Morrissey, singing in my head; ” every day is like Sunday, every day is is silent and grey.” Weird to have that song playing on repeat in my brain, in spring. Birds are chirping and tulips brilliant colors of reds and yellow are springing up in gardens.
In therapy yesterday we were talking about change. I have been in my same career for 21 years. I am done with it. I was glad to hear I had ‘healthy thinking’ as I am working through the process of
doing something different, or if I have to stay in hair I am doing something completely different, possibly education.
I have wanted to move to Belize. We are going in June for my 40th birthday, to visit. After my daughter was in a high school shooting in December, I have had the desire to flee. Fight or flight, I suppose. My counselor told me I will be stuck in trauma, if I don’t match the emotional thoughts with equal parts truth of the brain. I feel I am moving toward that. I am no longer dead set on moving out of the country. However, something must change that helps me move forward.
Balance is difficult to find in all the swirling emotions. I feel differently than my therapist that anxiety is symptom of not matching the brain correctly, emotion to rational. I feel anxiety is feeling terrible emotions that you need to get out. When trauma happens to you, you physically take it on first. Then slowly you feel the emotions of the traumatizing events. While feeling those emotions you can process with rational brain, but your body also has to release the trauma. I have been running almost daily. It releases this overwhelmingness I live in perpetually.
Time to go run. Have a good day.