Darkness

Darkness. It’s part of our existence here on earth. We all have it within us. Many take pills to not feel it, many do rituals to control it, many have addictions to run from the darkness, many are in denial..The only way through pain is to feel pain, physical or emotional. It’s also to accept our shadow side.

Why is it so hard for us to integrate darkness or become one with our pain? It is our resistance to feeling pain on any level. When it is very cold or hot outside and we walk into it, our first reaction is to tense and reject it. Living in temperatures this summer that was up to 115 degrees outside, I learned this lesson. Deep breathe in, accept. I learned this lesson with chronic neck pain and when I would stretch my neck in yoga, I would reach inside the pain and not reject it. I learned if I did this my healing time was less, I no longer have chronic neck issues.

Our shadow self is the parts of us that are not healed. It needs to be shown so we can see how we are hurtful as people. We have to integrate and accept our shadow self. Through that acceptance we don’t have to have addictions or controlling behaviors, we actually have the ability to change. When we are not resisting ourselves or our pain on any level there is a breakthrough and research is proving this. We are one with our body and mind, our thought life is the most vital component to freeing ourselves
from self imprisonments.

For me being creative with darkness has helped reconcile that I accept that part of myself, like my neck pain when I go inside my darkness and parts of me I don’t like, I don’t resist any of it. It’s truly freedom.


My daughter pictured above was in a high school shooting. This to me is what it did to her, her mind is affected because of the shooting. She was so innocent, only 15 years old. Her boyfriend pictured behind is dead representing all those that died by suicide following the shooting and those that can’t get past the shooting being zombie like. A picture is worth a million words.

Namaste🙏🏻

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Life is like a box of chocolates

“Life is like a box of chocolates.” Have you ever thought about that? It’s so true. Every chocolate looks like it would be delicious in it’s beautiful coating, just inviting you to take a bite, which we impulsively do but then when you start to chew the flavor inside is not what you expected or like. Then you spit it out and try again, this time reading about the chocolates so you don’t experience that again, not taken by the appearance of the coating of chocolate. If we have done this enough we look first at the box of chocolates and read about the surprise that we are going to put in our mouths because we aren’t taken by the appearances but the negative experience we are going to have.

Don’t you wish people had labels like this? Inside of this person there is a nutty finish. Outside of the coating we all come in, there is no external labeling. With humans we have to label behavior or have red flags. You have to bite into the coating unfortunately to understand you don’t like it. The good news is just like biting into a chocolate we don’t like, we become hesitant to take a huge bite at first with humans. We nibble cautiously because we understand with humans after lots of encounters with this, it not only leaves a bad aftertaste it can be life wrecking and very painful.

Maybe it’s because we decided to be impulsive and chomp down on that chocolate we know nothing about. It is through these experiences we learn not only about the chocolate but ourselves. That is what is really important is the lesson in self. People are mirrors to us. We leave a relationship when that person hurts us worse than we treat ourselves. With humans it’s not as easy as chocolates, we can even become shielded and guarded to become non chocolate eaters, never facing that box again. The truth is we needed that experience for teaching. It in the end grew us in some way, better, bitter, grateful, resentful. We get to choose.

Namaste🙏🏻

Positive Thinking

After my Reiki 1 and 2 attunement I was given material to read for 21 days on the power of positive thinking. I also had to write a gratitude list every day.


It has changed my life forever. I quit smoking cigarettes again for the countless time. However here is the difference. I didn’t use nicotine replacement. I didn’t want to kill anyone. I wasn’t jonesing like a fiend. I became aware after spending time kicking out my negative thinking constantly to a point there was just empty space. Our thoughts make us feel. As I have meditated and cleared space and all negative thoughts, I can commune with space that is lack of negative thoughts creating negative feelings and limitations. It is in this space we actually live.

I realized through this practice that I had created this box that was impossible to quit smoking because that’s what I believed. It was bigger than me, I saw that thinking, it was outside of me and I couldn’t reach it. I could easily quit if I could believe this thought. It is accessible for me to quit. It is easy. For the first time quitting I didn’t visualize the nightmare. I visualized it being easy. That I didn’t even have to try. That’s what happened. I didn’t even tell anyone I quit. I just quit because I believed I could and that’s what I visualized.


