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Transitions

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I still have that feeling, that he is asleep in his room, while I drink my coffee in the wee hours of the morning, we keep opposite hours, I am senior citizen hours of 5-10, he keeps the teenager hours of 9-12. He isn’t asleep, he is at school. He is in the bed they have for him. He has all his blankies from home but he isn’t here. He won’t be back till Christmas. My nest is empty and my guy is on the road for work with Lady Gaga till Christmas. I am fully alone on the daily. I got a little glimpse of this when my guy left on tour and my son was still at camp in New York. I also had the experience for two summers of my son being gone for a month in another state at camp with no communication, if anything makes you trust the universe as a mother, it’s definitely that!

Transitions are hard, I am in the throughs of transitions. There has to be a death before a beginning. There has to be closure on what was to usher in what is. There is loss to acknowledge in transitions even if the changes are positive. Many times they aren’t, divorce, death, loss. The start of the school year usually brings a new schedule, lunches to pack, vitamins handed out, a hot breakfast every morning to make. Not this year. I took him to school in New Mexico on Wednesday, he is now on their schedule and he now has a dorm mom and dad, who I adore but they aren’t me. He is responsible for taking his vitamins, he is responsible for all his stuff. I trust him, that’s why we agreed to this decision, he is very responsible for his age. I have cried and shed many tears over my baby leaving the nest. I think that is part of the shedding process. Acknowledging how much identity for me has been formed around my motherhood since age 18. I am 43 years old now, that is 25 years of non stop parenting on the daily. That is not a small change. When we go through transitions we have to mourn what life was that we loved and we will not do anymore. It is now a completely different reality. Where does our identity go without the daily parenting, it is a new journey with yourself to find out.

Having my guy on the road is also a huge transition and change. I had to mourn his physical touch of rolling over in bed and touching his skin in the middle of the night, I only get to experience this every three weeks when he or I fly to each other. I had to mourn the ability to contact him when I want. I have to wait till he is available or he is on a tour bus with no reception or much of the time he is asleep when I am awake and vice versa. I had to mourn him going to the store to pick up something or help out in someway. He treated me like a queen in our daily life and did a lot so going from that to nothing was very shocking.
Our daily relationship and everything I knew changed in the blink of an eye. It’s bracing yourself as you go through the shock of your life being something you don’t understand. It’s about all the feelings of loss of routines you have with that person and understanding the securities you had with that. I have to tell myself everyday you have to do it (insert whatever) because no one else will, it is the most terrifying and liberating feeling I have ever felt simultaneously.

That’s what I know and am experiencing is how important grieving the losses are to move on to the positives of this new life. It makes me grateful for my relationship because of our limited time and ability to communicate, it puts our relationship pettiness away because there is limited times we can communicate. I now will spend my time writing letters to my son at school, he loves receiving actual paper, texting and phone calls instead of sitting across from him at the dinner table discussing the day. It is going to take time for sure to adjust to this new life. I think we have a problem with grieving as a society and an innate want to immediately move on to not feel the pain. It’s healing to just cry and feel that pain to the core and go to work or wherever you need to be for the day. It’s one day at a time, it’s one moment at a time, it’s acknowledging the changes and grieving as we go through transitions in this life.

Namaste 🙏🏻🦄

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grief, healing, suicide survivor

The reading

I have been struggling with some deep depression. It feels very heavy to the core, it is unbearable at times. I am doing trauma therapy weekly trying to process emotionally my fathers suicide three years ago, I haven’t been the same, since.  My oldest daughter has really struggled with her grandpa’s suicide because he was like a dad to her,  as a single mom to her for 4 years he helped a lot with her and she was his” little-hotshot”. My father was my greatest supporter so his loss was huge to me in so many ways.

My daughter sought a psychic this week in her healing process, my dad came up a ton in her reading. The psychic asked about me several times in her reading and told her I needed to come to see her because of my dad. So I did.

Yesterday,  I had an appointment with this psychic. I was leary as I think you should be a bit at first or with a pyscic the first time, but I have a had a reading by someone else before and it was a positive experience that helped me move forward. I pulled up to her house with signs that pointed the way inside. I was greeted by her super furry, fawn colored, yapping dog at the door. I was concerned the dog was psychic too and barking because I was being read by it. A woman in her fifties, olive toned skin, darker hair, greying on the sides, intense hazel eyes and of Eastern Europe decent with a little bit of an accent greeted me and told me to sit down across from her at a wooden table. She had jars of oils on her wooden table she had prepared, her house was very clean and void of energies. She spoke slowly to me and explained all my choices I could have for my reading. I choose the most in depth reading which includes your palm and an entire tarot card reading. She handed me the cards to shuffle and put my energy on the cards, the deck was so worn. Many cards had torn edges. It spoke of her time with these cards and it made feel comfortable because she had probably done hundreds, if not thousands of readings with these cards.

