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Some kind of Closure

Driving in the car to the funeral home I found myself crying and praying for strength to see my dad’s body.

The funeral home called and told me they could show me his face. They were able to make it look presentable. I was  trying to picture in my mind what he might look like the whole car trip there.

We walked through the doors of the funeral home  and greeted by the nicest people. Professional, understanding.  We had to sign papers to touch my dad because he was not embalmed.  He is being cremated, so no need for that. Communicable diseases disclosure. 

We were lead down a hallway that was decorated by crosses made of wood and iron . We stopped in front of a wooden double door. 
He opened the door to reveal my dad’s body under a blanket with his hands folded over the blanket, he was on a gurney with a sheet over it. I took a deep breath as I looked at his face.
It looked the same except he had a black eye, his mouth and left side of his cheek were mangled a bit but the funeral person had done a good job with presentation of the wound. The right side of his face was fine. His eyes looked peaceful.  His skin looked really good.

I took the blanket off and saw his clothes and shoes. His green shirt with a psalm about his soul longing for the Lord. His jean shorts. He had white socks with his blue birkenstock sandals. He had a hat on. I am assuming that was on purpose. The bullet he choose was a snake bullet.  It explodes everything it touches. There was no exit wound, the damage was all internal. I am assuming that he put the hat on just in case something went wrong and he didn’t want to leave a mess of brains everywhere.

  He was like touching ice. My hands were red from how cold he was. I felt like I was with a wax sculpture. Him not breathing or his chest moving up and down. His eyes never opening. You know they are dead but this is the only way you know them, in their physical body. I just kept feeling like he would respond to something I was saying, or touching his arm. Nothing!

It gave me closure. He is not in that lifeless, freezing body. What I needed I got. It was the shock of it suddenly being over that was making me stuck. I got to say goodbye today. I got to say a lot of things to him. I got mad and told him, ” you are missing me turn 40, you are missing my grand baby and your great grand baby being born in August, my kids graduating high school. I screamed that no one can fill his shoes”. I cried, I hugged him, I took pictures of him and with him. Right before I left ,I kissed his forehead and told him, ” I love you, pappa”. I am so glad I went.

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18 thoughts on “Some kind of Closure

  1. Maybe Shauna, though partly my tears are for me too and the loss I will never feel when my own father passes. You had him and you lost him…I’ve never had mine, he’s always been there, just…unavailable…

    • Yes, these things tend to trigger many things in many people. You are right, I knew him and loved him. I am fortunate for that. The missing part is the unbearable pain.
      I am sorry that you don’t have that connection. 😦

  2. I know how hard it is to bear ————i have experience of seeing them the last time last ————my tears are there to say that life is so short—–please move on—- regards and hugs

  3. Very powerful. Short and poignant. I struggled with heavy suicidal thoughts soon after I got sober for good, and even with a wife and young boy, I couldn’t think of anything else. The black cloud of the mind envelops all. We don’t think of the people we would leave behind. I am so sorry to hear about this. Very sad…but you have that some sort of closure. More will be revealed, I suppose.
    Blessings,
    Paul

  4. I’m glad you got closure.suicide is so hard.it opens up many questions.having attempted suicide so many times in my life,it’s hard to see the impact it has on other people and the questions they have.the mental anguish gets to be like having cancer or a disease with immense pain,only no one can see it.i cried a lot when i read your story of jack.part tears of joy at your peace,part sadness over your loss.losing someone close is never an easy path.closure is a gift.i love you guys.

  5. Marilyn E. says:

    Shauna, that was so beautifully written. I am sorry you had to write it. I will miss Jack, too. I talked to him in February, I think, and he sounded so up then. Love, Marilyn

  6. I was so sorry to hear of your loss. You write beautifully about him and I can really feel how much you loved him and how much you are grieving. ❤

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