720 is the new 303

No matter where I move in the world I always seem to return home to Colorado. I just moved to California in November. I’ve lived in California shortly before. We will see how long I make it this time? I do not love it here. I tolerate it. All of California has recently moved to Colorado. They cannot drive, driving as a native of Colorado we use blinkers and don’t drive in the left hand on the highways nor do we drive 90mph everywhere. I grew up in a very small mountain town in Colorado. I spent a ton of time outdoors growing up and doing extreme sports with my family. My dad built a fire pit outside that we spent a ton of time around, it felt like nightly outside of our home. We had a hot tub room filled with salt water aquariums with massive windows that looked out at the mountains and windows to gaze at the stars at night while soaking in the Jacuzzi. We used this room and hot tub frequently for parties growing up or after skiing to help our muscles. Incredible! My grandmother choose to die on top of that hot tub. My dad drained it and built her a bed she could look at the breathtaking view of the mountains while she passed away. I miss it!

My youngest child and I recently visited my child hood home. I knocked on the door holding a poinsettia, it was Christmas time and told the woman that owned the home now ,that I grew up there and could I look around? It turned out she was a Reiki Master like me. She gave us a tour of the home and how they had changed it. It was incredible. She had worked on all the bad energy I remembered being there growing up. She had raised five children in that home. She told me I was welcome anytime. I’m so glad she is the one that bought that home after my parents sold it in 1998 and moved to Denver. My youngest child and I go back to my hometown together to go to the hot springs and eat the greatest mountain pie pizza you ever tasted frequently.

It’s funny that no matter where I live I end up outside most of the time. The reason I don’t like California is the wind. Colorado has extreme weather but when the sun is out you normally feel the warmth of it without wind. In California it might be nice and sunny but the wind. Being indoors feel like a prison to me. I have clinical depression, I sit in the sun for my vitamin D along with an anti depressant daily to stay alive. I’m typically outside if I’m not sleeping, cooking, eating or at work. My boyfriend thinks I’m crazy. It’s a mountain thing I think that will never go away. It never has no matter where we’ve lived. Lol!

The one thing I absolutely love about living in the California desert and being outside is the sunrises and sunsets. Breathtaking! I live on a three acre Joshua tree property. The noises I hear are roosters. It is very much a myth they crow at dusk. They crow all the time. One of my favorite memories is sitting on our porch listening to the choir of roosters crowing at each other from afar at midnight. I don’t hear sirens anymore. Animals are my background noises. It’s calming to me. I can see the stars again. We don’t live in rollerblading, surfing California lined with beaches and palm-tress. We live at altitude not far from Joshua tree National park . It snows where we live. We ski mostly for fun where I live. It feels a lot like my mountain town I grew up in. It is much better however because I can drink and or smoke pot as an adult. We have a small mountain crew we hang out with and love.

Life here is simple. I haven’t cooked this much at home since raising my three kids. There are no restaurants around us we like. I projectile vomited twice the last place we gave a chance. Our town is small . We are total food snobs so we cook at home. He is Italian, that’s his job is cooking us pasta galore. I’m getting fat. I recently started walking to the mailbox braving the wild dogs to get more exercise because we eat so well at home. My boyfriend handed me a stick yesterday when I left to get the mail. I laughed at him while rejecting the stick and told him I would use Reiki magic on the wild dogs because that is what I do seriously when they are near me. Seems to work.

Restaurant that I got sick at

I am at peace where we live. It’s totally different. We are farming eleven feral cats that’s our existence. My boyfriend started this collection of feral cats during the pandemic. Baby kitty is my love, he is the smallest of the new litter. We just lost his mom to a wild dog recently. I’m deathly allergic to cats so this is a perfect relationship for me. Lots of talking no touching.

Namaste

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This is one of eleven feral cats we have on our three acre Joshua tree property. I call her baby kitty. She is the smallest of the last litter born. Her siblings are full size now. She is about four months old. I’m super allergic to cats. It’s a perfect relationship for me. I can talk to them but there is no touching involved. My boyfriend started this collection of cats during the pandemic when I didn’t live with him. At that time he had three adult cats he started feeding. They came inside and sat on his lap when they felt like it.

