I still have that feeling, that he is asleep in his room, while I drink my coffee in the wee hours of the morning, we keep opposite hours, I am senior citizen hours of 5-10, he keeps the teenager hours of 9-12. He isn’t asleep, he is at school. He is in the bed they have for him. He has all his blankies from home but he isn’t here. He won’t be back till Christmas. My nest is empty and my guy is on the road for work with Lady Gaga till Christmas. I am fully alone on the daily. I got a little glimpse of this when my guy left on tour and my son was still at camp in New York. I also had the experience for two summers of my son being gone for a month in another state at camp with no communication, if anything makes you trust the universe as a mother, it’s definitely that!
Transitions are hard, I am in the throughs of transitions. There has to be a death before a beginning. There has to be closure on what was to usher in what is. There is loss to acknowledge in transitions even if the changes are positive. Many times they aren’t, divorce, death, loss. The start of the school year usually brings a new schedule, lunches to pack, vitamins handed out, a hot breakfast every morning to make. Not this year. I took him to school in New Mexico on Wednesday, he is now on their schedule and he now has a dorm mom and dad, who I adore but they aren’t me. He is responsible for taking his vitamins, he is responsible for all his stuff. I trust him, that’s why we agreed to this decision, he is very responsible for his age. I have cried and shed many tears over my baby leaving the nest. I think that is part of the shedding process. Acknowledging how much identity for me has been formed around my motherhood since age 18. I am 43 years old now, that is 25 years of non stop parenting on the daily. That is not a small change. When we go through transitions we have to mourn what life was that we loved and we will not do anymore. It is now a completely different reality. Where does our identity go without the daily parenting, it is a new journey with yourself to find out.
Having my guy on the road is also a huge transition and change. I had to mourn his physical touch of rolling over in bed and touching his skin in the middle of the night, I only get to experience this every three weeks when he or I fly to each other. I had to mourn the ability to contact him when I want. I have to wait till he is available or he is on a tour bus with no reception or much of the time he is asleep when I am awake and vice versa. I had to mourn him going to the store to pick up something or help out in someway. He treated me like a queen in our daily life and did a lot so going from that to nothing was very shocking.
Our daily relationship and everything I knew changed in the blink of an eye. It’s bracing yourself as you go through the shock of your life being something you don’t understand. It’s about all the feelings of loss of routines you have with that person and understanding the securities you had with that. I have to tell myself everyday you have to do it (insert whatever) because no one else will, it is the most terrifying and liberating feeling I have ever felt simultaneously.
That’s what I know and am experiencing is how important grieving the losses are to move on to the positives of this new life. It makes me grateful for my relationship because of our limited time and ability to communicate, it puts our relationship pettiness away because there is limited times we can communicate. I now will spend my time writing letters to my son at school, he loves receiving actual paper, texting and phone calls instead of sitting across from him at the dinner table discussing the day. It is going to take time for sure to adjust to this new life. I think we have a problem with grieving as a society and an innate want to immediately move on to not feel the pain. It’s healing to just cry and feel that pain to the core and go to work or wherever you need to be for the day. It’s one day at a time, it’s one moment at a time, it’s acknowledging the changes and grieving as we go through transitions in this life.