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The blame game

It is strange to me that when I don’t feel good, I often want to blame someone.  For some bizarre reason, I can’t just say, ” I am fucked up right now.”  There is fault in every person,  so it easy to look at that and justify blame.  In the end, I am the common denominator of my unhappiness. I even have legitimate reasons for not feeling or being okay.

If I make a conscious decision to use wise mind and bring reason in with the emotional thoughts,  I will be okay,  right? I have not experienced that. I feel deeply all the pain of those emotions and that has nothing to do with my mind.

Something is changing.  Yesterday, my hubby had lunch with my ex best friends husband. I have not spoken to her in 2 years. We had a falling out during a time when my oldest child was loosing her mind. In retrospect, I see how fragile of a state I was in at that time. I have thought about her a lot over the past couple years. Our daughters are still best friends.

I called her yesterday, it went really well.  Life has a way of kicking our asses into what we need to be. She told me that her disk ruptured in her back, leaving her bedridden for a year. She got addicted to pain pills. She said, ” I was meant to go through this, because I have never been able to have empathy. ” she is better. It is crazy what time heals. We are getting together soon, I never thought I would talk to her again.

It makes me relise that we are all just human, doing this life the best we can. I am just going to say, ” I don’t feel good.” That is the truth. I don’t need to blame.  The end.   

Things I am grateful for: I have today off from work. Our loan is closing, after 3 months of ridiculous requests.  Yay!

Rant of the day: Teenagers are difficult to live with. We might start a no talking rule in the morning.  I understand school starts ridiculously early, hormone levels are high in the morning.  I have two of them like this. It is agonizing to have morning drama daily. 

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