Doggone

My nine month old Akita/Pitbull puppy Atari ran away today. He is the love of my life. I live in the high desert country, all the roads are dirt and sand. The roads aren’t maintained by the city so lots of crevices on the roads. You drive whatever direction on the roads to get where you need. Road rules don’t apply in high desert driving.

During the tropical storm

We got Atari this summer when our best friend and neighbor said, he needed homes for the litter of twelve puppies his sister and her family bred. Atari’s mom is a red Pitbull, dad is the Akita. We did his DNA test, it said Atari was 55% Akita and 45% Pitbull. Dad comes from only Akita for his heritage. I found out that this combination of Akita/Pitbull is a designer breed. I laugh that we have a backyard-high desert situation to get this designer breed.

Atari gets to play with his brother, sister, mom who live across the street from us. I’m so happy he can still see his family. He loves them so much! We are so happy that we got Atari from our friend’s sister and her family. They made momma while she was pregnant homemade dog food. They took amazing care of momma the whole pregnancy. Momma is now fixed, no more backyard puppies. Atari is fixed too. Atari usually goes to one of their houses when he gets out.

Eight week old Atari

Atari gets out when the fence isn’t closed. We have people who help us on our three acre property. They know not to leave gates open but sometimes it happens. This morning was one of those times. I have a squeaky that I use to call Atari to me. This morning he didn’t come to me, I knew he got out. I found the open gate he went through.

I immediately jumped in my car and went to both my neighbors where he usually goes when he gets out. He was not there. I am panicking because of all the dirt roads he could be on. I walk Atari every day. He knows a ton of roads around us. I’m a Reiki Master, when I am panicked or have bad situations I immediately start giving the situation Reiki. There is one symbol in particular for helping to find things. I’m on repeat saying this Reiki symbol driving.

I call my boyfriend who is away for a month at work. The reason I got Atari is because my boyfriend is gone a ton being a stage manager. My boyfriend is freaking out screaming because the dog escaped. That was not helpful at all but that’s his anxiety. I continue driving, I spot a pack of dogs. My boyfriend is screaming where he is because we have a GPS on his collar. Right then I pull up to the pack of dogs and Atari was with them, thank God. People in the high desert let their dogs roam free. That is how Atari came to be, his daddy was wondering freely and jumped in the backyard with his mom.

I put Atari in the car and headed home. Atari is usually given free rein on the property. When he gets out we have to put him on a hundred foot lead. It’s his consequence for getting out. That makes him upset but we are hoping that will teach him that we don’t want him to get out if fences are open.

Sad Atari

He’s home safe, that is all that matters!

Every day is like Sunday

Everyday is like Sunday, everyday is cloudy and gray. The Smiths sang this song, I remember listening to it in high school and relating so much.

I have clinical or chronic depression and I am autistic. When I was growing up I thought everyone felt this way. I didn’t know I struggled with depression when I was younger. As an adult I have chosen to medicate my depression. I was just put on a new medication after still feeling suicidal on my antidepressant. This medication has changed my life.

To wake up and not feel dread is whole new feeling. To not just want to go to sleep is a way of life I haven’t experienced. When things go wrong I don’t automatically want to be dead. Depression robs of you of truly living.

We got a puppy the end of June. He is the love of my life. I think he helped my depression and my depression spiraled at the same time. I think he helped me because I wasn’t thinking about my depression but him. My depression decided that was not okay. With my new medication I can handle my six month old preteen puppy and my life.

Depression is shameful. You don’t want to talk to people about it. I remember hearing people talk and thinking to myself, they have so much to live for and they care about their life. It does make you a good comedian in your dark humor when you suffer from depression. Depression makes you not care much about yourself. You have to give yourself huge kudos for “small tasks” like showering when you are locked in depression.

It’s frustrating to me that mental health is just coming into focus. Taking medication for your mind is no different than taking medication for your physical body. Why the shame? People are born genetically with depression and autism. It’s not okay to be mentally ill yet in society. I use it to my advantage picking up medication from pharmacy, telling people I NEED MY MOOD STABILIZER RIGHT NOW! The line opens up magically for me.

