Everday is like a morning

Do you ever feel this way? Tired and exhausted  the whole day trying to break free of that sluggish feeling. The whole day feels like your morning. I got the flu a week ago and I am still physically dragging through my days. Everything feels epic you are doing. My gratitude list is swamped that I survived each situation. I am trying to be positive and talk myself through this process and give myself grace for not being 100%. 

While feeling this way physically the emotional piece of my current situation of becoming a grandmother in August.  I will be forty in june. I seriously feel myself having my mid life crisis began. I get it why people freak out at 40, a lot has happened at this point. You have been through a lot of adventures in your life. some good, some bad, some happy, some sad. I am trying to look at my situation different and not surround it with negativity or judgement. I am trying to not have expectations.  To speak with clarity into a situation of needs and wants. I know if I want to not have a crisis my mental health and ability to process through hard situations needs to come first. I can’t say my life is not what I thought at my age. That is expectations. 

Learning to live life not based on how I think things should be or comparing my life to other people. It is a new thought process for me to not think in black and white but to be open to the experience without judgment.  I think this is the path of letting go and no longer controlling. Expectations are where things go  south. It would seem like an easy concept but I have not lived life this way. It takes new thinking constantly to live in this thought that things are what they are and it will be okay no matter how much I analyze or plan or freak out. It will be calmer and less anxiety surrounding my life if I can just let go and trust that it will be okay. 

One new daily thought is being positive no matter the situation.  If someone is freaking out, I don’t have to return that energy. That person is not doing that personally to me. It is very difficult to do this because humans react. That ultimately is the control we have is how we respond in any situation. 


Just Breathe

I look outside through the window and everything is covered in white snow. It makes my life feel more palatable because the weather sucks, i struggle with feeling bad on gorgeous sunny days. I am sitting by my fireplace feeling physically and emotionally tired. I came down with the flu last Saturday and coughed so much last night I pulled all my stomach muscles. 

I have never been through this much stress in my life at one time.

In December my middle daughter was in the Arapahoe High School shooting, 3 days later my son was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 and is on insulin for the rest of his life. My oldest daughter just found out last week she is pregnant and was told she was miscarrying. I flew her home to help her through that. We have been to the doctors and now it turns out the pregnancy is viable. So, life is changing now! 

I made a really big decision for me today. I put a halt on work , I am a hairdresser, I do not have paid time off. I am usually booked 4-6 weeks out and I told my clients I have to not work and that I need to be here for my family right now. I have never been in this place where my entire being screams STOP.

I have written in journals my entire life,that is probably the appropriate place to write about all of this but the truth is I write. My imagination couldn’t even come up with what I am actually living in. I have always lived my life openly. I am not ashamed of my life. I am struggling right now but that is normal. There is something healing for me in writing and I know if I can continue regularly doing things that heal me I can get through this time. 

I have been practicing for some time living and being present in the moment. I have also been practicing daily living. This I am grateful for during all these stressful situations because you go into shock. You can’t plan to far ahead because you don’t have the answers right now. Daily and minute living helps come up with goals for the day. That is honestly all I can handle right now.

It is difficult for me to be spiritual through this experience right now.  Apart from knowing that something bigger than me exists.  I have been in the church for years and that doesn’t work for me anymore.  Fear cannot be the reason I believe. Every major religion thinks they are right and exclusive.  I have found my people in 12 step programs more than churches.  I find that working the steps is a spiritual journey. It works on any aspect of your life. 

My daughter is thinking she wants a water birth. We watched the documentary ‘ the business of being born’. I was so blown away by this information of how the medical community has convinced us women that birth is terrifying and we are incompetent to give birth naturally. I am not saying that if you need a doctor in your special circumstances of labor or delivery that is wrong. I am talking about people who are not high risk and want to do this naturally.  This is something that will be very spiritual for me to participate in with my daughter choosing water birth and allowing the natural gravity and movement of her own being to give life this way. I myself had all my children at the hospital with doctors and medications. I wish I had this information when I was giving birth, but I didn’t so this will be awesome to experience with her if all goes well and she is able too. 

The thing I realize is that all of this is out of my control. What I do control is how I respond.  If I need to rest ,so be it. If I need to talk ,call someone.  Live in the day and moment and breathe!




when life doesn’t go as planned *yell,*” plot twist “and keep going.

I feel so terrible today. I am coughing and sick with the flu. The silver lining is the much needed ab workout I am getting from the coughing.

Monday I found out that my daughter is pregnant.  She lives in LA, and had gone to the emergency room because she was so sick. They informed her she was pregnant and told her she was starting to miscarry. I flew her home that night. We went to a obgyn Tuesday who told her the pregnancy is viable and what the er had seen was not what they told her.

She had a ultrasound and we saw the little one ,the size of a gummy bear. Her due date is very close to her birthday.  She has decided to continue the pregnancy and have the baby.

This is a huge life change for anyone. She is modeling out in LA. She is planning to move home to be near us for support.