Being in attunement as a healer to access Reiki is also a belief. It is all about intention, clarity and focus on that belief, being a emptied out conduit for the healing love and light, that is all we are.. There is no room for negative, ego, it is an empty space for the spiritual energy to flow and heal. This energy heals and reminds us where we came from. Love and light and complete oneness. WE ARE NOT SEPARATE!

I’m starting to understand that we really are conditioned by society to judgements and negativity, constantly in this 3D matrix that is limited to 5 senses. Our reality is not happening to us. We are creating our realities with the thoughts we produce. The blueprints are in the thoughts, created and lived out. The power of our thoughts create what are living in. Create your dream life, you can. It’s all in your belief system!

Meditation and lack of thought is our lifeline and access to the higher dimensions of spirituality and our higher selves. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. We are love and light, that is it. We all forgot that and were taught these negative ways and monkey brain of over thinking, separation. We are not separate. Mastery over thought is the number one discipline of spirituality for that’s the space it lives in.

Overthinking is TOXIC!!!! Overthinking negatively is suicide. That is not what any of us want to create. The quicker we kick negative thoughts out of our minds, and return to peace and lack of judgements we rise to commune with the divine, our intuition, our quantum multi dimensional higher self. We are light and love United. We are very powerful and it’s all about kicking out the negative thinking and judgements. RISE in your mind. You are able. We. Are. One.

Namaste🙏🏻🌟

Epiphany

The dictionary definition of  Epiphany has multiple meanings. The definition I am talking about is, ” a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something.” This morning when I awoke, I decided to do something different than my usual consuming unending amounts of caffeine, cigarettes and reading the first thing in the morning . I am sick of it, I feel so trapped. I was thinking do something different, use the information you have. Smoking cigarettes is the bane of my existence. It is an uphill battle I have fought since 15 years old. I quit every year for 90 days, then something happens in life that feels overwhelming or I feel better physically because I am not smoking and return to it. Smoking cigarettes is the quickest way to deliver dopamine. It is faster than eating. I am aware this is why I am locked in this cycle.

In November 2017, I quit smoking again. I did it with nicotine gum and patches which I have done several times in the past too. Quitting cold turkey I experience a longer quit time but the shock of just quitting is so miserable for me and everyone around me. I started smoking again the end of February while visiting Europe where everyone smokes, I probably should too. I did not attempt to quit upon returning home because of the big move I was making the end of March from my birth state to Nevada. I also have brought up with counselors I have worked with on quitting smoking but their advice is usually not to quit till I get through something. Let me tell you I am always going through something or my kids are, that I can always justify smoking again. This morning I decided to listen to binaural beats for quitting smoking. I have been listening to binaural beats when I have been meditating or when I’m writing for creativity. I understand that these beats are interacting with my brain waves to help create what I am looking for. I looked at the clock this morning when I had my first cigarette, I told myself to not have one for an hour. I read online about a meditation I can use while listening to these binaural beats to quit smoking. The meditation was to focus on what chakra center the desire to smoke is coming from, I identified the heart chakra as the center of my desire. I know the heart chakra is about my identity. while listening to these sounds on my earphones, thoughts of my 15 year old self came up. The rebellious one, the poet, the depressed teenager came into my view.

As I sat outside and listened to these beats  meditating, I found myself breaking down in total tears streaming down my face. I was thinking of how I parent my children when they are struggling. I was thinking of my friend who came to tell me of his opioid addiction. I was thinking of how different I treat other people suffering than how I would treat myself. I know if my child was struggling I would not beat them up nor my friend who needs support. In this meditation I could see my past failed attempts to quit, I was able to see the judgement I have used with myself. Fear was actually the motive for quitting. The problem with using fear as a motivation is, it never sticks. I was also able to see how I replaced the cigarette addiction with food. It’s a vicious circle. So when I saw my rebellious inner child full of depression today meditating, I reached out to her and told her I would help her grow up. I am going to use the same support I would give my children or my friend who was suffering by offering solutions, being there to cheerlead, coming up with a plan. Instead of judging myself, condemning or trying to substitute.

