I binge watched stranger things on Netflix yesterday , all day on the couch bundled up with my dogs and that is all I did on my day off. I do this once a week, which is absolutely nothing. Anxiety feels like the dark monster in stranger things, engulfing me in it’s unending arms of uneasiness.
Typically following a day in which I do nothing it is followed by days of anxiety to accomplish my tasks. Meaning I am becoming conscious of anxiety being the motivator of getting things accomplished. It’s like looking in a window to myself and seeing this pattern that doesn’t end. I am not going to stop taking days off in which I do nothing, anxiety doesn’t stop me from doing this, anxiety is the tool to I grab after I take my time to do nothing to get going again. The problem with this is, anxiety doesn’t feel good, like the tentacles of the dark monster in stranger things consuming your being doesn’t feel good.
I asked myself this morning, what can I do to not use anxiety as my motivator? I believe it’s a tool I have always used in my life. What other tool do I have to turn too? What is the motivation behind today’s agenda? I know I have things to do. I know from experience I will get these things done. I know I can write down what needs to be accomplished and lists of things I need to get. I know if I stay in the moment and I just think about the task I am performing, that is the solution. Sometimes I think the task we are performing is so boring, like washing dishes that we choose a thought to go on a adventure in our mind or being consumed by anxiety instead of being aware of the boring task.
The only thing we have is awareness to change. We don’t have too. I am tired of feeling anxious. I think it’s the reason I have to have days off where I shut down completely. It’s very black or white living. Today I see it and it’s a choice. I will probably interact with that feeling quite a bit, it’s my mode of operation but when I see it and feel it ,I am going to breathe deeply and try to stay in the moment and not let the anxiety take over as the motivating emotion. It’s letting go. Maybe it’s a way to control? I am not sure but what I know is, I want freedom from that all consuming anxious feeling.