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Distraction

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I had a major revelation that I am the queen of distraction ,on the drive to the hospital with my 39 week pregnant daughter for what feels like the hundredth time.

I swear this pregnancy has been a living nightmare for my daughter. Copeland is coming no matter what Sunday or Monday.  They decided to induce Sunday night. Yay!
Copeland is great and is at 6 pounds. Mama has hit her breaking point. Grandma has hit her breaking point too. I cannot wait to hold this angel brought to us in our greatest need. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. The cosmic hilarious thing is my daughter and I are into horoscopes and this baby might be a Virgo sun, virgo rising, virgo moon. My daughter’s one wish was to have a Virgo baby like herself to relate. Awesome!

The distraction I seem to have is to have this need to  advocate for every issue I have gone through the past 8 months. I did the schedule.  September is suicide awareness, October is Domestic Abuse awareness,  November is Diabetes Awareness, January is mental health awareness. But my epiphany is I have to get through my stuff right now with Lazer vision.

I am a mama bear beyond normal. My defense mechanism is to over do it and then apologize. It is soooo frustrating the way our systems function in getting help with support emotionally through therapy.

It is no wonder colorado had the shootings and suicides and violence it has due to the lack of help available.

I feel so divinely driven right now with the support group and counselor I have found. This counselor I see, saw a need so great in her community it drove her to do something about it on her own. She did it. Rad!

A friend of mine once told me, ” I knew I needed to move out of my dysfunctional home,  so she went and bought chickens as a distraction.” Sometimes when we talk ,she asks me, ” is that chickens? ” We as humans seek such relief from deep pain, distraction it is a coping mechanism.  The problem is it stops the grieving process which is vital to go through! It stumps your personal growth.

I believe in giving back during this time is vital as well. I just have to give back In a way that is unnoticed and sacrificial,  it is a spiritual principle I have learned. 

Awareness is that; information for people. It is so important to me as a Gemini to communicate correctly and articulate the information in a way that makes sense to people.  I will at some point advocate and educate  but right now the lazer vision is coming back into focus and that’s called survival living.

Moment by moment. What I have learned and will give unsolicited advice that has worked for me is to Cry; it releases a chemical for pain relief.  Have a physical outlet;  whatever you love or need to do to get the  poisonous emotions out. When you are in trauma  to the point that adrenaline rules your physical and mental state. It creates memory loss. It is a state of adrenaline that never ends. Be patient with yourself,  give yourself grace to suck on levels you have never experienced. It is survival not normal living. It is necessary to live this way till you cross the bridge to new paths.

I went to my therapist yesterday and I told her ,” I am so fucking angry!” She told me I needed a physical outlet to get the anger out. I have lost 20 pounds and struggle to eat once a day. Food makes me vomit because my anxiety is so bad! Walking is out, I can’t loose any more weight. I asked my dreadlock rasta daughter who is trained in MMA fighting to teach me how to box. It is seriously the best thing I have ever experienced for anger. She helps me wrap my wrists perfect to not break my money makers, and shows me the correct form to not hurt myself. It is awesome to beat the fuck out of an inanimate object. It helps immensely in the anger stage of grief.  That’s all the epiphanies I have for today.

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Namaste ♡

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Suicide surviving

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I went to my surviving suicide group tonight. I went there with zero expectations as my intention. I spent a lot of time to get this to this place mentally. I have major raw needs of processing a violent, sudden death. I had to put aside any vision I had for what this group might look like before I went.

With Robin Williams taking his life this week, suicide is the hot topic. For us as suicide survivors, we are grateful for the awareness an amazing actor and human being of his magnitude will generate around suicide.

It is great to meet people who are laughing and have truly survived suicide and are thriving. It brings me hope that someday this sting of death is not going to hurt on this level it does now. I heard someone say, ” this group and healing, grieving are how you get THROUGH it.”You don’t go over it, you don’t go around it, you go straight fucking through it. It really helps to talk openly with others about how you really feel. They know, they lived it. Some people have gone through it multiple times.

Suicide has statistics that say you are more prone to suicide if someone in your family has taken their life.  It is true, I saw tonight. I cannot imagine going through this multiple times. Talk about a living hell.

Shame is what surrounds  all families going through this process. Judgements flare. Need I say more with all the comments and judgements made on Robin Williams suicide?

I decided in March for spring break, I am renting a camper and driving to California to this beautiful land with a huge stream that runs through it. The property belongs to woman who’s son committed suicide at 17. You bring a painted rock with a name on it. You place the rock in the stream with millions of these rocks with the intention on closure.  You place the rock in the sream and let go of guilt, grief, loss all of it. I think that is the missing link, an intention to close. A place to honor that decision.

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Namaste ♡

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Spread love like violence

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I remember my dad saying to me, ” I don’t know, hon. The older I get the less I really know.” I am starting to really understand that statement. Or I am less secure in what I thought or believed or was taught was right or truth.