He learned quickly that it’s hard to bond with the cats because they die. I remember him crying on the phone while burying one of these cats. We have a small cat cemetery in the yard. Coyotes and wild dogs usually are the reason. A few weeks ago we had people on the property doing some work. They left the gate open and we lost baby kitty’s mom to a wild dog that came on the property. It’s hard not to bond but we keep them as wild as possible and don’t touch them or let them indoors.

They are super helpful with keeping scorpions and other deadly desert creatures away. My boyfriend travels for work sometimes for months as a roadie in the music business. It’s nice to have the cats around. It gets lonely and the silence is deafening when I’m alone. I will sit on our porch and be around the cats to improve my moods. Baby kitty and I are friends. I take pictures of her and talk to her. She doesn’t run away from me like the other cats. I noticed that one of the adult female cats is watching over Baby kitty and her siblings since moms death.

These cats are spoiled. They have three cat houses my boyfriend built them. Feeders are all over the property. It feels like farming with cats. I love the companionship I have with these cats I’m surrounded by. I never thought I would be an old cat lady!!! They are comforting for sure! Sometimes life is messy and hard. People are difficult. Animals are easier sometimes to connect too. I know if something happens to Baby kitty I’m going to be crushed but it’s part of the circle of life. I’m grateful today for this connection!

Namaste

Christmas woes

I wanted to write this for all those having a Christmas like me today. I woke up at 4:15 am to go to work. I have to spend 45 minutes waking up before I start to get ready which is a quick half hour. Leaving for work at 5:30 still not totally with it. My boyfriend decided to be nice and clean the house before he flew out for his job last night. He decided to put my bright blue medication bag that helps me remember to take all my medicine in a cabinet, not seen. Almost to my job at a ski resort cooking I remember I didn’t take my medication. I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. That is not something I can miss and work at the same time around humans. I was like okay, let’s see how this goes. I started having a panic attack about 30 minutes into it. I started throwing up at 2 hours into it on Christmas Day with demands insanely because the resort is really busy and we feed a staff of over 500 people and my anxiety isn’t medicated. Fart in a wetsuit.

My boss sent me home because I’m vomiting. My kids are coming next week to visit. My boyfriend flew out last night for his job. I am alone. My anxiety is medicated now. So life is much better than it was. I’m going to try to not be super depressed. I will Play tons of video games and watch non Christmas movies, FaceTime my kids. I was looking forward to work for the distraction so now I have to create it. It’s really important when we feel depression to use coping skills of distraction. Holidays can create huge feelings of depression for many people.

I have a child who is an addict and grandchild I am estranged from. Holidays are difficult under great circumstances let alone being alone with that in my life. I lost my greatest friend in life my dad to suicide nine years ago. I understand the feelings of deep despair for people we love and flooding memories of Christmas past. Holidays are not easy. That’s a fact. I want to encourage anyone today who feels alone. You are not. You are loved. Maybe even not by a human but by nature. Today I will spend time outside to help my depression. Sitting in the sun bathing in the heat. I can hear roosters calling. Crows fly above my head. A magnificent sunset will be in my vision. I can see a beautiful mountainous range with snow. Sometimes that’s what helps me in my darkest times is nature.

Distraction is key when we are at a high or spiraling emotionally or we are depressed. It’s different for everyone but for me it’s video games distracting my mind or watching movies. It’s anything to get your mind distracted. Today for many people it will be difficult for many reasons. Non are invalid. That is the key to staying alive when you feel depression deeply. You might be fighting with someone today? Get away from it. Distract! Family can be hard. Christmas is known for epic family drama. In the end it’s just a day. We attach the meaning or expectation to Christmas. That’s how I’m choosing to move forward today.

