The dictionary definition of Epiphany has multiple meanings. The definition I am talking about is, ” a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something.” This morning when I awoke, I decided to do something different than my usual consuming unending amounts of caffeine, cigarettes and reading the first thing in the morning . I am sick of it, I feel so trapped. I was thinking do something different, use the information you have. Smoking cigarettes is the bane of my existence. It is an uphill battle I have fought since 15 years old. I quit every year for 90 days, then something happens in life that feels overwhelming or I feel better physically because I am not smoking and return to it. Smoking cigarettes is the quickest way to deliver dopamine. It is faster than eating. I am aware this is why I am locked in this cycle.
In November 2017, I quit smoking again. I did it with nicotine gum and patches which I have done several times in the past too. Quitting cold turkey I experience a longer quit time but the shock of just quitting is so miserable for me and everyone around me. I started smoking again the end of February while visiting Europe where everyone smokes, I probably should too. I did not attempt to quit upon returning home because of the big move I was making the end of March from my birth state to Nevada. I also have brought up with counselors I have worked with on quitting smoking but their advice is usually not to quit till I get through something. Let me tell you I am always going through something or my kids are, that I can always justify smoking again. This morning I decided to listen to binaural beats for quitting smoking. I have been listening to binaural beats when I have been meditating or when I’m writing for creativity. I understand that these beats are interacting with my brain waves to help create what I am looking for. I looked at the clock this morning when I had my first cigarette, I told myself to not have one for an hour. I read online about a meditation I can use while listening to these binaural beats to quit smoking. The meditation was to focus on what chakra center the desire to smoke is coming from, I identified the heart chakra as the center of my desire. I know the heart chakra is about my identity. while listening to these sounds on my earphones, thoughts of my 15 year old self came up. The rebellious one, the poet, the depressed teenager came into my view.
As I sat outside and listened to these beats meditating, I found myself breaking down in total tears streaming down my face. I was thinking of how I parent my children when they are struggling. I was thinking of my friend who came to tell me of his opioid addiction. I was thinking of how different I treat other people suffering than how I would treat myself. I know if my child was struggling I would not beat them up nor my friend who needs support. In this meditation I could see my past failed attempts to quit, I was able to see the judgement I have used with myself. Fear was actually the motive for quitting. The problem with using fear as a motivation is, it never sticks. I was also able to see how I replaced the cigarette addiction with food. It’s a vicious circle. So when I saw my rebellious inner child full of depression today meditating, I reached out to her and told her I would help her grow up. I am going to use the same support I would give my children or my friend who was suffering by offering solutions, being there to cheerlead, coming up with a plan. Instead of judging myself, condemning or trying to substitute.
In my attempts to quit smoking in the past I did cry a lot, out of pure misery. I did not feel connected to this inner girl though ever in those tears. It was just a mission I was on with my will and fear. I decided if I have to listen to these beats non stop, I will. I will only allow myself so many cigarettes a day, which I have never done but that friend who was struggling with opioids did this and has been successful to wean himself off and stay off. I am going to heal and empower that little girl inside who feels so broken and helpless. We hear information about healing our inner child. To see her and reach out to her was quite mind blowing. Truly saving yourself because you can parent that girl and rid the messages that lock her into defeat. Our heart chakra is our identity, I think it’s empowering to ask, “who am I?” I don’t want to be this helpless girl I beat up. I don’t want to go through another failed attempt. I think it’s vital to understand ourselves if we are wanting change in our lives. I think it’s important to do something different instead of thinking the same and doing the same but wanting a different result. That is the definition of insanity. I identify with that now.
I am taking into consideration the need to help my dopamine. I went for a walk this morning. I am going to take supplements to help and support my neurotransmitters in a different way. I know healthy food is the key to repairing my physical body. Smoking is a slow suicide. I think everyone who smokes knows that. I feel like I gave myself a reason to quit this morning in this epiphany of parenting myself in a loving way. I think it might be the first time I am “excited” to quit but more than that I feel I found the root of my problem.