She took the deck from me and started to lay them in a brick lay fashion, stacking them. She didn’t say a lot at first. She just kept laying the cards down in top of each other in the same fashion. She paused and grabbed my hand. She turned my palms upwards and said very sternly, ” you have a very long life but you bring yourself close to death too many times, the next time you attempt suicide you will be paralyzed, your children and their children will follow suite and suicide will live in your family forever.” She leaned into me and spoke into my eyes, ” you must break this curse!” That really scared the shit out of me!

She went back to brick laying and reading my cards and told me,”because my dad had committed suicide he is stuck here, he is confused and he is also trying to protect my daughter and I, his energy is toxic and he is angry and lonely for the past three years”. She told me, “my daughter and I have to help him pass on and lead him to the light because he was never supposed to commit suicide”. She said, “his energy of depression that lead him to suicide is so strong in me and has such a hold that I needed to cleanse myself, heal myself and help him move on to the next life.”

In order to do this, she gave me cleansing oils I need to apply nightly to sleep in for 14 days, I then will use love oil or reparative oil for another 14 days. These are oils prepared by her and prayed over specifically for these energies. As well I have to smudge my home with sage everywhere, leave the house with all the animals and return 30 minutes later to light a white candle and open doors and windows to help and encourage my dad move on.

It maybe sounds hokey to some but the truth of suicide is that it is sudden for everyone, including my dad. I have never considered my dad tortured and not passed on until this was pointed out. If this is what we need to do I am open because nothing has worked so far to get closure with his suicide.

I also belong to a suicide survivor support group called heartbeat, they have always recommended psychics to help with the passing of a loved one that has committed suicide. We actually at one group had a psychic that is local named Deb Shepherd who did a group reading. My dad didn’t come through at that group. It wasn’t something I put a lot of value into until now. I will let you know how this goes as I work through this process. It is imperative to stop this cycle of suicide and depression I my family and it will start with me!

Namaste💕🦄

 

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Uncategorized

Optimism

Optimistic concept.Once there was a farmer whose horse ran away, and all his neighbors came over and said, “What bad luck.” The farmer replied, “Maybe.” A few days later, the horse came back and brought five wild horses with it. The neighbors came over again and said, “what good luck.” The farmer said, “Maybe.” Then the farmer’s son tried to ride one of the wild horses, but he was thrown and broke his arm. The neighbors said, “what bad luck.” And again the farmer said, “maybe.” Finally the army came through the village conscripting all the able-bodied young men to fight in a war, but they left the farmer’s son at home because of his broken arm. The neighbors came over to say, “what good luck!” The farmer said, “maybe.”

That is life, right? We say, “yay” to all the good and we judge the bad as misfortune. We have no idea what is coming at us at any given time in this life. I love the farmer’s response because he understands this principle of truly never trusting in judging the experience and outcome as we have no f$&@ing clue what is about to come at us around the corner.

I suppose it’s optimism that keeps us in a state to receive whatever is coming our way. It’s learning lessons from the hard stuff we have gone through and understanding the good that came out of those dark times. In our most anxiety driven times what happened internally when we quit that job we hated? When we left that toxic relationship? When we experience death and loss. What happened during all those times? Is there resurrection too in all the heartache? Yes! There. Is!

I am becoming a believer in edifying my pain and embracing it full on. There are so many lessons of growth if we aren’t judging the experiences we are having as good or bad. Understanding our pain and emotional state and sitting with that pain being okay and knowing it will pass! There is a lesson, like a choose your own adventure story unfolding. It is our attitude in life that carries us through. Trusting the universe for everything coming at us is an appointment with our optimism and how we choose to perceive this life as good or bad or an amazing journey we are not in control of and that’s okay.

Namaste💕🦄

 

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Uncategorized

Thank you silence

 

Standing in a moment that is really painful and accepting everything you are experiencing in your body, the tightness in your chest, the coldness in your feet, the feeling of sadness radiating from your heart center that seems to hang over you like a grey cloud, without fixing judging or changing anything in that moment, only acceptance that all these uncomfortable feelings are present and you accept that moment for all it holds, is called self compassion.

Life is full of ups and downs, the world is changing everyday, we cannot control our external circumstances. We can only control how we respond to these circumstances. It is very normal for us to resist feelings that are painful or when we physically don’t feel great, we don’t want to feel it. We want to push against it and resist those feelings. Our critical voice comes in to let us know we are blowing it hard core. Our voice of what we think will motivate us to move forward shows up, this false friend salutes and takes over barking orders and letting you know how many times you have sucked and failed causing the endless push against everything we feel and the consumption of our endless poisons to numb that voice.

The freedom we can experience in this life is in acceptance of these painful and uncomfortable feelings. It  is what monks, Buddhism, yogi and every spiritual teacher teaches us about. When we can accept that it’s normal for us to go through pain, suffering, challenges in this every changing world. We have a choice how we will get through it fighting and resisting  or having acceptance along this path. It’s not easy. It’s tons of forgiveness for ourselves , it’s tons of letting go of controls that totally don’t work, its acceptance that our reality lives in this moment. When life is really hard sometimes we need to live moment by moment. How do we eat an elephant? Bite by bite.

