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Begin again

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My divorce was final Tuesday ending 17 years together,that is as long as we both spent with our families of origin . A friend once told me,” the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. ” It is so true, I am at a place where if I invision him with someone else it is fine, no jealousy. That is when you are over someone completely. Divorce is just the legal step to divide everything,it is not emotional.  The emotional step feels like after a forrest fire there is just burnt black stubs surrounding you, but as you move forward with time there is new growth you see popping up around the charred ruins.

I drove away from the courthouse thinking, I arrived here married and I am leaving single, a word that hasn’t described me since I was 23 years old.  So I’ve realized in my time spent alone,  I am the only one who is going to take care of me. I decided to go eat breakfast at mod market,  which is the best place ever to eat my sorrows away without gaining 50 pounds and they have allegro coffee. I don’t mind eating alone but maybe I haven’t done it enough to dislike it, being an introvert is a huge plus to this experience of dining alone.

I spent the rest of the day with my granddaughter copeland,  who is hands down the cutest baby ever! She is the happiest, smiliest, human I have ever met! Copey has been light and love during my darkest days these past months. We are so grateful for her. God has perfect timing, she is a gift and helped me through another tough day.

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I woke up the next morning feeling fortunate that I did not have to work, resonating on my new life, I kinda feel like a toddler working through walking. Living life is going to be totally different, it doesn’t matter how my partner feels, it is over. I have gotten a small dose of that being separated. So I asked myself, what do you want to do? For what feels like forever I have had a desire to go bouldering, it felt intimidating to do alone so I hadn’t gone before. Putting on my big girl panties and telling myself, you have to do things you like.  I got in my car and drove myself to this indoor climbing gym called thrill seekers.

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Thankfully no one was there climbing, for the  reasons of not wanting people to see me fall off this climbing wall, I am notorious for passing out on occasions like these if I get super anxious and experience low blood sugar . The owner helped me with shoes, which help you have monkey toe grip and gave me a chalk bag for my waist to use when my hands get sweaty climbing. He took me over to one of the walls and showed me the different markers to follow with my hands and feet.  The whole floor was made up of cut up matts, soft cushion, every wall had different challenges. Down climbing is seriously hard, I had so much fun. After 90 minutes I could barely feel my arms, new parts of me burned with pain. I left the gym feeling empowered that I did something alone that scared me and pushed me physically but I pushed through it and will definitely do this again.

Right now I am experiencing feeling like I just am starting to live, which I am and having a relationship with myself. I am done hating myself, all that negative self talk is dying. I choose every day to live in the moment and experience gratitude.

Namaste ♡

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