Namaste 🙏

Where the streets have no name

I just moved to California a month ago to be with my boyfriend. I don’t live by the beaches, palm trees and in-line skaters. I live in very Southern California not far from Joshua tree national park. It snows where I live. I live on a three acre property filled with Joshua and echinacea trees. Mooing, the sound of roosters, a dog barking or a nearby train is what I hear. No more ambulances or sirens as the background noises in life. I work at a ski area 20 minutes from my house cooking. Mostly to get the season pass to ski. I grew up in the mountains of Colorado. Skiing was one of the only things to do. I’ve skied since a child. Not only downhill but cross country too. That’s what it’s like where I live now too.

I haven’t skied in twelve years. I was hoping it was like riding a bike. It was funny because when I was renting my skis my boyfriend told them to get me tiny skis. He has never skied with me before. I laughed when they brought the skis to me. I got much longer skis and told him I could not wait to kick his ass skiing. Skiing is very much about muscle memory. I took it easy the first two runs. Then I went for it and beat him down the slopes several times. We’ve known each other for eight years and we have never skied together or talked about it. We’ve traveled the world together and done tons of fun things over the years. We are excited to have that to do together too. He was very impressed with my form and speed. I’m addicted again. What an amazing workout!

I’m an empty nester going on five years now. It’s hard to imagine your life without children. Then you experience it. It’s like a crises at first. I spent twenty five years raising children since age eighteen years old. It becomes your identity and then you have to go through transformation back to yourself. It’s ironic that I’m now a ski bum living in a small mountain town like my childhood. It’s home to me in many ways because of the familiarity.

There is a huge boarding, skiing mountain community here. It is very different being an adult in this experience. I’m sure the ability to be of age to drink or smoke pot is helpful! Lol!It’s fun and I’m happy. If you would have asked me if this how I would be empty nesting years ago, there is no way I would tell you this story!!!

My adult kids are coming to visit me after Christmas. I’m interested to hear their perception. They were raised in the city so all of this life is unfamiliar. I took them skiing a couple times in their life. I’m taking them skiing here. It’s easier to ski in California than Colorado, the mountains are half the size. I try to get my youngest child out to nature whenever possible. They live in New York, concrete jungle. I think it will be good for a minute to relax and listen to the sounds of animals calling as you fall asleep. It’s healing to me. I don’t think I’m going to be returning to the city again!

Namaste

Autistic revelations

Learning I was autistic was relieving! It was also frustrating that I didn’t know earlier in my life. It was so amazing to understand that listening to a song on repeat was normal. Having a melt down because every sense you have is overwhelmed is pretty common. Living with autism is like having a sixth sense in your senses. Mine is auditory sensitivity. Country music grinds on my soul. I also can’t wear certain things that bother my skin. I can’t eat certain foods because of the texture.

That’s who I am on the spectrum. It’s a personal experience how autism affects you and why it’s called a spectrum. There are some common autism traits but truly a personal experience. It’s not high end or low end either of spectrum. My personal experience with my autism is high intelligence with deficiency in my social abilities. The reason Aspergers is no longer validated in the autism community is due to the roots of it being from a Nazi doctor and his mistreatments to autistic children.

I’ve never fit in. I understand why now. I’m someone on the spectrum that can communicate well. I can also look at your eyeballs when speaking to you. It took me a lot of practice to overcome that one. It wasn’t because I wanted too. I also feel deeply. I’m very emotional. Socially I’ve never understood nuero typical humans. I’ve always sought other nuero divergent humans to hang with. I love hearing my autistic friend say can you hear the electricity ? I’m like , yes! For sure. I try as hard as I can to present nuero typical but usually it falls apart when I am direct.

Being autistic I directly say what I mean. That is offensive somehow? I also takes things literally. If someone says to do something one way, that means to me that’s how it is done, not sort of how it’s done.

I see patterns in everything. I’ve noticed that is not something most people pick up on.

Small talk sounds like I see you changed your shirt? I have 0 interest in talking about the weather or sports. I would rather not talk. I live my life based on my morals and make choices from those. I like to talk about deep things, feelings and solutions to problems. I have a multitude of obsessions at this point in my life.

Having obsessions is a highlight of autism. For me astrology, spirituality, horror makeup, writing personally, publicly and mental health have been my long term obsessions. Currently my obsession is autism. Lol!

