it and shaken to the core. Making no decisions from that just feeling and crying and releasing. Not masking lightning for thunder. It is powerful and uncomfortable. I am starting to realize that genuine truth is uncomfortable and we do all kinds of things to not feel pain. I realize most of the time being uncomfortable means growth and is positive. Chills always represent truth. I was dreaming of bigger things and leaving my old life behind. What are we seeking? Peace inside with ourselves. That’s what I see. Feel the thunder not the lightening, live your truth. Do your passions. Be genuine to your self and your true feelings. Thunder, feel the thunder, lightening THEN the thunder, never give up, thunder⚡️