Epiphany

The dictionary definition of  Epiphany has multiple meanings. The definition I am talking about is, ” a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something.” This morning when I awoke, I decided to do something different than my usual consuming unending amounts of caffeine, cigarettes and reading the first thing in the morning . I am sick of it, I feel so trapped. I was thinking do something different, use the information you have. Smoking cigarettes is the bane of my existence. It is an uphill battle I have fought since 15 years old. I quit every year for 90 days, then something happens in life that feels overwhelming or I feel better physically because I am not smoking and return to it. Smoking cigarettes is the quickest way to deliver dopamine. It is faster than eating. I am aware this is why I am locked in this cycle.

In November 2017, I quit smoking again. I did it with nicotine gum and patches which I have done several times in the past too. Quitting cold turkey I experience a longer quit time but the shock of just quitting is so miserable for me and everyone around me. I started smoking again the end of February while visiting Europe where everyone smokes, I probably should too. I did not attempt to quit upon returning home because of the big move I was making the end of March from my birth state to Nevada. I also have brought up with counselors I have worked with on quitting smoking but their advice is usually not to quit till I get through something. Let me tell you I am always going through something or my kids are, that I can always justify smoking again. This morning I decided to listen to binaural beats for quitting smoking. I have been listening to binaural beats when I have been meditating or when I’m writing for creativity. I understand that these beats are interacting with my brain waves to help create what I am looking for. I looked at the clock this morning when I had my first cigarette, I told myself to not have one for an hour. I read online about a meditation I can use while listening to these binaural beats to quit smoking. The meditation was to focus on what chakra center the desire to smoke is coming from, I identified the heart chakra as the center of my desire. I know the heart chakra is about my identity. while listening to these sounds on my earphones, thoughts of my 15 year old self came up. The rebellious one, the poet, the depressed teenager came into my view.

As I sat outside and listened to these beats  meditating, I found myself breaking down in total tears streaming down my face. I was thinking of how I parent my children when they are struggling. I was thinking of my friend who came to tell me of his opioid addiction. I was thinking of how different I treat other people suffering than how I would treat myself. I know if my child was struggling I would not beat them up nor my friend who needs support. In this meditation I could see my past failed attempts to quit, I was able to see the judgement I have used with myself. Fear was actually the motive for quitting. The problem with using fear as a motivation is, it never sticks. I was also able to see how I replaced the cigarette addiction with food. It’s a vicious circle. So when I saw my rebellious inner child full of depression today meditating, I reached out to her and told her I would help her grow up. I am going to use the same support I would give my children or my friend who was suffering by offering solutions, being there to cheerlead, coming up with a plan. Instead of judging myself, condemning or trying to substitute.

In my attempts to quit smoking  in the past I did cry a lot, out of pure misery. I did not feel connected to this inner girl though ever in those tears. It was just a mission I was on with my will and fear. I decided if I have to listen to these beats non stop, I will. I will only allow myself so many cigarettes a day, which I have never done but that friend who was struggling with opioids did this and has been successful to wean himself off and stay off.  I am going to heal and empower that little girl inside who feels so broken and helpless. We hear information about healing our inner child. To see her and reach out to her was quite mind blowing. Truly saving yourself because you can parent that girl and rid the messages that lock her into defeat. Our heart chakra is our identity, I think it’s empowering to ask, “who am I?” I don’t want to be this helpless girl I beat up. I don’t want to go through another failed attempt. I think it’s vital to understand ourselves if we are wanting change in our lives. I think it’s important to do something different instead of thinking the same and doing the same but wanting a different result. That is the definition of insanity. I identify with that now.

I am taking into consideration the need to help my dopamine. I went for a walk this morning. I am going to take supplements to help and support my neurotransmitters in a different way. I know healthy food is the key to repairing my physical body. Smoking is a slow suicide. I think everyone who smokes knows that. I feel like I gave myself a reason to quit this morning in this epiphany of parenting myself in a loving way. I think it might be the first time I am “excited” to quit but more than that I feel I found the root of my problem.