I have something called hyper mobility. It can be common in autism to have this. It’s cool to be able to contort yourself. You can also hurt yourself so we stretch to be able to do this. My youngest child has this ability as well.



I do my stimming through my breathing. That’s socially acceptable. That’s what I’ve learned. If you know me well you know how I am through my breathing. Lol!!! Everyone in my family paces to stim. The reason we stim is to process our thoughts in a physical way. It’s not to freak anyone out. We aren’t thinking about it to be honest, we are doing what our brains tell us to do.

When you are autistic, touch is something very personal. I remember when my daughter who is also autistic said to my boyfriend after he tried to hug her,”didn’t you tell him we don’t touch, mom?!” I replied,” not yet Wednesday”. That’s what I call her. Touch is hard when you have autism. Handshakes and hugs from strangers, no thank you. I have no desire to touch you if I don’t know you or just met you. A smile is great!!! I wish we could bow like the Japanese culture and not touch each other. If someone wants to shake my hand I do it very hard to communicate I don’t like this. That’s the difficulty of being autistic. The world does things in ways we don’t like or want or agree with socially.

There isn’t something wrong with being autistic. Our brain functioning is different. We have gifts and deficits. To me it’s like having magic abilities in so many ways. It’s a perspective few have in this world. My children are also autistic. I’ve raised them with information and pride in being who they are. I love that we can talk to each other as a family in comfort navigating the world through the lens of being autistic.

Namaste

Everyone wants you to have a T shirt in the matrix.

It’s so funny to me that in every job I’ve had I had to buy a T shirt for the establishment. I don’t want a T shirt. I hate T shirts. I like uniforms. They make sense to me in the matrix. I retired from hairdressing in 2018 after 26 years. I then decided to become a Reiki Master. I was developing my Reiki business when Covid hit and wiped that out. I went to culinary school in high school at a trade school. I decided to pursue the culinary arts in 2019. Now I am a chef. I have been all of Covid and managed a restaurant during that time.

I love my chef uniforms. They breathe on the sweaty line. I love wearing them in the matrix. Being Nuero divergent because I am autistic I do not understand the systems we live in. I have to accept them and be in them. So let’s do it in uniforms. My latest job as a chef asked me to buy the T shirt. I said no thank you. I’m good in my uniform, I can’t set myself on fire. I like that when I’m poring sweat my uniform is helping me through it.

I love that Bear is on Hulu and giving a very real glimpse of kitchen life. When he was drinking water out of a liter plastic container I was like, yes! We work our asses off till very late at night. We are a very strange bread of humans that work in kitchens. Sometimes I feel like I work with pirates and a lot of times I’m the only female in back of house. Lots of criminals in kitchens. That’s not always fun. I feel I have to be pretty aggressive as a female to function in a kitchen with all the testosterone. It’s fun. The adrenaline is insane when you are busy and you see your orders are endless and pouring through the ticket machine. A wave of power of adrenaline comes to save you. You get through all of it and then you get to it clean up. It’s grueling work but the passion of serving sexy,amazing food is so gratifying.

Namaste

New Moon In Leo: Intensified By The Lion’s Gate Energy Portal

Today is the new moon in Leo and the Lion’s Gate energy portal is open. Every year on the eighth day of the eighth month this energy portal opens.

This new moon wants you to dive deeper into what your heart needs from you right now,” says Madi Murphy, co-founder of The Cosmic RX and The Cosmic Revolution. “For thousands of years, this has been observed and honored as a time of a great energetic influx and activation,” Murphy says. “This Lions gateway is marked by an alignment between the Earth and the star Sirius (the brightest star we can see). As Sirius rises in the sky, Orion’s Belt directly aligns with the Pyramid of Giza, and from our perspective on Earth, it appears that Sirius comes closer to the Earth.” Murphy says this is a time of “increased cosmic energy flowing between the physical and spiritual realms,” and that it’s a good time to manifest, set intentions, and connect with your Higher Self.

