I look outside through the window and everything is covered in white snow. It makes my life feel more palatable because the weather sucks, i struggle with feeling bad on gorgeous sunny days. I am sitting by my fireplace feeling physically and emotionally tired. I came down with the flu last Saturday and coughed so much last night I pulled all my stomach muscles.
I have never been through this much stress in my life at one time.
In December my middle daughter was in the Arapahoe High School shooting, 3 days later my son was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 and is on insulin for the rest of his life. My oldest daughter just found out last week she is pregnant and was told she was miscarrying. I flew her home to help her through that. We have been to the doctors and now it turns out the pregnancy is viable. So, life is changing now!
I made a really big decision for me today. I put a halt on work , I am a hairdresser, I do not have paid time off. I am usually booked 4-6 weeks out and I told my clients I have to not work and that I need to be here for my family right now. I have never been in this place where my entire being screams STOP.
I have written in journals my entire life,that is probably the appropriate place to write about all of this but the truth is I write. My imagination couldn’t even come up with what I am actually living in. I have always lived my life openly. I am not ashamed of my life. I am struggling right now but that is normal. There is something healing for me in writing and I know if I can continue regularly doing things that heal me I can get through this time.
I have been practicing for some time living and being present in the moment. I have also been practicing daily living. This I am grateful for during all these stressful situations because you go into shock. You can’t plan to far ahead because you don’t have the answers right now. Daily and minute living helps come up with goals for the day. That is honestly all I can handle right now.
It is difficult for me to be spiritual through this experience right now. Apart from knowing that something bigger than me exists. I have been in the church for years and that doesn’t work for me anymore. Fear cannot be the reason I believe. Every major religion thinks they are right and exclusive. I have found my people in 12 step programs more than churches. I find that working the steps is a spiritual journey. It works on any aspect of your life.
My daughter is thinking she wants a water birth. We watched the documentary ‘ the business of being born’. I was so blown away by this information of how the medical community has convinced us women that birth is terrifying and we are incompetent to give birth naturally. I am not saying that if you need a doctor in your special circumstances of labor or delivery that is wrong. I am talking about people who are not high risk and want to do this naturally. This is something that will be very spiritual for me to participate in with my daughter choosing water birth and allowing the natural gravity and movement of her own being to give life this way. I myself had all my children at the hospital with doctors and medications. I wish I had this information when I was giving birth, but I didn’t so this will be awesome to experience with her if all goes well and she is able too.
The thing I realize is that all of this is out of my control. What I do control is how I respond. If I need to rest ,so be it. If I need to talk ,call someone. Live in the day and moment and breathe!