Ugh ,this day! I never had a thought about this day till December of last year. My middle daughter was in a high school shooting Friday, December 13th.
I am very aware of this day now and have anxiety about getting through this day and night, and it’s a full moon tonight. Yikes!
My heart is heavy today, not so much about this day, as that brings mostly anxiety. I have medication for that, anyways. I have a friend who is going through the fire.
In my experience with People, they seem to want to compare current shitty experiances, I hear a lot from people, ” it’s nothing like what you are going through, but….”. I respond by saying, “well, I guess if we are comparing, mine is worse?” How do you compare pain? It is bizarre. I will let you know personally that my pain does not need to top yours! That does not make me feel better, to know you acknowledge ,my life suck more than yours. I don’t think that way at all! Nor do most people going through whatever pain they are going through.
My friend is married to a man with bipolar disorder. They have four children together. I asked her permission to write about her life, she agreed and is very transparent about her struggles, and her faith that has held her family and life together for years, she has hope it will help other people by sharing her story.
Currently ,she has no contact with her husband. He is in the mania portion of the cycle of bipolar disorder. He turns to drugs during these times of mania, there has never been a drug of choice for him. He uses whatever drug is available to him, at the time. This is the fourth major episode their family has gone through with his mental illness. They have lost everything material and him being available ,in any way. They have been divorced. They have reconciled.
Bipolar is difficult because the mania is addictive. The high they chase is hard to wrangle. Many people with bipolar disorder, don’t experience the depressive lows as frequently as the mania. It becomes like a dog chasing it’s tail experience.
My father was opposite of my friend’s husband in his bipolar disorder, that he experienced the lows more. However, they share the same solution; drugs and alcohol, when not treated with medication for their disorder. Which always equals major ,epic, dramatic fall out with the law, finances and family problems. It is exhausting to live in these extremes.
My heart goes out to my friend as she becomes a single mom again, her financial state crumbling and her future unknown, again. She holds on to her faith through all of this. She is strong, she is stamped with the strength that most women don’t understand lives in them. This strength is only imprinted on people willing to walk in blindness, through trials of fires, that is what I call them, anyways. Trusting the whole time there is a divine plan.
We are being formed as vessels to pour out God’s love. It seems these trials make us release control,trust God, find peace, and change us to empathetic, loving beings.
Mental illness is real. It is hard. I knew something was wrong with her family ,a month a go. I saw a man at a busy corner, close to my home, holding a sign that read,” I know, get a job, you bum.” I didn’t have cash on me in my car but had a pack of cigarettes. He approached my car, I told him,” I don’t have cash but you can have this pack of smokes.” Our eyes met, I knew who it was immediately. He said,” I don’t smoke.” I drove away wondering if he was collecting money for their family or not? I found out he was out of the home during that time. He is in a treatment facility right now. My hope and prayers is that he can see the the last ray of light that is dimmering and fading out in hopes of his marriage and his children staying in his life.
I saw my friend yesterday. I gave her the squeeze hug that can only communicate what words cannot do. I love you, girl. We are being refined, sisters! I along with my friend share my story to bring hope to people going through pain, trauma, despair. There is a silver lining; it lives in the gratitude of small blessings that don’t go unnoticed.
A good hair day, a friendly wave or smile, an encouraging word, a beautiful flower blossom that sprung that up that morning, a hot shower you were present in, to feel the water wash down your hair. Our interactions are divine and beautiful. Remember you may be the only happy interaction someone had that day . Live this day as your last; it might be.