With the new moon in Leo, Uranus and Saturn are square. Today as I was doing my intentions for the new moon I had a instinct to get rid of or end with my intentions. The reason for this is, the benefit of this square pairing is endings not sowing new beginnings. Learning what to let go of is key in this energy. This is intense energy right now. It’s normal to feel scattered and anxious with Uranus energy. It’s a shakeup to help us respond to endings that need to happen.

The focus we need to have with the Leo new moon energy is to focus on ourselves with the love and compassion Leo gives others. Part of self love is letting go of bad habits, relationships and jobs that aren’t good for us.

Namaste

A long journey home

Home. What is home? Is it people? Is it a house? Is it a feeling? A destination?

Aging is interesting. Interpretation changes so much as we climb the ladder in years. The mirror we look into reflects deep lines, illuminating the expressions we have used over the years past. Gravity is no longer our friend. Weights now are a priority to fit into your skin. Plastic surgery and Botox now seem to be thought. Grey highlights are now the new natural hair color if we choose to keep that. If you are like me, you wonder where time went? I still feel like a teenager in my mind.

Accumulating experiences on this thing we call life to make our decisions. Do we make those choices because we are scared of what happened along the way? We will protect at all costs? Do we learn from our mistakes and move on? Do we go to therapy and attempt to reconcile our trauma? To live is to be traumatized. It is proven that when we experience trauma it sticks like Velcro to our brains. We received a message from that trauma that debilitated our ability to move on. To understand that and put in a new message is life saving.

Home. I’m going to go Buddha on you. When we are living life because of expectations, it creates suffering. Why? We aren’t in the moment when we are living in expectations. That’s about outcomes. I feel a lot of my suffering ended when I quit asking why? I started to ask what I’m learning in this experience? How is this developing me as a human? I’m happier in my intimate relationship because I don’t have expectations. I also keep that relationship private. We don’t live in the future. We live in today. I realized a ton of suffering I’ve experienced in relationships is because of expectations.

The hardest thing I’ve learned in this life is being alone. I’ve learned that my self talk has destroyed me and saved me. I’ve learned to honor my energy. When I’m tired I rest. When I have energy do things, I accomplish more than I thought I could. I learned to meditate. It is proven your thoughts slow down when you practice meditation. Experiencing life in your brain is not the same as being in the moment. It creates stress to live in the future in scenarios that may never happen. It creates depression to live in the past. When we meditate, we don’t let monkey brain run the show. We dismiss the thought and focus on breathe and emotions coming up to feel them and release them. It helps us to stay in our bodies and the moment.

All of COVID I have been in the food industry. I still am. I am so grateful for the ability to stay in the moment because we are so busy right now. Waves come at you when you are cooking that you never think you can possibly achieve. And then you do. Everyday. Physically I’ve never been so tired. I love the adrenaline. I really like to cook and connect with food. Home isn’t where I’m working I’ve realized. It’s my journey in a new career as a chef.

Home is in me. No matter where I live, I create the people that feel like home. Home isn’t a house to me. Home is where I’m always loved and that’s where I finally reside within. No matter the circumstances, the peace home creates I’ve looked for is within me.

Namaste

The path of least resistance

The ascension process can be difficult. Our DNA is changing. Our bodies are being completely changed to travel to another dimension. It is the death of our ego making this possible. Our ego wants control at all times. We are being fully purged to find every form of separation within us. Our karma is also being released in this process as we cannot go to the new earth with karma. What I’m finding it is the resistance is what is most difficult. Resistance however is separation too.

Insomnia is now part of my life. I’ve been pretty not accepting of it. That’s really been the toughest thing for me. I love to dream. I’m realizing that it’s the acceptance that this is what my body is going through, is the answer. Fear is what I’m constantly dealing with in my not sleeping. Fear is separation. It’s accepting fear too, to release it fully from the body to become one with source. In 3D fear is a huge component to our existence. I don’t think it’s something small we are releasing with fear. Trusting no matter how little sleep I got, source will care for me. Surrendering to the process. Acceptance.