Namaste🙏🏻

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Deathday year 4

My dad took his life four years ago today, I thought it was yesterday but I realized it came into my consciousness to start the emotional unwrapping I need to process for this year. . This year I feel sad but I don’t feel the other emotions tied to his suicide I have felt in years past. Like anger. I have been angry at him for not meeting my granddaughter, committing suicide in the hell year 2014 my family was in. There is so much underneath anger. In my experience with anger, it felt like a protective emotion. I felt pretty ruled by the feelings of anger and hopelessness. I talked to my dad all the time, I told him my woes which was a lot in 2014, he was helpful when he wasn’t depressed. The day before his suicide I spoke to him. Of course that conversion echoes in my mind. He told me he was depressed and that he didn’t understand his purpose for living. That was really normal for him to say that. He struggled big time with depression, he was on meds and institutionalized off and on in the V.A. my entire life. He had several attempted suicides too. He was going back on meds because he was so depressed, he had an appointment the day after his suicide. In my mind having our last conversation, I knew his circular patterns and I thought he would start his meds and start to feel better. Not this time.

Last year in March, I started EMDR trauma therapy. That was the most healing eight months I have had around his suicide and other trauma I experienced with him in my life. It helped me understand our relationship. It helped me understand some of the emotions I struggled with around his suicide.

My dad was my savior and abuser. He taught me so many amazing, valid, helpful ways to navigate through life. He gave me opportunities with nature and the love of the outdoors. We biked, hiked, backpacked, canoed, ran, downhill skied, cross country skied all over the Rocky Mountains. He was there for me, my number one support system. He also taught me codependency in his need to control because he was a lieutenant. If I didn’t do what he said, something bad would happen like his soldiers. It was his unresolved issues with Vietnam I came to understand. He also was my example as a man, which lead to the men and friendships I choose . I am so grateful for EMDR therapy. It changed my life! By understanding the messages I received through the trauma, I was able to navigate through the emotions that were stumbling blocks and change those messages.

EMDR trauma therapy is developed to help the mind reprocess trauma. We have information coming at us all day, our subconscious is able to process unneeded information in the moment. When we experience trauma it is too much overload on the subconscious and we experience trauma in our bodies and do not process the trauma, we get locked in the negative messages we receive in trauma. This therapy is done holding sensors that are vibrating communicating with both sides of the brain to go back to the trauma and reprocess it without the body responding or holding on to the negative emotion. It helps us to see the messages we received in those traumas, giving the negative emotions names and meanings. Then you go back in and tell yourself your new truths and their meanings. It also helps with ptsd. When I met my guy if he came near me sleeping I would punch him. Thankfully we worked through that. My nerve system was reactive and sensitive due to this trauma of suicide but also other trauma I went through in 2014.

Loosing a support system you have had your whole life is difficult, especially in suicide which is instant. There is no time to prepare or think about their loss, it’s just over. It has been my catalyst for being my own support system. It helped me learn to meditate and go inside to hear because I am able, not because dad said so, not because I’m angry, I can trust myself. I don’t need to be controlled by anyone but me. When you are raised very controlled it instills a message, I am not able, I need to be controlled, I need someone’s else’s opinion. Being able to hear myself, seek my higher self and hear my intuition through meditation, yoga, intentions and to be able to trust me, it is the most freeing, empowering experience I have ever had.

It’s really beautiful to feel at peace today even in my sadness. Today I am grateful for the birds I hear singing, the running water from my pool. I miss my dad, I miss the good times, his interaction with my kids, his silliness, his generosity. I do not miss the explosive, angry, terrifying human he could be. I had to accept the reality of the duality of him. I don’t have to interact with my dad’s violence, depression, anger and all the consequences he had because of those unresolved emotions in him. It is so much easier to remember the good things in him because I am not interacting with the negative. And now I know it’s okay to feel that way. It’s the road to acceptance in suicide for me.

Namaste🙏🏻

Friend or Foe?

When we decide to consciously evolve in our lives many times that means friendships end. Sometimes you drift apart, other times it’s an ugly dramatic ending. I am realizing that they weren’t even friendships then or what I want in qualities of friends in this time in my life, anyways. They were formed when I was young and out of the dysfunction of my family of origin. They are connections from the past formed in a place and time I no longer live in physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally. When I was young I was quiet, I let people pick on me and a people pleaser. I didn’t understand boundaries or how to be healthy. When we change it doesn’t mean others do. Physically aging happens to all humans, maturing or evolving does not.