This is a full circle moment for me. I was 17 years old when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.  I was kicked out of my home and moved into a home for unwed mothers called bridgeway. Two weeks ago I received a friend request on Facebook from carol Haas.  She is the founder of bridgeway and a very important person to me. She helped me so much during my pregnancy and gave me the support I needed to make it through that time in my life. I don’t think it is coincidental that things happen in this life. I contacted carol the minute I found out about my daughter. She sent me pictures of me pregnant and after I had given birth in the hospital.  I can’t believe she held on to those for 21 years.

My daughter will be 22 years old when the baby comes, I am thankful she is not a teenager. She is reading a ton about her pregnancy and a spiritual book about bonding with her baby. I think she will be a good mom. It is looking like she will be a single mom. That is pretty normal in a unplanned pregnancy. The great news for her is she has our support. My parents have taken this opportunity to be different and she has their support as well. She also has a friend who wants to be involved and a huge support to her.

I will be grandma at 40 years old. A new twist on feeling older. I know this way of life is counter culture and many people my age are starting families. I am asked all the time with both of my daughter’s if we are sisters. I know that I will be asked if the baby is mine and will have that awkward moment when I say it is my grandchild. That is fine, I look younger than I am. That is a good thing. I am looking forward to being a grandmother. This child will be loved by so many people.


Daily Prompt: Quirk of Habit

Which quirky habit annoys you the most, and what quirky habit do you love in yourself and others.

I would start off to say quirk is a behavior that is not common or odd in behaviors. There are many behaviors that annoy me but most are common.

My father comes to mind immediately in this prompt. He has many quirky behaviors that annoy me. This is the most annoying quirky habit to me : when he needs to clear his phlegm he does this loud, throat clearing noise and coughs up his mucous to then spit in the nearest available place and not in a tissue, this is done whenever needed, out in public,his home, my home. It has not only annoyed me but embarrassed me the entirety of my life. Second annoying, when he needs to itch his inner ear instead of getting a q tip, puts his index  finger in his ear and shakes it to relieve  it while doing his throat clearing noise sometimes even producing phlegm in this scenario. The last quirk of his I will share is done in his home with his recliner chair. When he is ready to take that chair back he pushes with his feet as hard as he can and pulls on the recliner handle as hard as possible to hear every metallic popping sound the chair makes. This has been done with every recliner chair he has owned.

A quirky habit that annoys me is when people speak in a low, unintelligible ,and hurried voice. My ability to stay focused in that conversation is gone. I most of the time answer them with mm-hmm , because I have no idea what they said.

I think the quirky habit I like most in people and myself: the ability to  arrive early to wherever they are going, that is what they consider on time. I work on a schedule and time is very important to me. I do consider this a quirk as it is not common in behaviors.


Nature Rules

ImageI am finding the older I get the more I am like my mother. I remember watching her eat potato chips and m&m’s as she watched t.v. growing up. I love those myself and tend to pick those as well. She also read variously as I do. The great debate of nature versus nurture has more studies than ever. A u.k. university has done studies on 800 sets of twins for this purpose. The results were nature had more influence in personality than environment which we have been told for a long time that nurture is how we turn out as individuals . In the area of self-control was found to be the biggest factor for this argument.’ The difference in people’s ability to restrain themselves and persist with things when they got difficult and react to challenges in a positive way’. This study also found nurture ‘affected their social and learning abilities and sense of purpose’.

I think about the greeting card I purchased for my sister that read your not getting older, just getting more like mom. She did not think that was funny. She also tends to follow my father’s genetics more than our mom’s. I see this in my own children. My daughter is so much like her dad in the same interests and talents they have. my son is a chip off my block, we walk around in the mornings with our fuzzy robes. We are outgoing introverts so that works out well for our relationship, in the mornings we both get up early but do not speak to each other just a head nod. We like our early morning alone time and respect that for each other. 

What I do believe about nurture is that it affects our emotional state. I was never talked too as a child about emotions. My parents are still like that. I am different parenting in that I believe in being emotionally available. I believe in encouragement of my children. I believe in counseling if needed to process. 

I am seeing how much nature is playing out in my own life. I also am aware of the personality traits I have inherited that I do not like. I am trying to be open to making different decisions with this traits. I find that if I am not defensive when I am told I am acting like my mom I can learn to embrace this and try to change my response. I realize I will have the same responses if I am not self aware and open to see the genetic train. 

I love this topic and would love to hear your responses.



writing prompt:truth or dare

This is a great question.  Is it best to always be honest? I feel I have lived my life being honest and owning up to my mistakes.  I have always tied the characteristic integrity to this point.

What I have learned about this is twofold.  For myself I feel better when I am honest. Until recently I have felt no matter what I should be honest. I have gotten very hurt due to this thinking. I don’t know if it is age or enough experiances to make me think twice about this honesty piece. This is what I have learned  People who do not live this way or have the quality of honesty are not safe people to be honest with. This topic is  something I have a lot of personal experience in. I have learned to get to know people well enough to know their values.  If I do not feel they are honest not only am I not going to be vulnerable or honest but will not have a deep relationship with them either.

I value people who live in honesty. I think it is rare to find these people.  I also know now to have boundaries with dishonest people.  That is my job is to know who to trust and be honest with.