Pain has always motivated me to write since I was a child. It is this access to a wellspring of words that describe the devastation of feelings I am experiencing that want to explode out of me with immense intensity that make you hold onto whatever you around to sustain the power of the vomit of words coming out. When I decide to accompany music to this writing it is an orchestra of pain intertwined, swirling coming from the depths bubbling beneath me. It has become a relationship of having the greatest written material ever from this pain and the reality of living through the experience causing the pain. It is a vortex of a different reality that pulls me forward , I can fill a whole notebook in a week, it becomes an obsession to get it out of me. It is my healer, it is always what I return too, it is my best friend, my written word is what I seek in my relationship with the truth.
Do you ever listen to a song repeatedly because the words pierce your heart making your gut literally physically react without consent, making you scream without noise, the vibration of music that is sixth sense with words describing everything you are feeling? The tears rolling down in cascades, the uncontrollable sobbing holding your face in your palms feeling the very depths of your raw exposed, wounded soul. It’s healing, feel it to the core, the pain is seeking refuge.
As humans we suck at feeling pain we never give enough credence to closure and goodbyes. We move on way to quick to run from that shadow that we can’t face lurking with so much heartache we can’t face. We soothe the pain in whatever our poison of choice we choose to numb those pangs of feelings we cannot tolerate that shake us to our core.
Today I am grateful for the almighty, never ending, written word. My endearment and salvation is inarticulate, it is circle that is never broken in a world that is changing every day.