I just looked at my stats. I have had 157 views today. The WordPress day has strange hours so I don’t know what time that count began. Thank you for reading my blog. I have to be honest and tell you that I am shocked at how many people read my post and don’t like it or comment. It is a lot the feeling of not talking about the elephant in the room, or you all are curious about suicide. Either way it leaves me wondering. My friends say,’ suicide is taboo, people don’t know how to talk about it’. It is healing to hear about memories of dad, or even details of the suicide. I don’t care, I have to talk.
I experienced that in my post ‘a warriors mothers cry’. You can find that on my home page. I had 350 views of that post. My daughter was in a high school shooting in December. Few comments were made.
This suicide of my dad is our fourth crisis in five months. I wrote all about it in earlier posts, if you are interested in reading, they are all on my homepage, click on leftbraintendencies and it will take you to all of them.
I am not writing for stats. I am pouring my heart out because I know it will help in the healing process. I hope it heals whoever is reading this, who is need of that. I have so much closure seeing my dad’s body yesterday. I don’t feel the same today. I feel I can move on, something lifted. The despair was removed.
That is what is happening right now. Who knows what next? Time stopped the moment I heard he had killed himself. I don’t know what time it is or what the date is or the day itself. I forget who I just dialed to call because I talk 24/7 to friends and people who knew dad. I just have to do what is essential for the day. Sometimes the written word is the only outlet that suffices.
I tried to contact my ex husband who was close to my dad via Facebook. He deleted his account. I sent a message through Facebook to a close friend of his giving my contact info and the urgency to talk to him. I got a text from my ex husband, Bill, we will call him, because that is his name. I called and talked to him for a long time and let him know he was welcome to the memorial. Bill and I parted ways well. I don’t have any hard feelings. We were young.
I am going today to buy my mom a amethyst bracelet with my dad’s birthday inscribed and his death, for mothers day. I think it’s supposed to fucking snow tomorrow. I don’t know but we will all be together as a family which we haven’t done in years. This suicide has broken every barrier and defensiveness to its knees. Grudges are gone. Pettiness of drama is put in perspective.
My blog has the theme of whatever is going on in my life. Suicide is what’s up right now.Feel free to express yourself in a reasonable manner.