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Refining

Day six of my cleanse. People ask me if I am doing this cleanse/fast for my health or my spirituality?  My intention for doing this is my health.  However,  towards the end of these cleanses, it does become spiritual.

Not in the sense that I am lighting candles, or reciting mantras. When your bodily urges are ignored to eat, some kind of spiritual clarity comes in. It  is subtle, it feels like putting on a light, airy, comfortable shirt. You don’t notice you are wearing it because it is so light with no discomfort.  The connection to hear and feel God is sliding on that shirt. It becomes part of you.

It is an awareness for me to know God is there. There isn’t the static that seems to be there a lot.

I went through the hardest time I can ever remember in my life in December.  My middle daughter was in a high school shooting. She was not physically harmed.  My son was diagnosed with diabetes type 1, three days following the shooting.  My oldest daughter became ill and hospitalized and told she had serious health problems and she was pregnant a few weeks following that diagnosis.

I spent much time in shock over these events. Then I got pissed. I shook my fist at God. I then went into a depression for a short time, followed by the bargaining step of grief. That is the step of ,I should have done this or that to prevent all these things.

I believe this fast has brought me to the last stage of grief, acceptance.  There is something about knowing that there are reasons these things happened. Even if I don’t understand them now, or maybe ever.

A friend of mine reminded me in old Jewish customs, they would put on sack cloth and put ashes all over themselves and fast and cry out to God in times of sorrows. I thought about that a lot. My relationship with God is real in the sense that I don’t pretend I am mad at him or don’t trust him.

This cleansing experience has made me realise I am being refined.  The impurities need to be removed. I am left with a feeling of peace that I can trust even if I don’t understand. It brings me hope.

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