I had a major revelation that I am the queen of distraction ,on the drive to the hospital with my 39 week pregnant daughter for what feels like the hundredth time.
I swear this pregnancy has been a living nightmare for my daughter. Copeland is coming no matter what Sunday or Monday. They decided to induce Sunday night. Yay!
Copeland is great and is at 6 pounds. Mama has hit her breaking point. Grandma has hit her breaking point too. I cannot wait to hold this angel brought to us in our greatest need. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. The cosmic hilarious thing is my daughter and I are into horoscopes and this baby might be a Virgo sun, virgo rising, virgo moon. My daughter’s one wish was to have a Virgo baby like herself to relate. Awesome!
The distraction I seem to have is to have this need to advocate for every issue I have gone through the past 8 months. I did the schedule. September is suicide awareness, October is Domestic Abuse awareness, November is Diabetes Awareness, January is mental health awareness. But my epiphany is I have to get through my stuff right now with Lazer vision.
I am a mama bear beyond normal. My defense mechanism is to over do it and then apologize. It is soooo frustrating the way our systems function in getting help with support emotionally through therapy.
It is no wonder colorado had the shootings and suicides and violence it has due to the lack of help available.
I feel so divinely driven right now with the support group and counselor I have found. This counselor I see, saw a need so great in her community it drove her to do something about it on her own. She did it. Rad!
A friend of mine once told me, ” I knew I needed to move out of my dysfunctional home, so she went and bought chickens as a distraction.” Sometimes when we talk ,she asks me, ” is that chickens? ” We as humans seek such relief from deep pain, distraction it is a coping mechanism. The problem is it stops the grieving process which is vital to go through! It stumps your personal growth.
I believe in giving back during this time is vital as well. I just have to give back In a way that is unnoticed and sacrificial, it is a spiritual principle I have learned.
Awareness is that; information for people. It is so important to me as a Gemini to communicate correctly and articulate the information in a way that makes sense to people. I will at some point advocate and educate but right now the lazer vision is coming back into focus and that’s called survival living.
Moment by moment. What I have learned and will give unsolicited advice that has worked for me is to Cry; it releases a chemical for pain relief. Have a physical outlet; whatever you love or need to do to get the poisonous emotions out. When you are in trauma to the point that adrenaline rules your physical and mental state. It creates memory loss. It is a state of adrenaline that never ends. Be patient with yourself, give yourself grace to suck on levels you have never experienced. It is survival not normal living. It is necessary to live this way till you cross the bridge to new paths.
I went to my therapist yesterday and I told her ,” I am so fucking angry!” She told me I needed a physical outlet to get the anger out. I have lost 20 pounds and struggle to eat once a day. Food makes me vomit because my anxiety is so bad! Walking is out, I can’t loose any more weight. I asked my dreadlock rasta daughter who is trained in MMA fighting to teach me how to box. It is seriously the best thing I have ever experienced for anger. She helps me wrap my wrists perfect to not break my money makers, and shows me the correct form to not hurt myself. It is awesome to beat the fuck out of an inanimate object. It helps immensely in the anger stage of grief. That’s all the epiphanies I have for today.