This is my best friend of 35 years. We met in kindergarten.  She loved to play in the dirt and play with bugs, sometimes even eating them. We grew up in a small mountain town. The kind of town with many bars, and old 1800’s architecture.  It was an old mining town. There wasn’t much to do in this town. We came up with our own games, and spent a lot of time outdoors. We skied every weekend and snuck out of each houses to meet up with boys. She lived with me our freshman year of high school when moved to another town. That is how tight we were, I couldn’t handle a move without her. We ran away together, which I should tell that story in another post. We met each other in Europe as we got older. She is the Godmother of my oldest child. We have never lost touch.

Friday at 3am, she fell down her stairs and broke her right wrist and got a brain hemorrhage.  I went to see her at the hospital. She was alone. I couldn’t believe her husband went to work.  She was in a lot of pain and she was having memory problems,  not a good sign. I brought her some mint candy she wanted and lemonade.  Narcotics make you want that bite of flavor.

This morning she sent me this. I started crying.  It is strange that family and blood sometimes just don’t show up for us. The older I get the more  I realise how important my friends are. She has been there for me always. Especially after the shooting, diabetes, and  pregnancy my children went through at the same time. This woman has moved my shit countless times.


She told me she was going back to work.  I told her she was bat shit crazy. When you have brain trauma,  your brain needs to rest intellectually. She learned the hard way, when she went back and lost it.  Thankfully her butt is in bed and resting.

It is interesting how the universe has a plan. It is not our plan. Sometimes it tells us to stop everything immediately!  We don’t understand why? Things are not by chance. I am truly learning to let go more of my plans.  Things will be exactly what they are supposed to be. The trick is believing.  People are in your life for a reason, season, or lifetime.  She is my lifetime friend. ♥


Ranting on deaf ears

The opposite of love is not hate
but indifference.

Be happy that there is feelings of animosity,  because once that is gone, it is over.

Don’t mistake my kindness or ability to empathize, to not move to this state of blah with you.

Be hot or cold or be thrown up and out.



I mentioned that I talked to my ex best friend this week in my last post. We ended up going to their house last night.

They live about 30 minutes from us, near a super small town. The classic image of an old country store, railroad tracks smack dab, in the middle of this if you blink your eyes to long you will  miss this cute ,tiny town. A burger bar known for its plain burgers, it has a sign inside that reads,”  this is not burger king you cannot have it your way burger”.  My parents love that place. A couple store fronts with a garden variety of antique lawn ornaments and country accents for your home.

As you pass this town, you drive on a windy road that goes up to their home on a hill. Briar patches, horse stables, retreat homes, ranches and barns surround the hillsides on both sides of this curvy road. We turn off the asphalt road to a dirt road that has been washed out by the rain. A bumby ride as we enter their gates, that have their last name inscribed on wood surrounded by garland. We pull into the driveway.

  I was nervous, I kept telling myself that I didn’t need to be reactive or take things personal.  I haven’t seen her in 2 years. Our phone conversation had gone well the other day. Yesterday,  actually I talked to her by phone about the plans of the evening. Our husbands had been communicating and that became a shitshow along with my daughter calling their daughter.  So we clarified the situation as women are better at.

We walked up these giant wooden stairs to their door, to be met by a giant saint Bernard, ‘ufta’ is his name. My friend held the door open with a beer in hand. That made me feel better that she was drinking and felt equally awkward about us reuniting, I assumed. 

Later to find out she had been drinking because one of her great Pyrenees had scared the neighbors shitless. She went to deliver flowers and a card to them to apologise.  As she was at their door sincerely saying ,”sorry” for her dogs behaviour,  her dog ran up barking at the neighbors again. She had been drinking long before we got there. She smiled at me, I gave her an awkward hug. Her home was beautiful, 4500 square foot mountain home. I told her, “your home is amazing.” Beautiful mountain views out their living room windows. four Himalayan / ragdoll mix cats were perching on the floor and couch.

They walked us out back of their home to see the llamas, sheep, baby sheep , chickens and goats. 2 great Pyrenees to guard all these animals, approached us happily. One of whom is guilty of being naughty and scaring the neighbor. Outdoor cats, running around the hillside that has a stone path and  brilliant flowers everywhere  .