There is this thing about being friends because of time in our society and how long we have been friends. In my growth I realize time means nothing. Friendships are built in the now, on time spent together, trust, honesty and loyalty. If your friend betrayed you but you keep the title of friendship because of time, is that a friend? Not in my book anymore.

Being middle aged is a trip. There are so many people locked in addictions and dysfunctions. When we are young it’s normal to party, we don’t see the future at that point and we all think we will grow out of it. For many the party never ends. The party becomes a middle aged hell of addiction. The problem with that is that when people are actively using they don’t have control, the substance does. How can you trust your “friend”, when they aren’t in control? It’s very sad to watch the train wreck and deal with all the behaviors of their out of control lives, they refuse to acknowledge or change. They also want you on the roller coaster with them because of time. Somehow you owe them? You don’t. That’s the narcissism of addiction and the outlook of that person that everyone owes them. “You are here for me”, says the addict. It’s also looking at your watch when you want to call to see if they will be sober or not. That feels like parenting at this point in my life, not friendship. When they are raging at you in their substance abuse, do they even remember or do they just act like it didn’t happen? Ugh! No thanks!

Let’s talk about competition, I am so over and past “friends ” who want to compete with me. They want to sleep with my current guy or have slept with my exes. They want my life because of the work I’ve invested on myself to grow out of things they are stuck in, if they can’t have my life they want to be a sidekick. No way. I understand this is not friendship, it’s the anti of that definition. It is such an immature outlook to compete. I truly would rather spend time alone than in these relationships. We are all different in our gifts to the world. Competition does not honor that. What is developmentally normal in high school is not in middle age but many still live this way. If your circle of friends isn’t celebrating loudly and supporting your good news but competing, get a new circle!

One of my counselors worked with me on the issue of , I couldn’t care for myself if I was caring about the other person more. It’s true. It’s also true no matter how much love I give it doesn’t mean it will change anything or anyone. People change because they are ready and willing to either voluntarily or because of consequences.

I believe it’s really normal to outgrow relationships if you are working on creating a higher consciousness. It’s okay. It happens in marriages and intimate relationships all the time. It also happens in friendships. It’s also freeing to know you have a high standard, the things that were once okay in your “friendships”, are not anymore because you love yourself to much to get hurt in those ways.

Namaste🙏🏻

Allan watts

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Full moon in Scorpio, what needs to die to live?

This morning I awoke at 4:20 a.m. to do some moon-bathing. It was mind blowing to see the sun come up with the full moon together in the sky this morning. The energy we receive from the moon is different than the energy we receive from the sun and without risk of overexposure. The moon is energizing. The full moon in Scorpio is here to clean emotions and renew vision.

Scorpio is a water sign and water deals with our emotions. Scorpio is the sign of death and rebirth. The symbol is a scorpion but it also a bald eagle for its ability to see clearly through a situation instinctually. Scorpio helps us see what needs to die emotionally to give life. Scorpio is the still, deep waters of intuition in the water signs.

Under this full moon like retrogrades we use this time to heal and be aware of what needs to die or be realized emotionally to live fully in the next phase. I immediately felt my father this morning as I was outside where my dad lives. He was always outdoors by a homemade fire at home, even when not camping, backpacking or sleeping under the stars. Every time I’ve seen him after his death it’s outside under a tree. His suicide or death-day is almost here May 6, four years ago. This morning I realized there is still pain there. It is a different pain than what I have experienced already, more of a release I believe. More of a desire to have closure. To honor my dad for the amazing things he taught me and forgiveness for what he did taking his life from so many people that loved him. However I am truly realizing in his pain he was unable to see his value. That is where I can release him is that he is free. Sometimes we go through hardship to grow beyond what we would if we didn’t experience that hardship.

Suicide is a bitch slap. You are not ready. You aren’t prepared and it is very different than natural death or someone passing with illness. It takes you through cycles of grief it feels endlessly. I love him and am thankful for his teachings with nature. I miss him. I feel like I’m moving into acceptance in the grief cycle. Acceptance is the desire as we climb the grief ladder and the last stage.

