Yesterday was a terrible, awful no good, very bad day! My pregnant, sick daughter threw up 12 hours, everyone has hit this emotional place, that feels like stepping on a land mine, when someone is triggered . We are all exhausted, in counseling, snappy, over personalizing everything,reacting. I forget everything, I threw away the most important paperwork, and lost my phone. My husband retrieved the paperwork, that had been thrown away with junk mail, under a pile of Raven’s vomit in the trash. That is not me to forget like this. I am glad my 15 year old year old is willing to drive to get her permit hours in, she is done with school for the year. I figure we have a 50/50 survival rate between her inexperience driving and my catatonic state while driving. My counselor explained,’ brain function and trauma, the two sides of the brain are not communicating correctly’ and it is difficult!
I managed to piss hubby off to the point he slept at the drury inn, (appropriately named) last night. I am so triggered right now. The hubby mentioned on the car ride home from my son’s guitar concert,last night, ( which my son did amazing) we should make thank you cards with dancing figures with our heads on them for everyone who has helped us, which is countless people. I did that for our holiday card one year. I could have said in a rational tone,” that really isn’t appropriate under the circumstances, I would prefer to do something else.” Did I do that? No! I called him,’ an insensitive dick ‘, he wanted me to drop him off in the middle of the street. Mind you, this is all happening in my mom’s minivan with everyone in it.
I feel most people help us because they want to be supportive. They, I bet wouldn’t give a shit about a thank you note, let alone a happy, singing one. I sent a text to hubby at the dreary inn,” I am not okay, apparently you aren’t either, I love you, don’t want to fight, put yourself in my shoes, please.” He replied, ” love you, don’t want to fight, see you in the morning. ”
I had to sit my kids down and mom and explain that we are all upset, I reassured them hubby and I are not divorcing. I am glad he got space and his own bed! We are sleeping all over the place because mom is in our room right now.
Last night my daughter said, “mom, what do you need, for you?” The only thing I really wanted was to get into my car and play purple rain so loud, it would drown out my thoughts , and drive and drive. Chain smoking.Prince takes me there, immediately. That little, milky skinned, high pitched, emotionally able through his voice to dissect my pain and give it a name. I wonder if there is purple rain in heaven?
Instead I called my friend. I love her to pieces. She is what I call, my help me bury the body after it has been murdered by me, friend. We have been by each other’s side through hard shit! She has been my cheerleader for a long time. She said,” your blog has no filter on emotions, it is refreshing to read.” That embarrasses me because I have been taught tact and simultaneously I really don’t give a shit about having a filter. For what? To pretend? I love you, girl!
Self care is essential and almost unattainable because of sadness or too much to do, or someone to care for. No one is doing self care, just survival. Emotional support is essential! Writing every day is the other outlet, I have disciplined myself to do it for the written healing properties.
I talked to the v.a. psychologist yesterday who spoke at the funeral Saturday, he worked with my family when I was young, and he was dad’s first doctor who diagnosed his ptsd. He has suggested we do family therapy at some point due to the suicide and its impact on everyone in our family. I caught him up on the last twenty years from my perspective. He said, ” you remind me of how hard your dad worked, I have so much respect for you.”. I do not feel this way. I have tried, I have failed, I just keep getting up. It felt good to hear, he reassured me wasn’t blowing smoke up my ass.
We went to my parent’s house yesterday to get mom’ s things, which we forgot a million things. If you find yourself in a similar situation, take a notepad with you everywhere, keep it on your person. You cannot rely on your brain at all! We are learning that lesson the hard way.
I was looking at the calendar at my parent’s house to see if mom had stuff on it to write down. I saw dads sribbles of writing all over it. I started crying, I miss him. That is the hardest part of all of this; is being in his house with him everywhere. After that I am so spent emotionally. I have to do something different when I go over there. I don’t think we can afford too many stays at the dreary inn.
I hope today is better.
Here is another lesson I have learned: I am not in control! Let the day be what it is. Don’t fret because everything is divinely laid out no matter how fucked up that might look at the moment.