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Questions for the dead

Would you have taken your life if you knew your wife, my mother would be in the hospital today ,because she got into a head on collision yesterday, breaking her sternum , five ribs, and she has fluid around her heart? It was her fault dad, because we all live in a haze now. The irony of the divine, the women who hit mom had just lost her mom and was speeding with her dog in the car and in the hospital with injuries.

Would you have taken your life if you knew we can’t even bury you yet? We might have to wait ,dad, to see how mom’s going to do.

Would you have taken your life if you knew you broke your grandson’s spirit? My son , singing, happy, performing pleas all over the house. Now sullen, quiet and broken as he watched one by one his siblings, himself, and now grandma be hurt, you left during the worst time of his life, he grieves your loss greatly. It is not fair, dad. He is living with a new disease,  that was enough.

Would you have taken your life if you read every card, e-mail, and knew your memorial can barely fit the number of people coming because of how much they loved you and told how you affected their lives positively?

Would you have taken your life if you knew that mom may not want to go on without you?

Would you have taken your life if you knew your son in law, my husband has had to clean up your remains three times, so mom doesn’t find that? He is fucking traumatized.

Would you have taken your life if you knew my daughter and I had to climb your fence to unlock it so we could break into the dog door using your three year old neighbor and her dad? My daughter threw up during this too, because she walked by where you did this. The keys are with the totaled car. I have to get power of attorney. I can’t work,  dad, I have to help mom. I can’t work anyways, this is so fucked up right now.

Would you have taken your life if you knew that your granddaughter, My daughter is fighting to keep this pregnancy?  This is not fucking helping at all. She is throwing up more now more than ever. That was one of the relationships you left broken.

Would you have taken your life if you knew that your dog stayed by your body the whole time after your suicide? Mom takes her everywhere.  She was in the car accident and climbed under the drivers seat in fear. She was taken to a shelter,  she won’t leave a room in my house. She is traumatized.

Would you have taken your life if you knew mom can’t get over the guilt of leaving you that day to go to a doctor’s appointment?

Would you have taken your life if you knew how many people told me, “how strong I am”. I am not that strong dad, I feel so mad at you and I don’t want to keep going somedays because it’s fucking easier.

Would you have taken your life if you knew the pain you felt spread like a virus through our entire family?

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5 thoughts on “Questions for the dead

  1. Pingback: Questions for the dead | leftbraintendencies's Blog

  2. I feel the pain in your words. There is nothing I can say that will bring you comfort but I am listening and sending you all the love and healing energy I possibly can from here. ❤

  3. Suzy laas says:

    Love and healing power and energy coming your way from afar too! I can’t stop thinking about you. Be strong. Love love love.

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