Back to life, back to reality. It is a strange feeling how life goes on when you go through trauma. It is like living in parallel realities. One is happening in the world around you with people on time,at appointments, at work,having fun and the one that you seem to only exist in, which feels like a bubble without noise, time or schedules. My children have had to physically touch me when they are talking to me. I can be in my own universe deeply unaware of what they are saying. I was bad prior to this tragedy, my daughter is so frustrated it is worse but understands as best as she can.
I asked my counselor how long to take off work? No one can tell me that answer. Including me. Every day I wake up to how I am that moment. I am going back today because I need to move on and have a break (distraction) from this repeated loop thinking about dad and him taking his life. It has been 7 days now. I will join the consciousness living universe today.
Last Tuesday my huge 50 year old black walnut tree was cut down in the front yard, the exact day and time of Dad’s suicide. All the walnut trees all over the nation are getting thousand canker disease. It is too coincidental to think that wasn’t a divine sign to remember him by.
I am looking forward to focusing on other people and topics that are happening in the world. Mostly, I feel numb. I think your body does that so you can go on and get through the memorial and logistics of all that needs to happen when someone passes.
Today I am grateful my father is not suffering, for my amazing family and friends. I am thankful for all the messages of condolences on facebook and cards and flowers from people who love me. Thank you! It means so much to me and my family. 🙂