This saying is something I am trying to integrate into my thinking. Which is not easy being a type A personality most of my life. After the holidays I am finding I am spent emotionally and physically. I just want to sleep. There is so much to do and I am not caring or feel that I am able or better worded, I don’t want to push myself. I am not going too. I am trying to listen to myself and my body for what feels like the first time.
This year has brought the most epic change for me I have experienced so far in my life. I am finding that I am changing a lot myself through all the events of 2014 which included my daughter being in a high school shooting, my son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, my oldest child found out she was pregnant and threw up for 32 weeks straight and was hospitalized 15 times,my father took his life, my 17 year marriage ended as well . This type A girl cannot control the things that have happened. So what I am finding is I have to accept things I cannot change. Radical acceptance is the ability to accept where life has taken you and really understand you cannot change anything but move forward in the reality of this acceptance. I battle so much fear in moving forward. I have to really look at that fear and face it alone. On really great days it’s like a choose your own adventure book. Bad days feel like the all encompassing hell of a victim. It is a choice how we look at life. It is a choice to love or be a victim.
17 years with someone is no small change. Having my dad gone forever is no small change. In both situations there is loss. The feelings are all consuming. The paperwork of divorce is enough to make your hair fall out and the agreements you make with each other across a cold wooden court table are for life without each other, so you are on the defense with the person you looked to make a happy life with. Super confusing.
But in fairness to this year, I have been blessed with a now healthy daughter and granddaughter. My son is on a pump now for his diabetes. My daughter has worked hard in therapy to work through the shooting. We have all missed my father so much and grow every day in acceptance of his loss. In the middle of all of this I have found my voice, my strength, my wants and ultimately I know I am responsible for my happiness despite my circumstances.
So I now give that type A girl a nap. My achievements are thought of in friendships and relationships. Not in what I do. Or how something turns out. Yes, I put my best foot forward but it is not out of control but out of love. Giving myself permission to suck is liberating because I am letting go of control.