It’s interesting that if I follow my intuition in the process, that’s where it’s at. I became completely vegetarian during this process, my fluids are more important than anything else I’m consuming. I drink tons of vegetable broth,soups,non-caffeinated teas and seem to need sodium more now. I gave up sugar too. I have no desire for it. It makes sense with the education of the carbon body becoming the crystalline body. It’s truly learning to trust ourselves and source in this process.

I quit marijuana on this journey too. I smoked marijuana for ten years. With really no effort, I attained this. The desire is gone. Marijuana actually didn’t work ,I didn’t feel high or stoned because what I was experiencing in my own natural body was more intense than the actual high. It was also not resistance to any of it. It is done. Listening to Darryl Anka who channels a being named Bashar was really helpful,that if we want something, we don’t try, we do. It is done. That is how we attain if we want something. Visualization, it is done.

Meditation with 528 hertz music has been so incredible to heal. 528 hertz is the frequency of the sun, love and nature. I’m finding on this journey that sound healing is part of it. Meditation is a huge part of us releasing feelings.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude all the time. Really seeing the provision of the Universe in what we really need. Being so thankful and filled with gratitude for everything we receive. When I am feeling resistance, I start applying gratitude. With not sleeping right now, I thank the Universe for the work that must be done when I feel like groaning.

Lastly, releasing karma. Ho’oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian healing technique, that is the greatest thing I ever found with forgiveness. It is four sentences. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. This opened the greatest energetic space, I’ve ever experienced. I believe Jesus came to teach forgiveness to remove us from the karmic wheel. That however was not what was communicated in the dogma his message became. We cannot move to another dimension with karma, unforgiveness, anger, hatred. Those are aspects of separation. I love this technique of Ho’oponopono because you don’t have to talk to anyone you need to forgive, you just apply it. Sometimes we can’t speak to someone because they have died. It’s interesting too when we apply this technique, it can shift our reality around us and the people we are struggling with. Problems completely shift. Energy is everything.

Namaste 🙏

Dreams and the subconscious

Collectively I’ve read, we have all been experiencing deeper rapid eye movement sleep during quarantine, this is when we are dreaming. Lot’s of people have shared their dreams are influenced by fear of the Covid 19 virus and it’s impact upon us individually. The distance between us this virus is creating or literally contracting the virus somehow.

The subconscious mind is always at work. When we go to sleep, the conscious mind is what is asleep. We store every experience in our lives in our subconscious mind. The subconscious mind has homeostatic impulse. It keeps our body regulating at 98.6. degrees Fahrenheit. It controls our heartbeat and breathing. When we are told we only use a certain percentage of our brain, this is the conscious brain. Our subconscious mind holds every memory and experience.

Carl Jung is most known for his work around the subconscious and dreams being symbols. When we are able to dream and allow this process of the subconscious to do its work, we are allowing healing. The symbols we dream help us understand or work through issues we are having. Dreams also bring awareness to issues or needs we have to resolve.

Meditation also allows the subconscious to be at play. When we slow down our breathing, we are in sync with our breathing, which is what we are doing in meditation, we access the subconscious. This is where we can access deep emotions, traumas or things we need to help ourselves. When emotions are surfacing during meditation we breathe in and feel those emotions to the core and release them. Many times it’s helpful to name the feeling but release the emotion. Fear is a very common feeling when meditating. I personally spent two years feeling fear every time I went into meditation. It’s the subconscious releasing this.

Certain trauma therapies and hypnosis access our subconscious. Writing accesses the subconscious or journaling. Dreams is what we use mostly to interact with our subconscious mind. A helpful thing to do is journal right when we awake about the dreams we had. This provides us the ability to remember the dream right away before our conscious mind takes over. This also allows for the dream interpretation. Dreams are individual to humans in what the interpretation is. If we spend time with our dream interpretation, we access the ability to heal some deep wounds. Combining this with meditation is very powerful to feel the emotions that the subconscious is bringing to light.

Energy is always about intention. I’ve recently started putting intention before I go to sleep to recall things in my subconscious that I most need to address and heal. I’m in a personal place of deep healing. I have to say that it’s definitely working. I’m having very vivid dreams every night. Journaling immediately when I awake gives me great insight.

Sweet dreams!

Namaste 🙏