I know for me labeling myself mentally ill was difficult. It was admitting I was fucked up. It has a shame to it. All I know is I’m better. I feel different. I’m stable, that is the goal for me. It’s okay with me if someone has issues with my mental illness. I have issues with it too. I will never think like a normal brain. That is okay I accept that. I have hope and that is something that I haven’t had in a long time.

Namaste

Up in smoke

One year ago today. I awoke in my new apartment, I had moved in with my roommate two weeks prior, just gotten everything in place, pictures up, flowers on the table, boxes unpacked. We spent the morning drinking coffee on the balcony in the sun talking. We were making a to do list since we just moved in and we were both working full time. On that list was renters insurance. It was a holiday for us, Labor Day, we were relaxing. I’ve never written publicly about this before. Part of my healing process.

I am deathly allergic to cats. I decided I wanted to watch a movie on Labor Day in my room with the door shut because of the cat, the cat was never allowed in bedroom.

All of a sudden we hear a huge crash, my roommate goes to see what the noise is, he comes bursting into the room, screaming our porch was on fire. I jumped out of bed and ran directly to the red fire extinguisher hung in kitchen, the living room was flooded with smoke, I started choking immediately, the noise we heard was the glass patio door exploding from fire, the fire was coming in apartment. I handed him the red fire extinguisher and screamed,”pull pin”, he did. He used everything in the fire extinguisher, He burned himself badly on his hands fighting the fire. The fire was too out of control to put out and the smoke was too bad in apartment. We ran out to my car in parking lot. Gasping for air and choking from the smoke.

My roommate had a cat. Outside on the balcony by the trash can was a climbing tree for the cat made of very flammable material. My roommate had tossed his lit cigarette into the trash can starting that on fire, that caught this flammable cat tower on fire starting the porch fire. There was an ash tray on the balcony to put his cigarette out in. To this day I cannot understand how any human would take fire and put it in a trash can! I did not know this information on Labor Day, during fire, it wasn’t until after I spoke to fire examiner many days following the fire.

I watched in total shock as my apartment burned,along with the entire apartment community and the news. I looked down to see my roommates fingers swollen like a huge balloon from the burn. We were not speaking. We were shaking in trauma. A woman came up to me and told me to contact American Red Cross. I heard her but was in a state of complete shock and disbelief. Then the fire department came and soaked everything. That was the last time I ever saw thirty years of things I’ve collected all over the world. My clothes, shoes, paperwork, furniture, documentation, my children’s things and photographs, everything. The fire department gave me my glasses, phone and my purse that was burned from fire, the clothes on my back, That’s it. The apartment complex and fire examiner would be in contact. We were not allowed back in apartment to see damage due to asbestos. The trauma from that day lives in me like it was yesterday.

We stayed in a motel that night, too traumatized to sleep or talk, we reeked of smoke from the fire. We had no clothes, nothing to shower with. My roommate and I tried to deal with his injuries at motel that night because an ambulance never came to fire only fire department. His hand was badly burned and hurt. He never said anything to anyone. I noticed it but couldn’t deal with it in that moment. We were handed my roommates cat, the fire department found hiding to escape the fire. The cat was freaking out and we had to deal with that. Thank God someone from the complex gave us a pet carrier so I could drive. The cat was traumatized along with us that night in a creepy motel room. We needed to find this cat a home now too.

We needed help bad. I called American Red Cross the next day and they came to us at motel. They gave us money and tons of needed toiletries. Life saving. I got my roommate to hospital to get his burns dealt with. We went shopping for clothes. We could at least shower now! A friend of ours let us stay at their apartment till we could things more figured out. We found a home for the cat. Our friends and coworkers helped us a lot at this time with money and clothes.

Following the fire and finding out the cause of the fire destroyed a friendship forever with my roommate. It also affected relationships with friends who were helping knowing it was his fault after fire examiner released how and why of fire. . There was an ashtray on the balcony so that this would never happen. It makes sense to no one why he would throw lit cigarettes in a trash can. I didn’t have renters insurance yet. Even though my roommate gave me a sworn statement he started fire accidentally, it didn’t matter I was on the lease, the apartment complex gave us both a bill of 250,000$ in fire damage.

