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Point of grace

I found myself driving with my sunroof open with gently falling snow coming down, my bose sound system full blast,  I drive an audi and find it comforting to blare music while driving fast, screaming and sobbing mixed together coming out of mouth. Not screamo, scrobbing, maybe?  Since my father’s suicide,  I go numb frequently. It helps me feel somehow doing this.

We met with the priest to go over details of the memorial on this shitty snowy morning.  Isn’t it May? My son will be singing amazing grace,acappella. He has the voice of an angel.  I will be writing and speaking on behalf of my family. I will also be taking an anti anxiety pill to perform this duty. I really have not worked on that, yet. Still grieving to the point that my words won’t  form. I hope I get over that soon.

Tonight I will work on his shadowbox. I went to the army surplus store with his army papers to get his medals.  We cannot find them. I started sobbing at the counter when the woman behind the the counter said,” He has eight medals of honor.”  She asked,”are you okay?” I told her about him taking his life. She said, ” it happens more than I care to share, with veterens.”  Seems fucked up to serve your country and get all these medals and then shoot yourself because you can never forget about it. I will never understand.

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How I will always remember dad

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