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Frick and Frack

I was just talking to a friend on the phone.  I love her because she always assures me I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life and in my varying emotional states.

We met in a 12 step group 6 years ago. I will never forget her words that made me decide she was going to be my friend.  As we sat in our circle she spoke up and said” people stay away from burning buildings but I run into them”. I identified immediately.

Do you have someone like that in your life? A life cheerleader?  That friend that sits beside you on your cliffs of life holding your hand and reassuring you it is a perfect disaster. Reminding you there is a reason why you are  going through the lows of life and reminding you  the lows grow us and are as necessary as the highs of life. They know because they have lived life.

We talk endlessly about spiritual awareness.  I have been on this fast for 9 days. I called her after calling my counselor. I have been experiencing anxiety on levels that feel debilitating. They both told me it was my fast and a consequence to that. I have to tell myself that the anxiety I feel, is due to the fast and not as real as it feels. Neither of them told me to end the fast but to be in awareness it is triggering anxiety.

The thing I love about my friend is she goes to the root of an issue. She asked, ‘what the anxiety felt like?’ I told her,’ it was like a drowning feeling’. We talked about the fact that I had gone through severe trauma in December.  She assured me this is part of processing the fear. I always leave our conversation feeling full emotionally and accept a part of myself that I was struggling with.

The fast has created a hyper sense of everything.  I feel I am wearing self awareness goggles. I was telling my friend that I feel like I moving to grey.

I feel like I have joined churches,  12 step groups in hopes of finding a like minded community. There is a lot of black and white thinking in these systems.  I have moved into a understanding that systems create systems, not community.  I just want to hang out with people experiencing life, not telling me what to do with it or how to feel about it. I feel I can relate to people because I have experienced life, I have made my mistakes,  I have grown too. I think it is strange our society cares so much about we do. That is a goal for my friend and I ;to join groups with similar interests.  To experience organic relationships that are not about telling each other what to do, just to have the experience doing something with someone else. Grey means acceptance.  We are all fucked up. Amen.

I do feel that change is on the way. I also feel like I am emotionally still back in December. I am not sure why it is so difficult for me  to accept where I am ,at times. I believe I am learning to accept myself,  good and bad, on this fast.

It is difficult to process through trauma. The feelings are intense. I had two clients in Saturday ,whose children were in the high school shooting with my daughter in December. None of us are okay. Yet. I am really struggling with the desensitized measures we have to live by to send our kids to school. My husband and I frequently fear ,that could be the last time we see our children when we take them to school. “Time is my friend”, says my counselor. So is my bestie that knows what I am going through because she too has struggled and gotten back up.

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