This pink Scorpio moon really is here to heal. You have tonight as an opportunity to bathe or take walks, sleep under this full moon. I will sleep under it tonight if the wind ceases. It recharges us and heals us if we are open and allow it to.

Namaste 🙏🏻🌕

Consciousness

Healyourlife.com

Living in low consciousness is really a bummer and the world is out of control, lost. Our news is the most horrific dream playing a reel 24-7 of everything fucked up six ways to Sunday. Is it to control us? Is it to put fear in is? There are good things happening in the world too. Is there worse more than good? It seems that way, looking at our t.v., our computer screens, our phones. We also personally live through traumas and hell. It is why I seek higher consciousness living and reality. It is a path to seek reality beyond earthly circumstances and earthly desires. Our society has messages that are toxic to us, especially females. Goals to live in extreme materialism despite consequences.

The light is desperate to live. It is our perspectives. Even in the darkest hours and times, what gets us through that moment? If it’s a destination, what happens when you get there? The light show us the wrongs of the world to fix or have resolution, not to fear and not want to leave our homes or change. The light does not want us to be separate. We need each other but light and dark have conflict. We are in these times.

Don’t you want to be okay no matter what? I’ve had plenty and I have had scarcity. I will tell you I feel apathetic in plenty. When the E light is on and nothing is in sight of changing that, I am not apathetic. It is through my E light being on, magic has happened in my life and provision has come from nowhere. I seek desperately when I am on E. To me we are aware of the magic when we are on E. We are aware or awake to see this perspective. There is absolute magic in optimism. It’s the law of attraction. If you think you will be fucked or you think you will be great, you are right. The beginning of all truth lives in gratitude. How can you be grateful if you haven’t suffered?

We watch on social media the lives of actors who are super successful, who came from the depths of hell in their upbringing. How does this happen over and over? Optimism and the inner strength to endure challenges in this life. When we struggle we teach ourselves inner strength. We rise internally. We understand circumstances is just that. Everything is always changing including our circumstances. Personally the worst thing I have ever done is stay in a toxic marriage to a man with narcissistic personality disorder because I was so scared of change for 18 years. 90% of people would rather die than make changes. It turned out to be the most freeing experience and it taught me a lot about my father who took his life 4 years ago, and what his example was to me as a man, it gave me understanding to why I sought such men.

When we decide we are worth more we change what we will put up with. When we decide that the person or job we are involved with is hurting us worse than we hurt ourselves, we change. It takes courage to give up security of material wealth built in that relationship. It is why many don’t leave. To me money is not what I am looking for. It is a means I have to have to survive but I live for the passion burning inside me. Like writing, hair coloring, painting. I am going to makeup school in the fall to learn body painting. I have done hair 26 years because it’s not a job to me, it’s an outlet of creativity, making people feel beautiful and it’s being around humans I have formed deep relationships with over years.

Worshiping money is the worst lie on earth currently. Money comes from passions being lived and lucrative creative ideas flowing out of passions. It’s about finding a job for the long haul, kind of like dating. Saying no when the intuition is screaming out to be heard. We don’t always see why something is wrong but we have built in protection with intuition. It’s an unseen energy reaction to the person or environment. Yep, we might have to budget some ramen meals because of a choice to live this way but long term it won’t be that way. When we wait for the right job or person it’s worth it in the long run. We don’t sacrifice our peace, identity, and self respect, self love.

Most spiritual awakenings happen to people out of trauma, desperation, drug use that alters the conscious and trials in this life. It’s the greatest thing that’s happened to me because I know through each trial I am learning something I need to learn. It’s not a punishment it’s a lesson. That is a perspective. It’s a perspective of optimism and being deliberate in my intentions moving forward in what I am really seeking. It’s a trust of being authentic with my higher self. I also know living in ego sucks. Spiritual awakenings are really about loss of ego. Operating out of motives that don’t serve self or others. It becomes about spreading the good news that there is a path to higher self, subconscious truths and passions that are lived out, without fear of provision even when it doesn’t look that way. It’s a different dimension of living. It’s here in real time. I know because I am personally on E and seeking like crazy knowing it’s going to come together, not just to support me financially but to fulfill me as a whole person. I know because I live it over and over and become deeper and deeper in love with seeking the truth and my higher self.

Namaste🙏🏻

Alpha binaural beats

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