love, parenting

A mother’s story of love

Do you have fear about how your child will turn out? As a strong willed person myself, I gave birth to a child, that is strong willed with wings. She was my first child so I had no comparison of personalities until my other two children arrived. I really wasn’t that freaked out when she was little, I bought and own every ‘ your strong willed child ‘book available to help me and she was developmentally ahead and ready for school at 4 years old, I didn’t think that was odd, considering my disposition and her bad behavior thankfully stayed at home, most of the problems were with me. There were years I seriously didn’t think she would live through, in her late teens. So many sleepless nights.  I give her credit for my grey hair and the bags that seem to get darker under my eyes from lack of sleep and worry over the years.

She gave birth in August and became this stellar mom. It was jaw dropping to watch her transform into this responsible, loving mom. Her natural protection for her daughter and this instinctual ability to calm and nurture her little one was the most amazing thing I have ever seen.  I was fortunate to be a big part of copeland’s first six months of life when they lived with me. I am so attached as a Gma, I literally feel withdrawal if I don’t see her at least once a week. She is a single mom supporting copeland on her own and refuses to use the welfare system, for her own desire to provide for Copeland, I find that admirable, it is incredibly challenging at times for her to do this.  She and I talk daily and the wisdom at such a young age comes pouring out of her mouth, I definitely was not that self aware at 22. All the hard work, fights, counseling, prayers and unconditional love payed off. My dad once told me, “never give up on your kid.” He can say that with experience,  I was a total nightmare myself growing up. It is the best gift I have ever received ,to watch this process and growth in her,she has choosen to use the tools she learned in counseling and applies them to her daily life. She also is a voracious reader where she also finds and applies knowledge from.

We went grocery shopping together recently,  I am used to seeing my daughter buy and live on processed and fast food, normal for a young person, but left me reeling inside because I am such a health nut. Whenever I would juice she would reject it and she would eat at home as least as possible so she would not have to eat chicken, she hated chicken, or vegetables. So you can imagine my internal jumping for joy when she started filling the cart with fresh fruit, vegetables, herbs, meats and things that actually benefits your body. She had made a menu for the week and was actually meal planning. I recently made one of her creations with turkey sausage and peppers.  Mother’s day she made steak street tacos, seriously amazing! Through osmosis this happened! I guess the moral of the story is our kids learn from us even when it looks and acts like they are not.

So if you are parenting a strong willed child right now in the midst of a lot of despair and turmoil, hold on! That strong will turned into purpose is worth every thing you are going through and have gone through. I have no doubt that life will be amazing for these two! Love is always where it’s at.

Namaste ♡

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healing

Termination

I sat across from my therapist as he explained the process, he called it termination in psychology terms. He said, ” I don’t like terms as they label but that what it’s called, it means you have changed your thought processes and reactions for six months, the daily practice of meditation, breathing, living in the moment and really changing how you react to people, is the amount of time it takes the brain to process differently and change your responses”. I used to personalize way too much which caused me to feel and want to be defensive. That was exhausting and draining to live with on a daily basis.  Really hearing my voice and spending tons of time alone meditating and doing yoga, feeling my intuitive abilities has been mind blowing to help process heavy emotions and work through things I need too. I prioritized with my therapist to practice this daily to be able to change the way I processed and thought.

I have never felt this visually creative and connected to my work since I can remember but what I notice is that I feel happy. I haven’t felt happy in years and there is such a spark to creativity feeling happy and at peace. My life is hysterically imperfect but how  I respond is the only thing I have control over. I have so learned that Weither I loose my mind or not is my choice. I have been the queen of going through a stressful situation and making it ten times worse because I am not trusting and have great fear and look and sound like a howler monkey dying. We are human,I learned to quit judging myself and thoughts so much, I have to laugh at myself. That or cry. I have cried and been unhappy for a long time. I believe happiness is a choice. It comes from being grateful because when we are grateful we are able to see the good, if the NEGATIVE isn’t highlighted and underlined. There are always good things that happen on our shittiest of days, if we open to seeing them.  I am learning that I am loved and I can receive that now. I do not hate myself anymore and have accepted myself the good, bad, ugly, all of it. I truly have realized I am taken care of by a power greater than me but lives in me always and has, I just received it completely by trusting, not being driven by guilt or fear, but love. It is the greatest most freeing thing I have ever experienced, which is to accept myself, I notice I can accept other people and live in a moment and just be there, in a conversation, at lunch etc. To have control over my overactive brain of anxiety, worry, fear and control my whole life and to experience silence, love and peace is life changing.  I am so grateful!

Namaste♡images

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grief, love, suicide survivor

Deathday

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My dad took his life, a year ago ,yesterday. I can tell you now ,that I was in complete shock for some time, to function after he died. As I mourned and remembered him yesterday, I experienced this dull pain all day and it felt when I awoke, that someone had sat on my chest.

I had decided to take the day off from work, because I didn’t know exactly how I would feel. I went through photo albums in the morning from my childhood and happier times for my father. Suicide is difficult to process because it happens immediately,  there is no  time to prepare for them leaving this earth and having rational thoughts about why and time to process that they will be moving on. It happens and you are left to put the pieces together. I feel as though I have lived on the grief ladder all year, climbing through shock, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  That is the big one, accepting the loss.

I definitely wanted the day to hold meaning, but this isn’t a birthday celebration, it’s a deathday and to my knowledge there is no form of celebration for that. I decided to drive to see my oldest daughter and granddaughter. There is something magical about babies, their smell, smile and innocence that envelopes them. Copeland let me hold her for hours, she just seemed to melt in my lap and let me absorb her love. I am so grateful for her! This past year when I have had to go through dark times, Copeland’s energy and love has seen me through, almost like a direct link to healing. While I held my granddaughter tight and wished my dad could have met her, my daughter and I reflected on the person my dad was, while listening to Abba. My dad was goofy and would dance around the living room, shaking his hips to the sounds of Abba growing up. My daughter glowed as she recounted my dad calling her,” Hotshot”. I was a single mom to my oldest daughter until she was five, and my father was very close to her. In a way she lost a lot more than her grandpa, she lost her daddy too, or the only one she felt that way about.  It is so strange how when someone you love dies, it is really only the positive things, you really remember, at least in my experience.

I had made plans after school ,to go with my younger two children to visit the site, he was layed to rest. We stopped to get him a beer before we arrived.  My dad loved to sit outside in the gazebo he built and have a beer. We arrived feeling pretty sad and the weather was a perfect gray with a few drops of rain to let us know we weren’t alone in our grief.  We slowly walked back to the car, remembering his red, white and blue ballon release at his memorial  the year before as we looked at the sky in longing.

We left the church that held my dad’s remains and at this point I had decided we are going to celebrate my dad. So we went to his favorite restaurant and ordered steaks and lobster tail.  As I sat across from my kids we talked about memories of my dad, and all the time we got to spend with him. A older man approached our table and talked to my kids with the same silly ,demeanor my dad would have used. It really felt like my dad visited us in this man, he gave us a hug and returned to his table where his wife scolded him. He winked at us and said loudly ,”thanks for the conversation. ”

I am so happy I acknowledged this day. There was no better way to spend it, then remembering my dad for all the amazing qualities we have because of him. My children’s love for him is heart melting and I really wish he knew how much he meant to everyone. I decided I will celebrate his birthday and the day he left this earth every year. I miss him so much! I am grateful for all the lessons he taught me. Rest in peace pappa.

Namaste ♡

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