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The weight of pain

I am listening to this song over and over, the chorus repeatedly singing, ” burning all the bridges,  burning all the bridges now, and were burning all the bridges.” My dad left every relationship the way it was. Good or bad. He walked over the last bridge he will ever experience in this life crossing to the next. I know he wasn’t thinking about the relationships when he ended his life, only that he felt it would improve them. If he saw the wake of brokenness he left behind,  I wonder if he would have done it?

I awoke with this weight of pain. I have never actually felt my heart be weighted with sadness to this point. It is debilitating.  I am the strong one in the family.  Do I push myself through and do what needs to be done practically?

You see,  I cannot.  I need to go hold my dead father’s hand today. I can’t go on not feeling his skin one more day.

I called the coroner yesterday to go see my father’s body. In my state they don’t do that. He talked to me about my father’s injuries and how he had committed suicide.  He told me that it was the decision of the funeral home if the body is viewable or not.

We went yesterday to the funeral home. They informed me that his face won’t he viewable.  I figured that talking to the coroner. My mom had to sign to release his body to the funeral home. He will arrive in his cremation box. I will be able to view his body. I am the only apparent morbid person in my family who needs to experience this. I will go pay 400 $ to hold my dad’s hands one more time. I need this. I don’t know why. I really can’t explain it but the need keeps rising to see his body one last time.
My husband is fulfilling his marital duty beyond expectations I could dream of. He cleaned up my father’s remains, because they don’t do that after a suicide, he did not want my mom seeing it .   He waters my mom’s lawn and is taking out her trash. He is being a super husband.  He will come today and most likely hold me physically up. Fuck! Where is that in your vows?

This is the most confusing, sad, fucked up experience I have yet to go through in this life.

Today is bad, tomorrow might be better.  I told my son that it is a rollercoaster of emotions. He will have a bad day, someone will be up to support. He will be better and have to hold one of us up. It is a day at a time. Sometimes you can’t talk enough and then there are the shutdown completely days.  It is awful to feel this pain, I hope I get something out of today, closure.

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2 thoughts on “The weight of pain

  1. Utmost respect for your man, he is an inspiration and an awesome example to the father of your soon to be grandchild. Your pain will pass, for now it is enough that you let it wash over you. Love Loyalty Honour & Respect REDdog

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