It is mountain living. Coyotes and mountain cats roam these parts. It is normal to shoot animals that post a threat.  They butcher their lambs and sell their sheep.  Totally different living. She has planted fruit trees and a garden. They are self sustainable. 

I met my friend through our girls becoming friends in elementary school. She thought I was a bitch, so she never talked to me. She later told me,” you would jog up in your burley trailer to pick up your daughter,  and you had a look on your face like you like you were better than us other moms.” I am terrified of women,  my mom and I didn’t have conflict growing up. I hate drama with women!  She was probably getting a terrified look. Somehow we managed to work that out, however whenever she introduced me to someone she would tell them, ” I thought Shauna was a bitch before I knew her.” Somehow it felt like a permission from her, if her friend didn’t like me right away ,neither did she. Like its a natural response from everyone who comes into contact with me. Maybe, that is not was meant,   but that is how I took it. It is the frequency that she did it that reassured the thought.

She is brash in her communication.  East coast mentality. I am not like that at all. That is where we bumb heads. She is friendly and laughs a lot. Her strong suite.  I feel I was a little guarded in conversation.  I let her and her hubby do the talking.

I was blown away by all the animals everywhere. The house is massive to not feel the presence of a saint bernard as a big deal. Plenty of room.  She has a greenhouse growing 19 different kind of tomatoes.  They are just so interesting to me that all the drama in their lives involves animals. It gave me an  overwhelming  feeling to me the responsiblity it must take to take care of all the animals. 

They have a huge storage shed? I am not sure if that is the right description but a metal structure that is massive in size. The kids played in there the entire night, blasting music. They are all teens. It felt reassuring that they as parents were experiencing the same frustrations we were parenting teens. I was reminded that is what I liked about our friendship was all of our kids got along. It feels good to me to know I am not alone in the parenting frustrations i have.  Misery loves company,  ha!

It went really well and we all had a good time. She wants to talk soon. I feel good about it. I am not ready to rush back to to daily talking on the phone like we used too. I am open to a relationship again.

Thanks for reading. I am practicing my storytelling more in depth. I have been reading a lot lately and wanted to try elaborating details. I welcome comments. 


A husband’s secret: awesome

I just finished reading the husband’s secret. Wow!  I love books that have multiple stories going on that collide at the finale. This is a great read!

It got me to thinking about how well do you really know someone? . Only to the extent of how much they tell you. We all have secrets, for one reason or another it is kept hidden.  Small or big, we all have them.

It also got me to thinking about choices. What would life be like if I had made other choices?  The ones I have made may have been perfect, after all.

A book that makes me think, is one I will always recommend.

Happy Friday to you.


The blame game

It is strange to me that when I don’t feel good, I often want to blame someone.  For some bizarre reason, I can’t just say, ” I am fucked up right now.”  There is fault in every person,  so it easy to look at that and justify blame.  In the end, I am the common denominator of my unhappiness. I even have legitimate reasons for not feeling or being okay.

If I make a conscious decision to use wise mind and bring reason in with the emotional thoughts,  I will be okay,  right? I have not experienced that. I feel deeply all the pain of those emotions and that has nothing to do with my mind.

Something is changing.  Yesterday, my hubby had lunch with my ex best friends husband. I have not spoken to her in 2 years. We had a falling out during a time when my oldest child was loosing her mind. In retrospect, I see how fragile of a state I was in at that time. I have thought about her a lot over the past couple years. Our daughters are still best friends.

I called her yesterday, it went really well.  Life has a way of kicking our asses into what we need to be. She told me that her disk ruptured in her back, leaving her bedridden for a year. She got addicted to pain pills. She said, ” I was meant to go through this, because I have never been able to have empathy. ” she is better. It is crazy what time heals. We are getting together soon, I never thought I would talk to her again.

It makes me relise that we are all just human, doing this life the best we can. I am just going to say, ” I don’t feel good.” That is the truth. I don’t need to blame.  The end.   

Things I am grateful for: I have today off from work. Our loan is closing, after 3 months of ridiculous requests.  Yay!

Rant of the day: Teenagers are difficult to live with. We might start a no talking rule in the morning.  I understand school starts ridiculously early, hormone levels are high in the morning.  I have two of them like this. It is agonizing to have morning drama daily.