Beauty from ashes

I didn’t post anything yesterday because I had a hangover, that was so bad, I felt the only choice was to drink bloody Marys ,to get over the nausea to function and help mom with what feels like the never-ending task of making dad officially dead.
My best friend of 35 years came over Friday night. She knew my dad so well. I think his suicide affects her greatly. I told her,’ to pick up some wine on the way here’, mom and bff love white wine, she brought a box that we downed.  She stayed the night which was awesome,  I haven’t had a sleepover in twenty years with her.
My bff and I hung out in my room, where mom is staying with our glasses of wine, we reminisced about my dad, sharing memories with mom and mom filling us in on her thoughts and experiences with dad.  She said,” your mom and you look happy. ” We are happy to be together. 
Death has given me a perspective of priorities and what my heart truly cares about.  Having mom live with me has been awesome, I feel like I am getting to know her on a level I haven’t felt since childhood. 
Spending time with people I love and talking about my dad and our relationships has new meaning of depths ,I would never know without going through this trial.
My bff is very forthcoming while drinking (truth serum).  Not unlike many people. She told me something I will never forget, ever! 
When I was 14 , I attempted suicide by drinking bleach. I was removed from my home to a children’s home after being released from the hospital. I stayed in the children’s home for four months. I received major therapy as well as family counseling and was put on suicide watch. Meaning,  I could never wear shoes and had to be supervised while showering if I choose to use a razor. I have never talked openly about this part of my life. There seems so much shame around admitting that I was in the same dark place my father battled for 46 years.
When I got out of the children’s home, we moved to a new town and school. My bff moved with me. My parents were willing to do that for me and so was she. I  got her into trouble and introduced her to smoking and drugs.  I feel bad for that. 😦
My bff told me Friday,” after you had hurt yourself,  I promised to take care of you, I have always loved you more.” She fulfilled that promise to me. She helped raise my oldest daughter till I married, when my daughter was 5. She told my daughter all the memories she had of her being little. She told my husband, ” I gave her to your care, when you married. ” These things I can never repay her for. That is love. That is friendship. Thank you ♡♥♡.
These things matter! She is one of those lifelong friends, you wrinkle and age, and loose your mind with, to become best friends all over again.
I have met and identify with people who have a death wish. Dad’s suicide makes me realize how much I am loved. I can’t believe his memorial was a week ago, yesterday. The church was exploding with people.  So many people loved him.
The voice of shame in suicide has to be broken. This life is HARD! I have battled depression and anxiety most of my life.  I have to be medicated for those things, I am not ashamed of that. It keeps me here and going.

What I am realizing is how important it is to tell people in your life,  ” how much they matter to you, how much you value and love them.” Also, you cannot undo words. Like a tube of toothpaste,  once squirted, you cannot put it back in the tube.
During this emotional time I tend to be emotionally reactive.  My tongue however feels tied from saying what I really want too, because I  know the hurt isn’t worth it.
During this time I see life going in the direction it wants.  It is about letting go. No matter the plans I have, it is going to work out the way it is supposed too. 
Step 3 in the twelve steps ; made a decision to turn our  will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 


2 thoughts on “Beauty from ashes

  1. I never knew that is why you left. I’m sorry. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most my life too so I totally get it. ❤

    I'm pretty sure I know who your BFF is and there is just nothing in the world more precious than a friend like that.

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