I filed bankruptcy due to this fire, it was just completed four days ago, which is amazing it’s so close to year anniversary of fire. I’m not paying for a fire I never started and destroyed my life. That feels like a huge weight off my chest. Its completion. It’s starting over. It’s also difficult. I have to buy everything. I have to get every document. My credit is shit for some time. It does cause some restrictions. I can’t replace a ton of sentimental things I lost.

Last weekend my boyfriend took me shopping. I got some new fall gear and shoes. He has helped me start over in huge ways with getting new things I need. He is a huge support to me moving on in life.

My new puppy Atari is why I get up in the morning. He has helped me a ton on my healing journey. The fire also taught me I don’t need as much materially. I’m older. Starting over is hard. It takes a lot of will. Because of this fire I moved to another state with my boyfriend away from my family. That’s super hard. Everyday stronger. One day at a time is all we can do.

Namaste

Puppy Love

We got a Akita/ Pit Bull puppy almost three weeks ago. We got him at almost nine weeks. He was from a litter of twelve puppies. Our friend had the litter and needed a lot of homes. He was one of the last pups adopted. I thought I wanted his sister but fell for him instead.

Atari is now twelve weeks old, he is teething insanely! My arms, legs, feet, ankles all have bite marks. It hurts really bad when he gets a good grip on the skin. It’s a constant to be armed with bully sticks to put in his teeth when he is biting or a stuffed animal. I believe we have purchased every kind of toy material you can buy to replace chewing on wood, soft materials, sticks,leather. Atari prefers the real thing no matter what toy he has. We live on three acres so keeping sticks out of this dogs mouth is full time. I have a lord of the rings stick I walk with, he bites at the bottom of the stick instead of my ankle.

Why Atari? That’s what I get asked frequently about his name. Atari was the gaming system when I grew up. Pong was a game with dots on Atari. Atari in Japanese means good fortune. Akita is Japanese. He has short hair and body style of Pit Bull but has Akita ears, nose and tail.

He thankfully is food driven. Treats are what this dog lives for, a total God sent. Training him has been so much easier due to his love of food. He is in doggie school. He is so smart, obedient and so loving!

We live in California, it is super hot right now. I put out frozen towels and ice water for him if we are spending time outside. My boyfriend says I’m turning him into a bougie dog, I call it nurturing.

I’m in love! His favorite place to lounge is the leather couch. He does not like being hot. It works out because his dad loves the couch too!

Freedom from fear

I turned forty nine years old the other day. My last year in my forties. I was processing what I’m grateful for in my life at this point. One thing stands out the most for me.

I was raised in a religious home. It wasn’t an extreme reality of that however. My sister chose to become a born again Christian as a teenager. She always wanted to be married. She did get married and then had her children. My sister homeschooled her children and everything in their life revolved around a very conservative Christian religious narrative. Our children were around the same ages. We got them together frequently when they were young. As they started aging my children started asking why their cousins were so different? They didn’t want to go to my sisters house because of their Christian lifestyle being so forced upon my children.

Ultimately it led to my sister and I not really having a relationship. I haven’t had a relationship with her in over ten years now. I wish I could tell you I miss her. I don’t. The thing I realized was that my mother comes from a very long line of religious humans. Most of them were Quakers. I did study the Christian religion and bible for many years. I ended with more questions than answers. I couldn’t understand either why Christian people were so mean, intolerant and off putting. I also noticed most of them didn’t study their bibles, they went to church. In the end with my bible, history, Jewish, Hebrew, Greek studies I was shown the Bible was messed with endlessly by men. How could that possibly be the word of God?

I also don’t fear hell. I don’t really believe in it. I do not believe we are separate from God, spirit, universe, energy. Only we feel separated from God, not that we are separated. I believe religion was formed to control humans through fear of hell. It has created quite a divide among those who believe and don’t believe in religion. For me and my children I’ve broken a huge generational curse in our family from religion. I’m glad to be separated from religion, I created a loving family with unconditional love that honors energy, spirit, God!

I chose to create a matriarchal last name Kai because of my religious freedom, my Grandaughter was born the first with that name. As I age not only is my body aging, I view life from a different lens. The thing that really matter to me is the legacy I leave behind on this earth.

