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Paradoxes

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It truly is bizarre to feel the range of emotions in grief and how quickly these feelings can dramatically change at any given time.
The paradox of emotions felt this morning of high elation that there is a new life to look forward too and celebrating my granddaughter coming, today at her baby shower. Knowing in 6-8 weeks this beautiful little girl will be here. Thoughts of what her tiny face might look like. Remembering how sweet babies smell after their baths and snuggles with them in their Jammies after giving them their nightly milk. The hope and joy of new life.
The sorrow that feels so heavy and painful in the Permanence of the end of my father’s life. He will never hold his great grand child, see her features that mimic his or walk her through kindergarten graduation,  or be a father figure in her life.
The tears are countless for the pain that has seemed to have ‘moved in’. As I journey through grief, the realization that what I thought grief was and what it truly is are very different. Death becomes a part of you,  a piece of your heart that doesn’t mend, you learn how to live with the pain not get over it.
The anger of grief is very frustrating to go through.  People breathe wrong and I loose my shit on them, for me personally, I take it on everyone, everywhere. Some people are capable of saving this emotion for people close to them, not me. The other day for example,  an exceptional trying day, I was angry furious and walking into the grocery store.
It is annoying to me that the grocery store entrance has turned into solicitor heaven on a regular basis. On my shitty day , a young man who was so eager about his solicitation,  he wasn’t even waiting for you at the entrance but chasing you down in the parking lot on your way inside. I saw this man approaching me from my peripheral vision.  I quickly turned as he started his speech and held my hand up and said screamed, ” If you step one foot closer to me I will rip your head off!”  He answered, ” yes mam, have a nice day.”
  The anger is valid and necessary but shocking, embarrassing and difficult, because it feels involuntary at times, just reacting like a burst hose.  You truly feel angry inside but it isn’t always logical or even equal to the angry reaction spewing from you. I apologize daily as I move through the anger portion of grief. UGH!
Life goes on. All of it will become part of my story and integrate into pieces of my patchwork quilt heart.

Namaste ♡

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