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Trying to find the in between fall back in love eventually

I love this song ,it is my ring tone. I love it because I am living this. Not trying it is happening.  I have filed for divorce to my husband 3 times and we have separated twice. The night before my middle daughter went to school and a student came in shooting, my husband for the first time said, ” let’s end it” and meant it.

Well the next day brought something we have never come up against. We came together for our daughter and went into shock together.  3 days later our son was hospitalized for diabetes 1. Again we stood together through this. A month later still processing through all that occurred,  our oldest child is pregnant. 

We have been to therapy,  read books, etc to help and save our marriage.  Now in the midst of these trials we are not fighting against each other. The expectations are dropped for survival.  We ask can you do this or that. Then we thank each other for doing it. I have gained weight and he knows how that bothers me and daily tells me how beautiful I am and how he has taken that for granted. 

I find it interesting that in between is where love lives. The grey area of life. All these expectations ruin marriage. We have been married 16 years. Even I cannot articulate into words what exactly happened.  I am so happy this has occurred and I clearly see why I love him through all these trials. 

I think it is because I am not focusing on what is wrong in our marriage because there is an overwhelming amount of needs to be met in our children. One has ptsd, one is emotionally trying to  get through dealing with a life long disease and one who is embarking on parenthood.  I understand for the first time how important it is to be together and be strong for our children together. 

I am positive I will be judged for all kinds of things I say in this but the truth is I don’t care. I listen to people and problems all day. Marriage is possibly the hardest endeavour any of us embark upon apart from parenting. Movies, songs, trauma, being human comes into expectations in marriage.  I do feel the older I get the less I think I know. 

In between and grey is where it’s at with lack of understanding.  The secret to marriage. 

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