Namaste

Viva Las Vegas

I’ve recently been traveling for work to Las Vegas. We stayed at The Palms Casino starting our last visit to Vegas. It was pleasant, clean, full of light and roomy. Our beds were made daily and our towels replaced. The brown granite shower was to die for including a seat to sit on. I enjoyed my stay there. They have completely remodeled The Palms Casino recently at $600 million in renovations and opened last year. The Palms casino was purchased by the San Manuel Band of Mission Indians at $650 million. Energetically The Palms felt great, I slept great.

The second part of our trip we moved to The Orleans Casino. We walked into a very dark lit room. Dated everything at this Casino. I went to the bathroom and lifted the floor mat up off the floor and a moth flew out. Energetically it felt horrible, heavy, dark. Every person on my team mentioned it. I also got food poisoning from a tuna melt at the The Orleans Casinos Copper Whisk Cafe. I projectile vomited, while a moth flew around me in the bathroom. I slept like shit every night. I put Reiki all over our room for protection. I do not recommend eating at this place or staying at The Orleans Casino. The bell hop came up to get our luggage, as we were chatting on the way, he questioned ,”what the maids must find?” I responded, “dead bodies.” He said, “I can’t talk about that. “ I said,”Of course you can’t in a town that makes money off tourists.

While driving one day to our event. We saw six people jumping a man. we called 911, they couldn’t find a single person?

All if this made me do some research on the dark side of Las Vegas. It was pretty incredible what I read. Apparently suicide is common in Las Vegas casino hotel rooms. People take the last of their money, gamble, and loose everything. If you do choose to end your life at a Casino room, they will bill your family for the damages. Some people plan trips to Las Vegas to end their lives. What was alarming to me is that they move the dead bodies from the rooms then call for police and emergency crews. If a dead body is found in a Casino hotel room it is required a two week quarantine. No Casino is going to take that loss on hotel rooms. The Casinos then do a promotion on the rooms of recently deceased. Apparently every person that works in Las Vegas is involved to continue tourism. If the amount of humans that visit Las Vegas worldwide knew of this information, the Las Vegas strip would cease to exist. Energetically if that death energy is dormant it will stay like that endlessly. I believe I didn’t feel that at The Palms because of the renovations they did to that hotel.

I lived in Las Vegas for Six months in 2018. I lived in Summerlin which is a suburb of Las Vegas. I wasn’t on the Las Vegas strip except to see concerts. I spent most of my time bouldering and on Mt Charleston when I was pursuing my Reiki certifications. This world of the seedy side of Las Vegas I did not experience. I experienced the spiritual side of Las Vegas. It has that too!

Namaste

Passion

Passion can be defined as a thing arousing enthusiasm. After my children left my home I’ve spent years pursuing different passions. I feel when my children were at home, they were my life and focus outside of my career. It’s so much discovery about yourself when you have an empty nest. For me I had children in my home for 25 years starting at eighteen years old. I’ve learned along the way in life that pursuing my passions is the highest energy vibration I can put myself in. While I was raising my children I owned a salon, taught color, lived for being a hairdresser. It was my passion. I retired from hairdressing around the same time I became an empty nester.

Currently I’m so excited to be able to put a couple of my passions together. Apart from the necessities of life, I’m always working on what I love. I am a chef and a Reiki Master. I love to feed and heal humans! I’m currently baking gluten free, vegan, Reiki infused baked goods as well as gluten free, Reiki infused baked goods that are not vegan.

I’ve had rave reviews on my baked goods. That makes me so happy beyond belief. Along my journey I have done Reiki infused Chakra sprays. I decided I wanted to incorporate Reiki with my chef abilities. I went to culinary school in high school. I found out how much money chefs made and pursued hair because I had a child on the way. I was torn between the two. Hair won! I’ve loved cooking my entire life. My youngest child is vegetarian. My middle child is gluten free, dairy free, sugar free. That has helped me evolve as a chef accommodating special needs in foods. When I retired from hair, I pursued getting my Reiki Master certification. During that time I decided to get back into food and have been there ever since. I love it!

