When we decide to consciously evolve in our lives many times that means friendships end. Sometimes you drift apart, other times it’s an ugly dramatic ending. I am realizing that they weren’t even friendships then or what I want in qualities of friends in this time in my life, anyways. They were formed when I was young and out of the dysfunction of my family of origin. They are connections from the past formed in a place and time I no longer live in physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally. When I was young I was quiet, I let people pick on me and a people pleaser. I didn’t understand boundaries or how to be healthy. When we change it doesn’t mean others do. Physically aging happens to all humans, maturing or evolving does not.
There is this thing about being friends because of time in our society and how long we have been friends. In my growth I realize time means nothing. Friendships are built in the now, on time spent together, trust, honesty and loyalty. If your friend betrayed you but you keep the title of friendship because of time, is that a friend? Not in my book anymore.
Being middle aged is a trip. There are so many people locked in addictions and dysfunctions. When we are young it’s normal to party, we don’t see the future at that point and we all think we will grow out of it. For many the party never ends. The party becomes a middle aged hell of addiction. The problem with that is that when people are actively using they don’t have control, the substance does. How can you trust your “friend”, when they aren’t in control? It’s very sad to watch the train wreck and deal with all the behaviors of their out of control lives, they refuse to acknowledge or change. They also want you on the roller coaster with them because of time. Somehow you owe them? You don’t. That’s the narcissism of addiction and the outlook of that person that everyone owes them. “You are here for me”, says the addict. It’s also looking at your watch when you want to call to see if they will be sober or not. That feels like parenting at this point in my life, not friendship. When they are raging at you in their substance abuse, do they even remember or do they just act like it didn’t happen? Ugh! No thanks!
Let’s talk about competition, I am so over and past “friends ” who want to compete with me. They want to sleep with my current guy or have slept with my exes. They want my life because of the work I’ve invested on myself to grow out of things they are stuck in, if they can’t have my life they want to be a sidekick. No way. I understand this is not friendship, it’s the anti of that definition. It is such an immature outlook to compete. I truly would rather spend time alone than in these relationships. We are all different in our gifts to the world. Competition does not honor that. What is developmentally normal in high school is not in middle age but many still live this way. If your circle of friends isn’t celebrating loudly and supporting your good news but competing, get a new circle!
One of my counselors worked with me on the issue of , I couldn’t care for myself if I was caring about the other person more. It’s true. It’s also true no matter how much love I give it doesn’t mean it will change anything or anyone. People change because they are ready and willing to either voluntarily or because of consequences.
I believe it’s really normal to outgrow relationships if you are working on creating a higher consciousness. It’s okay. It happens in marriages and intimate relationships all the time. It also happens in friendships. It’s also freeing to know you have a high standard, the things that were once okay in your “friendships”, are not anymore because you love yourself to much to get hurt in those ways.