My mother has always had a very strong faith. She never pushed that on us, which I appreciate, she did expect us to live in her realm of rights and wrongs, which came with some strong feelings of confusion because we were not taught the source of where this all came from. It was right or wrong, the end. I feared hell a lot, mostly because I related to people more who were supposed to be going to hell than heaven.

As I find myself smack dab in the middle of my life, I think about why I do what I do, my belief system, my intentions and goals. As I give myself freedom to grow and release the guilt/duty of what I should or not should think or do, I have become free. Right and wrong seems to rule the world. Ego system is what I call it.  There seems to continue throughout all of  time that religions feel right and they fight endlessly with each other in pursuit of being right.

What I realize is that I don’t want to focus on what anyone is doing spiritually and judge them. People act, believe according to many factors.  It is a path every individual is on.

A faith that is not questioned is not real faith at all, in my eyes. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it feels like right now. My faith is there, I am not in control.  It comforts me to know that there is a creator with impeccable humor , paradoxes of lessons laid out perfectly to learn from if I choose, ruling this circus. I truly believe God is never shocked, we are. As I lay out pieces of my self on the coffee table to look at, I see it as a puzzle.  The picture is starting to form, I am the box the puzzle came in ,so I just have to keep living to watch the puzzle come to a complete picture.  I hope in the end, it is love that trumps violence any day ,that appears on that picture.

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Namaste ♡

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There is no hope in perfectionism

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Thirteen weeks

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My dad took his life thirteen weeks ago. Everything paused, time especially.   I still think it is May,every day. I cannot believe it’s August, my kids go back to school in two weeks. I know we had summer, I have the photographs. Mentally and emotionally I haven’t experienced summer at all.

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Life goes on. That is a fact. It doesn’t seem to care how you feel. I am now on blood pressure medication which is used for extreme anxiety,  to control my physical anxiety because regular anti anxiety medication only stops the mental anxiety. I throw up every morning if I don’t take that medication upon rising, all the medication wears off by the time I get up. I have lost 20 pounds since May 6th ,which is the day my dad choose to do that . Due to current and past traumas over the past seven months,  one trauma a month, I have cognitive trauma.

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What is that? I will tell you it feels a lot like pregnancy brain at the end, you forget where you put things, math is impossible. Thank God someone has stepped up every month to help me sit down and go through and help me pay my bills, I am super special needs currently.  Extreme memory loss,  an inability to pay attention to more than one thing at a time. My kids are soooo frustrated with me right now.

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I have never been in a place like this ever. My life has never sucked more. However I believe this is changing me. My dad’s decision to end his life made my whole life unravel, I thought.  What I really think is, it was broken before the suicide, it just highlighted the parts that needed to be changed, that I was really struggling to change before the suicide. It has given me insight into why I made the choices I did in my life and continue to want too sometimes.

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I realise I am free with my dad gone in so many ways. I don’t have to worry anymore if he is going to commit suicide,  he did it. I don’t have to feel bad for how bad his depression is, he doesn’t feel the pain anymore. I don’t have to work for his approval,  it doesn’t matter. It sounds fatalistic as I read this but it is just raw emotion working it’s way through as I try to process through the madness.

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I am looking forward to next week, it will be my first survivors of suicide group meeting. I hope to find resolve somehow there. Not knowing people who have gone through suicide is very lonely. I have no clue if what I am feeling is normal? Suicide is considered a violent death,  to process through it ,is a little different than natural death,  I have been told. I think death sucks across the board, personally.

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I am sooooooo sick of people telling me how strong I am. What other choice do you have?  That is what I ask them. I suppose I could get in a corner and rock myself? That would be difficult to feed my children and parent them if I did that. Not that shit is smooth sailing all the time. All my children are grieving over their grandpa and their own personal traumas over the last seven months. There are definitely difficult days.

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What I am becoming to believe is that wounds are entry points of strength.
Maybe when I think my life sucks, I should remember growth is painful.  I allow myself to feel angry at my dad. I allow myself to miss him, I allow myself grace when I can’t do anymore and call it a day even if it’s 8am. I allow myself to cry whenever, wherever.  It is healing, it is frustrating,  it is the path of being human.

Namaste ♡

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Je t’aime

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We finished my daughter’s side of the room today. Ugh ,I am too old for these all nighter nesting parties with my daughter, Lol.
Glad it’s done and Copeland can come when she is ready.
There are no before photos of this room. It had chocolate brown walls with red accents painted in and electric blue carpet. My daughter had also personalized her closet with dates that were important to her, she had painted or written in pen, make up. She has a big girl room now! Yay!
I am so happy for her that she got to decorate the way she wanted as she has done nothing but bow to the toilet for 36 weeks, vomiting.  She will be 37 weeks Monday and that is considered not premature. So happy and grateful.
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Namaste ♡

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