My spiritual life was something I really wanted to work on too after my children left home. Having Reiki in my life is life changing. I feel connected to the Universe at all times and my unending longing to search was quenched. Being able to put Reiki in my foods is a dream come true. They are my passions! It never feels like work. That’s the dream, right? Follow our passion to the highest energy vibration to happiness and success.

Namaste

Devastation

Processing suicide is the worst. I’m in the devastation and bargaining on the grief ladder. What could I have said differently repeats in my mind, would of, could of, should have is the bargaining phase of grief. I’m so sad, I’m inconsolable. My boyfriend is desperately trying everything to make me feel better. He got me my favorite chocolate and suckers. I am so grateful for him trying. All I can do is sit outside in the sun and think about my friend who has left this earth.

My dear friend of eighteen years is gone forever. I cannot call him and hear his voice. I cannot text him and get a reply. It’s a horrible feeling to know that interaction is a void. I just sit in my feelings that are so dark right now. It’s part of this process of resolution in suicide.

Saying goodbye to this sweet human who saw all the flaws of this world. It disheartened him greatly. He was sensitive, gentle, kind. If anyone came to visit him, he would shower them in food. He went to culinary school in Boulder at Auguste Escoffier and was a great chef that worked in Boulder, Colorado in fine dining at Flaggstaff House restaurant. We spent a ton of time visiting taco trucks and different cuisine’s from all over the world together.

Korean BBQ

He was a boba freak. I hated them. He always wanted me to try the flavor and hold the straw so I wouldn’t suck up a boba telling me chefs try everything,It always failed and I had to spit out the boba. Lol! These are the memories I cherish with him now.

He was a peacemaker. He disliked fighting and would try to smooth things over between people. If anyone needed help he was there. I miss him. I wish he was able to see my perspective of him or anyone else who knew him well. If people were able to do that before suicide it wouldn’t happen. He hated himself. He hated his addictions. He fought that demon for twenty years. In my devastation it’s hard to be positive. I continue to remind myself he is not suffering anymore, that matters to me. However the pain permeates my being. I’m aware that it’s part of processing his death so immediately. It doesn’t make it easier. You mattered Brandon so much to so many people. Your funeral was magnificent and a beautiful reminder of who you were to so many people. We all love you and miss you!

Truth is stranger than fiction part 2

I lost someone I cared about deeply to suicide last Saturday. His dad sent me a text message that he took his life. I do not recommend that as a way to communicate something that tragic. This is not my first suicide, my dad killed himself the exact same way nine years ago. Shock is what hit me. Total disbelief.

I spoke to him Thursday on the phone for a long time, never thinking that would be the last time I ever hear his voice again on this earth. He had debilitating addictions. He was checking himself into a holistic rehab. He sounded so positive. He was going to have to go through detox first medically Friday morning. We made plans to talk next week so I could give him Reiki in rehab.

I called his father several hours after I got the text my friend of eighteen years is gone. He said that he never made it to detox Friday to begin his sober journey and committed suicide at their home Saturday afternoon. Last year I spent a ton of time helping him. I got him to treatment sometimes barely getting him there because he was 6’3 200 pounds, I’m 5’6 120 pounds trying to drag him up the stairs because he couldn’t walk. I gave him Reiki treatments at home while he was getting sober. My heart is so heavy.

When I spoke to him Thursday he told me he didn’t want to be a slave anymore, he couldn’t take it. He lived in a prison with his addictions. That’s the only peace I have right now is that he is free. He has battled this demon for twenty years. I give him kudos for trying to get sober countless times. Unfortunately the drugs always won.

Suicide is so hard because there is no goodbyes. I’m left with our last conversation I’m so grateful for Thursday for the rest of my life. I have to bring this to closure. I talk to him out loud. I know him well to imagine what he would say in response. I listen to a song that reminds me of him on repeat loudly that sends goosebumps through my body. I remember our good times of eating food from countries we loved together both being chefs. Processing suicide is climbing the grief ladder. Some days spent bargaining about what you could have done different or things you could have said. Some days you are so sad you can barely speak. Some days you are angry at the situation or someone involved or even the person who committed suicide. I know this well not being my first rodeo with this.