In my attempts to quit smoking  in the past I did cry a lot, out of pure misery. I did not feel connected to this inner girl though ever in those tears. It was just a mission I was on with my will and fear. I decided if I have to listen to these beats non stop, I will. I will only allow myself so many cigarettes a day, which I have never done but that friend who was struggling with opioids did this and has been successful to wean himself off and stay off.  I am going to heal and empower that little girl inside who feels so broken and helpless. We hear information about healing our inner child. To see her and reach out to her was quite mind blowing. Truly saving yourself because you can parent that girl and rid the messages that lock her into defeat. Our heart chakra is our identity, I think it’s empowering to ask, “who am I?” I don’t want to be this helpless girl I beat up. I don’t want to go through another failed attempt. I think it’s vital to understand ourselves if we are wanting change in our lives. I think it’s important to do something different instead of thinking the same and doing the same but wanting a different result. That is the definition of insanity. I identify with that now.

I am taking into consideration the need to help my dopamine. I went for a walk this morning. I am going to take supplements to help and support my neurotransmitters in a different way. I know healthy food is the key to repairing my physical body. Smoking is a slow suicide. I think everyone who smokes knows that. I feel like I gave myself a reason to quit this morning in this epiphany of parenting myself in a loving way. I think it might be the first time I am “excited” to quit but more than that I feel I found the root of my problem.

Namaste🙏🏻

Deathday year 4

My dad took his life four years ago today, I thought it was yesterday but I realized it came into my consciousness to start the emotional unwrapping I need to process for this year. . This year I feel sad but I don’t feel the other emotions tied to his suicide I have felt in years past. Like anger. I have been angry at him for not meeting my granddaughter, committing suicide in the hell year 2014 my family was in. There is so much underneath anger. In my experience with anger, it felt like a protective emotion. I felt pretty ruled by the feelings of anger and hopelessness. I talked to my dad all the time, I told him my woes which was a lot in 2014, he was helpful when he wasn’t depressed. The day before his suicide I spoke to him. Of course that conversion echoes in my mind. He told me he was depressed and that he didn’t understand his purpose for living. That was really normal for him to say that. He struggled big time with depression, he was on meds and institutionalized off and on in the V.A. my entire life. He had several attempted suicides too. He was going back on meds because he was so depressed, he had an appointment the day after his suicide. In my mind having our last conversation, I knew his circular patterns and I thought he would start his meds and start to feel better. Not this time.

Last year in March, I started EMDR trauma therapy. That was the most healing eight months I have had around his suicide and other trauma I experienced with him in my life. It helped me understand our relationship. It helped me understand some of the emotions I struggled with around his suicide.

My dad was my savior and abuser. He taught me so many amazing, valid, helpful ways to navigate through life. He gave me opportunities with nature and the love of the outdoors. We biked, hiked, backpacked, canoed, ran, downhill skied, cross country skied all over the Rocky Mountains. He was there for me, my number one support system. He also taught me codependency in his need to control because he was a lieutenant. If I didn’t do what he said, something bad would happen like his soldiers. It was his unresolved issues with Vietnam I came to understand. He also was my example as a man, which lead to the men and friendships I choose . I am so grateful for EMDR therapy. It changed my life! By understanding the messages I received through the trauma, I was able to navigate through the emotions that were stumbling blocks and change those messages.

EMDR trauma therapy is developed to help the mind reprocess trauma. We have information coming at us all day, our subconscious is able to process unneeded information in the moment. When we experience trauma it is too much overload on the subconscious and we experience trauma in our bodies and do not process the trauma, we get locked in the negative messages we receive in trauma. This therapy is done holding sensors that are vibrating communicating with both sides of the brain to go back to the trauma and reprocess it without the body responding or holding on to the negative emotion. It helps us to see the messages we received in those traumas, giving the negative emotions names and meanings. Then you go back in and tell yourself your new truths and their meanings. It also helps with ptsd. When I met my guy if he came near me sleeping I would punch him. Thankfully we worked through that. My nerve system was reactive and sensitive due to this trauma of suicide but also other trauma I went through in 2014.

