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Rants in the night

It’s almost one in the morning, I am wide awake.  Father’s Day has officially ended. I saw beautiful pictures on Facebook today of friends spending time with their dad’s,  today . I just feel like commenting on every one’s pics with dad,’ savor this moment, use every sense, like a delicacy.’

I miss my dad! I would give just about anything to see him again for 30 seconds. A big hug, a quick catch up on heaven and who’s there? I want to know he is happier than he was here on earth.

Tears just stream down my face as I process never seeing him again, ever. Tomorrow is Monday,  our day to talk on the phone. I have so much to tell him, six weeks worth.  A trip to Belize, turning forty. Having him ask, ” did you feed that snake, the mouse? Ugh, I hate snakes, shauna. ”  I can only try to remember his voice.  It is starting to fade. I call  my parents house phone to hear his voice on the mail greeting.  You lied on your message dad, you won’t call me back.

Right now it feels selfish to me, what my dad did. Maybe, because I can blame him for cheating me out of time with him, he was healthy,  not perfect, but living.  Does everyone feel this way with death? Cheated? I don’t know, I have never lost someone I loved so much , before. Does someone dying a natural death feel this bad?  I imagine the loss is the exact same. I blocked out emotions most of the day centering dad, I am thinking that is why I am awake at this hour, picking at my phone, crying and laughing at memories of him. I am bummed, I can’t share this story with him tomorrow, I can hear him laughing. 

We took my middle daughter to camp today, for what felt like a million miles away, driving.  She was driving.  We’ve talked about this subject.  She actually did great! Except once, taking a dirt corner at forty miles an hour.
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If I had worn my daisy dukes, I might have pulled my hair out of it’s messy bun, shaken it out,  rolled the window down and screamed with half my torso out of the car, “yehawww!” But my dread lock ,rasta, fifteen year old daughter was driving us to Christian camp, with minivans behind us with multiple fish emblems on them. So I behaved,  mostly due to lack of wardrobe. 
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Hubby ,however handled it maturaily and scolded her for pulling a dukes of hazard and not to repeat, ever again.

I would love to be a fly on that sanctuary wall. We are the most Mötley crew walking in, people get confused on who is the parent. Our daughter’s roommate living with us ,who is 22 , and myself ,got confused for high schoolers at the camp,  and than she got asked,” if she was my son’s mom?” It makes me laugh!

 
Thank the good Lord that my good friend and her family were there. We were able to chew on nicotine gum together through the endless camp sign in. She asked her hubby for the time? He replied loudly,” 4:20. ” I did a war woop.  No one laughed.  We live in Colorado,  weed is legal. It is funny! But we are at church camp and that is not appropriate behavior, and this is where me and the church go *kaboom*. I am real with Jesus ,so I am going to be real with people. I have gotten to a place that I am going to be genuine wherever I go.

I actually have so much respect for our junior/ senior high school youth leaders.  They have showed up for every trauma our family has gone through and have been there for my kids and our family!  Thank you!  ♡

I am reading this through,  wow. If you hung in there, you just got the emotional turbulence I live in or it’s now two in the morning and I should quit writing. I think both.

Namaste ♡

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