Just because we feel horrible sometimes does not make that our reality forever even though it feels like time stopped and we got dropped off in the twilight zone. We also aren’t defined by what we consider our failures.  It means in this time of life it’s super hard. The self compassion is letting yourself know this too shall pass. You have made it 💯 percent to this point. It’s firing our critical voice and ushering in our voice that soothes and reminds us of our amazing times we have had on this journey too, how many times we did succeed, how many hard times we have already made it through. It’s allowing yourself to be human and consider your failures lessons. For me, this is my connection to yoga. Yoga is meditative poses, some poses hurt like a mother f”?!er sometimes. To breathe through the pain and accept the physical pain helps me also allow the channel of emotional flow too. Sometimes I cry during yoga. It helps to breathe when you feel crazy emotional it resets our brain. Breathe is our most powerful tool.

I am really learning that acceptance  of the moment is where life is abundant and full of gratitude. Channeling this new calm, supportive and accepting voice opens a door to hope that this too shall pass and not only that but greater things are to come and in the horizon. Happiness and abundance is possible, it lives in total acceptance of the awesomeness of this life and the depths of hell we crawl through that we learn more about ourselves from than anything else, we have to have gratitude for those lows, we evolved, that’s the point of this life. Go blow it and give yourself a high five and a hug and a reminder that doesn’t define you!

Namaste❤️🦄

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healing, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

Cycle

IMG_0081.JPGRecently I was shown this model that made perfect sense to me when it comes to the origin of emotional triggers. Within each of us we have a core belief system about ourselves, a truth we have come to know and many times we aren’t conscious of and can be detrimental to us if our core belief is negative about ourselves. Negative Core beliefs that no one cares, I don’t matter, I don’t have value, I am messed up, are a few examples.

When a trigger happens it is rooted from this core belief about ourselves that starts forming around age 2.  It doesn’t mean when we are going through a difficult situation that is triggering that it doesn’t hurt, the pain we are feeling is very validated and real. Many times we obsess about the person who caused this trigger instead of looking at the core belief we have about ourselves that was actually triggered by that person and the negative core belief being validated is where this pain is shooting from. It’s not to say or excuse someone from treating you poorly but the depths of pain  we are feeling are actually coming from is our negative core belief system being triggered in the situation we are in.

Why is this important? If we aren’t in awareness of our core beliefs about ourselves  and we become triggered it starts a process called build up. It starts the depression cycle of feeling victimized, anger, blaming, expecting the worst, not feeling hope that things will improve, isolation and avoidance becomes our best friend. It feels like time has stopped and we are stuck in this intensity of all these emotions and feel extremely victimized.

Left in that build up state for too long can lead us down the road to the act out phase where suicidal thoughts and maybe even follow through by attempting suicide,  feeling all these emotions without going back to the original source which is our negative core belief system.

We can also jump into pretending everything is normal, we feel fear and guilt when triggered,  this is the justification phase. That also comes from core beliefs and handling it through justification to those negative core beliefs.

We can change our negative core beliefs if we know what they are, how they got there. We can affirm a new positive core belief system that enables us to not be triggered by someone else and their choices. We can rid ourselves of this defeating message from the past, to see clearly and not become triggered by the negative core belief system but empowered by a new real time positive core belief system and validating our truth in who we are today.

Namaste💕🦄

 

 

 

 

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Uncategorized

My written word

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Pain has always motivated me to write since I was a child. It is this access to a wellspring of words that describe the devastation of feelings I am experiencing that want to explode out of  me with immense intensity that make you hold onto whatever you around to sustain the power of the vomit of words coming out. When I decide to accompany music to this writing it is an orchestra of pain intertwined, swirling coming from the depths bubbling  beneath me. It has become a relationship of  having the greatest written material ever from this pain and the reality of living through the  experience causing the pain. It is a vortex of a different reality  that pulls me forward , I can fill a whole notebook in a week, it becomes an obsession to get it out of me. It is my healer, it is always what I return too, it is my best friend, my written word is what I seek in my relationship with the truth.

Do you ever listen to a song repeatedly because the words pierce your heart making your gut literally physically react without consent, making you scream without noise, the vibration of music that is sixth sense with words describing everything you are feeling?  The tears rolling down in cascades,  the uncontrollable sobbing  holding your face in your palms feeling the very depths of your raw exposed, wounded  soul. It’s healing, feel it to the core, the pain is seeking refuge.

As humans we suck at feeling pain we never give enough credence to closure and goodbyes. We move on way to quick to run from that shadow that we can’t face lurking with so much heartache we can’t face. We soothe the pain in whatever our poison of choice we choose to numb those pangs of feelings we cannot tolerate that shake us to our core.

Today I am grateful for the almighty, never ending, written word. My endearment and salvation is inarticulate, it is circle that is never broken in a world that is changing every day.

Namaste🙏🏻

 

 

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