Loosing a support system you have had your whole life is difficult, especially in suicide which is instant. There is no time to prepare or think about their loss, it’s just over. It has been my catalyst for being my own support system. It helped me learn to meditate and go inside to hear because I am able, not because dad said so, not because I’m angry, I can trust myself. I don’t need to be controlled by anyone but me. When you are raised very controlled it instills a message, I am not able, I need to be controlled, I need someone’s else’s opinion. Being able to hear myself, seek my higher self and hear my intuition through meditation, yoga, intentions and to be able to trust me, it is the most freeing, empowering experience I have ever had.

It’s really beautiful to feel at peace today even in my sadness. Today I am grateful for the birds I hear singing, the running water from my pool. I miss my dad, I miss the good times, his interaction with my kids, his silliness, his generosity. I do not miss the explosive, angry, terrifying human he could be. I had to accept the reality of the duality of him. I don’t have to interact with my dad’s violence, depression, anger and all the consequences he had because of those unresolved emotions in him. It is so much easier to remember the good things in him because I am not interacting with the negative. And now I know it’s okay to feel that way. It’s the road to acceptance in suicide for me.

Namaste🙏🏻

Friend or Foe?

When we decide to consciously evolve in our lives many times that means friendships end. Sometimes you drift apart, other times it’s an ugly dramatic ending. I am realizing that they weren’t even friendships then or what I want in qualities of friends in this time in my life, anyways. They were formed when I was young and out of the dysfunction of my family of origin. They are connections from the past formed in a place and time I no longer live in physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally. When I was young I was quiet, I let people pick on me and a people pleaser. I didn’t understand boundaries or how to be healthy. When we change it doesn’t mean others do. Physically aging happens to all humans, maturing or evolving does not.

There is this thing about being friends because of time in our society and how long we have been friends. In my growth I realize time means nothing. Friendships are built in the now, on time spent together, trust, honesty and loyalty. If your friend betrayed you but you keep the title of friendship because of time, is that a friend? Not in my book anymore.

Being middle aged is a trip. There are so many people locked in addictions and dysfunctions. When we are young it’s normal to party, we don’t see the future at that point and we all think we will grow out of it. For many the party never ends. The party becomes a middle aged hell of addiction. The problem with that is that when people are actively using they don’t have control, the substance does. How can you trust your “friend”, when they aren’t in control? It’s very sad to watch the train wreck and deal with all the behaviors of their out of control lives, they refuse to acknowledge or change. They also want you on the roller coaster with them because of time. Somehow you owe them? You don’t. That’s the narcissism of addiction and the outlook of that person that everyone owes them. “You are here for me”, says the addict. It’s also looking at your watch when you want to call to see if they will be sober or not. That feels like parenting at this point in my life, not friendship. When they are raging at you in their substance abuse, do they even remember or do they just act like it didn’t happen? Ugh! No thanks!

Let’s talk about competition, I am so over and past “friends ” who want to compete with me. They want to sleep with my current guy or have slept with my exes. They want my life because of the work I’ve invested on myself to grow out of things they are stuck in, if they can’t have my life they want to be a sidekick. No way. I understand this is not friendship, it’s the anti of that definition. It is such an immature outlook to compete. I truly would rather spend time alone than in these relationships. We are all different in our gifts to the world. Competition does not honor that. What is developmentally normal in high school is not in middle age but many still live this way. If your circle of friends isn’t celebrating loudly and supporting your good news but competing, get a new circle!

One of my counselors worked with me on the issue of , I couldn’t care for myself if I was caring about the other person more. It’s true. It’s also true no matter how much love I give it doesn’t mean it will change anything or anyone. People change because they are ready and willing to either voluntarily or because of consequences.

I believe it’s really normal to outgrow relationships if you are working on creating a higher consciousness. It’s okay. It happens in marriages and intimate relationships all the time. It also happens in friendships. It’s also freeing to know you have a high standard, the things that were once okay in your “friendships”, are not anymore because you love yourself to much to get hurt in those ways.

Namaste🙏🏻

Allan watts

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