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Tears of loss

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The tears are falling like rain this morning. Typically I throw up because of anxiety  or cry when l get up in the mornings. It is as dreamy as it sounds. The worst part is all of this is; it is not for one specific thing, It is tears for every one of the losses.
I am so sick of these mornings. I miss my dad so much. My heart has never known this kind of pain. It is so important to have these mornings despite how awful they feel apparently. My counselor told me, ” healthy people get up cry and go to work or fulfill whatever obligation or duty for the day.” That is much easier said than done. I cry and go to work but the smoothness factor is not there.
Today I don’t want to write at all but I know if I get the toxic hurtful feelings out of me they won’t eat me alive. I feel like someone took a machete to half my heart, handed it back to me and said, ” fix it.” As I hold this part of my broken heart and gaze upon the damage,  I think and feel some days it may be impossible.
I miss you daddy! I wish I could tell you how much you meant to me. I seriously might kill to have an opportunity for one more bear hug of yours. Simultaneously I want to punch you in the face for putting us through this.
I need you right now. You are not here. It feels so fucking wrong to think that you are somewhere better while I feel like I travel between hell and earth ( which lately doesn’t feel much different,  earth at least offers friends,  alcohol, and other things to get your mind off the emotional punching bag and roller-coaster.
I have zero words of wisdom or revelations to reveal.  Just pain oozing it’s way out. Thanks for reading through the inner workings of my mind, it exhausts and frustrates me.

Namaste ♡

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