Back to the circle


It occurred to me recently that due to the emotional flare ups that seem daily, I need more support. 
I called survivors of suicide yesterday and got linked into a support group. I am no stranger to support or 12 step groups.  I also am going to be working with a new therapist who runs a support group for suicide survivors and seemed to be to be a grief guru when I spoke with her It felt like it was meant to be, she said,” this conversation was serendipitous.” Grief spills everywhere like a broken pipe for me. The losses over the last six months combined are overwhelming, In the last month also includes a decision to end my 17 year marriage. That is whole nother Oprah, and sometimes was as bad as a Jerry springer episode.  I am not ready to write about that online yet. The therapist will be able to go through each unfortunate event and hopefully guide me through the peaks and valleys that seem to extreme to climb alone. It feels strange to be called a survivor. I guess not, I consider everyone who is above ground, a survivor.
This is forty. Shit happens. Half your life is over and you look around and go hmm, do I like this or that? I feel I won’t put up with much anymore. People who suck, suck. I can’t change them, I have a choice how much I want to interact with them, If at all. It feels awesome to not let the obsessive, judgemental self condemnation thoughts I used to be consumed with are falling from me like layers of an onion. I refuse to just live in ego, It is miserable to live in rules that you accepted at one point and now don’t.
I was talking to one of my best girlfriends last night that I had met through a 12 step program. We both are determined to keep working through our shit from the past, that seems to still affect our current decision making on levels that disturbs us to the point that we go through more therapy and groups. It is tiring to do the work.  So I will return to the circle of support as I know well. My hope is to add to the rich healthy friendships I have gained through these groups.
Someone told me I am like Marla from the fight club with my 12 step groups and nicotine addiction.  Whatever makes you move on.
Namaste ♡


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