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Easter bunny: minus one this year :(

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This is last years Easter photo of our family.  It will be our first Easter without my oldest child ( far left back).  I am sad, mourning that my child is an adult now. I need to send her Easter basket through the mail. Boo hoo!

She moved to California in December.  She is pregnant with grand baby # 1. I am excited that she let me give the little one it’s middle name, ‘kai’, it means ocean.  We find out tomorrow the sex of the baby. My daughter has had a terrible pregnancy and has been sick the whole time. I am so more interested in the baby being healthy,  than its sex.

It has been difficult to not be physically there for my daughter,  during all of this. We talk every day ,but it’s not the same.

She is coming home in June for her baby shower.  She has so many friends that I am not sure my backyard is going to big enough. I will go out to California when baby comes.

I love my mom. She is just hands off. She never helped me with any of my children after they were born. I just don’t have a model to follow.  My daughter and I are close. She doesn’t understand that what I do is trial and error.  I have ideas of how to help when baby comes, that doesn’t mean it will be perfect.

This leads us to problems. I have to communicate and ask questions.  I have to tell her my goals and what she can expect from me. I have to be clear in myself about that as well. I am a Gemini,  the sign of the twins. I live in eternal paradoxes.  I am working on that so that it is not confusing and frustrating to deal with me.

I talk about this openly because this is relationships. Who ever we are relating too, it is imperative to understand each other.

It is bizarre to move into an adult relationship with your child.  You love them and you know sometimes that the path they are on is tough. I am learning to listen and just encourage, instead of telling her what to do or admitting fear about her decisions.

I remember being her age. I thought I knew it all and my parents were out of touch. I moved across the world to Europe to get away from my parents.  It is healthy to separate from your parents.  I have empathy for my parents, as I put them through a lot. Without the journey you just don’t see it. I know now my parents made the best decisions based on the information they had at the time.  

Times change parenting.  The expectations my parents had is not the same as today’s standards. It has been healing to understand this in my relationship with my parents. I just love them for who they are and not for how I want them to be. I hope my daughter and I get there someday.  Her path of parenthood is about to begin.  Nothing gives you perspective like living it. Hypothetically we are all amazing parents.  My friends and I joke about how many therapy hours we have accumulated for our kin. There is hope in knowing you did the best you could, apologize for what you know you did wrong in hindsight. We are imperfect humans raising imperfect humans. 

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