I remember my dad saying to me, ” I don’t know, hon. The older I get the less I really know.” I am starting to really understand that statement. Or I am less secure in what I thought or believed or was taught was right or truth.
My mother has always had a very strong faith. She never pushed that on us, which I appreciate, she did expect us to live in her realm of rights and wrongs, which came with some strong feelings of confusion because we were not taught the source of where this all came from. It was right or wrong, the end. I feared hell a lot, mostly because I related to people more who were supposed to be going to hell than heaven.
As I find myself smack dab in the middle of my life, I think about why I do what I do, my belief system, my intentions and goals. As I give myself freedom to grow and release the guilt/duty of what I should or not should think or do, I have become free. Right and wrong seems to rule the world. Ego system is what I call it. There seems to continue throughout all of time that religions feel right and they fight endlessly with each other in pursuit of being right.
What I realize is that I don’t want to focus on what anyone is doing spiritually and judge them. People act, believe according to many factors. It is a path every individual is on.
A faith that is not questioned is not real faith at all, in my eyes. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it feels like right now. My faith is there, I am not in control. It comforts me to know that there is a creator with impeccable humor , paradoxes of lessons laid out perfectly to learn from if I choose, ruling this circus. I truly believe God is never shocked, we are. As I lay out pieces of my self on the coffee table to look at, I see it as a puzzle. The picture is starting to form, I am the box the puzzle came in ,so I just have to keep living to watch the puzzle come to a complete picture. I hope in the end, it is love that trumps violence any day ,that appears on that picture.