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Word therapy

I just looked at my stats. I have had 157 views today. The WordPress day has strange hours so I don’t know what time that count began.  Thank you for reading my blog. I have to be honest and tell you that I am shocked at how many people read my post and don’t like it or comment.  It is a lot the feeling of not talking about the elephant in the room, or you all are curious about suicide.  Either way it leaves me wondering.  My friends say,’ suicide is taboo, people don’t know how to talk about it’. It is healing to hear about memories of dad, or even details of the suicide.  I don’t care, I have to talk.

I experienced that in my post ‘a warriors mothers cry’. You can find that on my home page. I had 350 views of that post. My daughter was in a high school shooting in December. Few comments were made. 

This suicide of my dad is our fourth crisis in five months.  I wrote all about it in earlier posts, if you are interested in reading, they are all on my homepage,  click on leftbraintendencies and it will take you to all of them.

I am not writing for stats. I am pouring my heart out because I know it will help in the healing process. I hope it heals whoever is reading this, who is need of that. I have so much closure seeing my dad’s body yesterday.  I don’t feel the same today. I feel I can move on, something lifted. The despair was removed. 

That is what is happening right now. Who knows what next? Time stopped the moment I heard he had killed himself.  I don’t know what time it is or what the date is or the day itself.  I forget who I just dialed to call because I talk 24/7 to friends and people who knew dad. I just have to do what is essential for the day. Sometimes the written word is the only outlet that suffices.

I tried to contact my ex husband who was close to my dad via Facebook.  He deleted his account.  I sent a message through Facebook to a close friend of his giving my contact info and the urgency to talk to him. I got a text from my ex husband, Bill, we will call him, because that is his name. I called and talked to him for a long time and let him know he was welcome to the memorial.  Bill and I parted ways well. I don’t have any hard feelings.  We were young.

I am going today to buy my mom a amethyst bracelet with my dad’s birthday inscribed and his death, for mothers day.  I think it’s supposed to fucking snow tomorrow.  I don’t know but we will all be together as a family which we haven’t done in years. This suicide has broken every barrier and defensiveness to its knees. Grudges are gone. Pettiness of drama is put in perspective.

My blog has the theme of whatever is going on in my life. Suicide is what’s up right now.Feel free to express yourself in a reasonable manner.

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16 thoughts on “Word therapy

  1. I know for me – I rarely comment on blogs, even the ones that really move or inspire me. I’m guessing a lot of folks just don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything. I tend to get tongue-tied trying to find the perfect words – as if the words themselves are what actually make a difference and forget that sometimes it’s more important to just say – something. xoxo ❤

    • Noba Dee says:

      I’m in the same boat; I read a lot of posts from people I follow every week. I just sometimes don’t have it in my to create what I would consider an adequate response. In fact, I might even attempt to write one and fumble it up a few times before I give up. I am normally pretty insightful; but, sometimes it seems like some thoughts just need a nod or a hug, rather than a verbal reply and I can’t do that online.

      • Yes, I get it. I got used to big numbers and not caring about responses. It is all about the need to get it out. I am not sure what I would say to someone going through this without the experience.
        I was wondering if you were okay, I haven’t seen you for a while around WordPress. Glad you are 🙂

      • Noba Dee says:

        I have been lingering in a reclusive cycle for a long time. I normally crawl out of it after a few weeks and get back into life; but, this is something different. When I am like this, I struggle communicating with other people. It’s like my brain is in a deep fog and all though a statement might be on the tip of my tongue, I can’t quite get it out. So, I remain very quite and keep to myself. I have so much going on in my head; but, I feel like writing about much of it would just be beating a dead horse. I crave new experiences to refresh my mind and soul; but, I’ve been stagnating inside of my lair, away from life. The solution isn’t as easy as just stepping out the front door and anyone who struggles with repression, understands this well. I have been reading your posts though; I usually just click like, because I can’t compose a rational response. lol

  2. I tried 34 times to commit suicide and each time with the intent to do it.your husbands prayers are what saved my life in my last attempt,because while he was praying he suddenly thought of the place to look for me and they found me.if he had not thought of that place I’d be dead.my organs were already shutting down.i had been in a coma from an overdose for three days already when the police found me.my heart had stopped several times on the way to the emergency room.i was in icu for a month and a half.my heart had stopped so many times the first few weeks i was there but they were able to keep it going.it was not my worst attempt,but it changed my outlook after i came to and realized i was still alive.i had to learn new behaviours so i wouldn’t think about attempting again.now what keeps me going is my son.when i get really depressed my mind won’t conceive such thoughts,i am learning to focus and fight through the pain,and it gets really hard.suicide is a very misconceived way of handling things,because most people have never crossed that line.they may have thought of it,but it’s different when one puts it into action.it really changes everything,and the hardest part is handling everybody’s questions and emotions afterwards,because it does affect them.it’s hard not to see it as selfish,because in certain moments it’s the only option our minds consider.my heart really goes out to you guys,because it’s a suicide and a lot harder to accept than cancer or some other terminal illness or heart attack.i am glad though it is bringing your family together and changing perspectives.i hope you all continue to find peace.

  3. cpear says:

    First there are no words one can say to heal your pain and suffering and for that I’m sorry. We lost my father in law 5 years ago to suicide and the emotions that still linger are still full of questions and sadness. Then 2 months later my daughter lost one of her best friend’s to suicide. Just as her healing began and she began to breathe again she started her freshman year at csu this year and unfortunately lost two more friends to suicide in the dorms. One of which sent her a text moments before he took his life. The pain and emptiness she feels breaks my heart and for all of the friends and family left behind. We find ourselves finding the moments that bring joy and hold them now a little longer and tighter and imagine they are there with us and it seems to help. We have found that it is good to talk and important to live and laufh even if it hurts. Don’t stop talking and when you find yourself alone dont let your mind stay in the darkness. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

  4. I write for therapy too! It really helps get it all out on the page and I really appreciate your honesty. I hope your memories bring you comfort at this difficult time.

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