I spoke to my dad the night before he took his life I spoke to my friend two days before. They ended their lives the same way with a gun. This now becomes complex trauma because my dad comes back up processing this suicide for me. For anyone who is a suicide survivor this is a long process to the end result of acceptance. I feel I have acceptance around my dad but not my friend. That journey has just begun for me. I know writing helps immensely. I also want to acknowledge his existence on this earth of being a kind, generous human being with a sweet soul.

A sweet moment with his cat

Rest in peace Brandon, you are loved and never forgotten.

720 is the new 303

No matter where I move in the world I always seem to return home to Colorado. I just moved to California in November. I’ve lived in California shortly before. We will see how long I make it this time? I do not love it here. I tolerate it. All of California has recently moved to Colorado. They cannot drive, driving as a native of Colorado we use blinkers and don’t drive in the left hand on the highways nor do we drive 90mph everywhere. I grew up in a very small mountain town in Colorado. I spent a ton of time outdoors growing up and doing extreme sports with my family. My dad built a fire pit outside that we spent a ton of time around, it felt like nightly outside of our home. We had a hot tub room filled with salt water aquariums with massive windows that looked out at the mountains and windows to gaze at the stars at night while soaking in the Jacuzzi. We used this room and hot tub frequently for parties growing up or after skiing to help our muscles. Incredible! My grandmother choose to die on top of that hot tub. My dad drained it and built her a bed she could look at the breathtaking view of the mountains while she passed away. I miss it!

My youngest child and I recently visited my child hood home. I knocked on the door holding a poinsettia, it was Christmas time and told the woman that owned the home now ,that I grew up there and could I look around? It turned out she was a Reiki Master like me. She gave us a tour of the home and how they had changed it. It was incredible. She had worked on all the bad energy I remembered being there growing up. She had raised five children in that home. She told me I was welcome anytime. I’m so glad she is the one that bought that home after my parents sold it in 1998 and moved to Denver. My youngest child and I go back to my hometown together to go to the hot springs and eat the greatest mountain pie pizza you ever tasted frequently.

It’s funny that no matter where I live I end up outside most of the time. The reason I don’t like California is the wind. Colorado has extreme weather but when the sun is out you normally feel the warmth of it without wind. In California it might be nice and sunny but the wind. Being indoors feel like a prison to me. I have clinical depression, I sit in the sun for my vitamin D along with an anti depressant daily to stay alive. I’m typically outside if I’m not sleeping, cooking, eating or at work. My boyfriend thinks I’m crazy. It’s a mountain thing I think that will never go away. It never has no matter where we’ve lived. Lol!

The one thing I absolutely love about living in the California desert and being outside is the sunrises and sunsets. Breathtaking! I live on a three acre Joshua tree property. The noises I hear are roosters. It is very much a myth they crow at dusk. They crow all the time. One of my favorite memories is sitting on our porch listening to the choir of roosters crowing at each other from afar at midnight. I don’t hear sirens anymore. Animals are my background noises. It’s calming to me. I can see the stars again. We don’t live in rollerblading, surfing California lined with beaches and palm-tress. We live at altitude not far from Joshua tree National park . It snows where we live. We ski mostly for fun where I live. It feels a lot like my mountain town I grew up in. It is much better however because I can drink and or smoke pot as an adult. We have a small mountain crew we hang out with and love.

Life here is simple. I haven’t cooked this much at home since raising my three kids. There are no restaurants around us we like. I projectile vomited twice the last place we gave a chance. Our town is small . We are total food snobs so we cook at home. He is Italian, that’s his job is cooking us pasta galore. I’m getting fat. I recently started walking to the mailbox braving the wild dogs to get more exercise because we eat so well at home. My boyfriend handed me a stick yesterday when I left to get the mail. I laughed at him while rejecting the stick and told him I would use Reiki magic on the wild dogs because that is what I do seriously when they are near me. Seems to work.

Restaurant that I got sick at

I am at peace where we live. It’s totally different. We are farming eleven feral cats that’s our existence. My boyfriend started this collection of feral cats during the pandemic. Baby kitty is my love, he is the smallest of the new litter. We just lost his mom to a wild dog recently. I’m deathly allergic to cats so this is a perfect relationship for me. Lots of talking no touching.

Namaste